Perhaps I’m mad, or perhaps it’s time I was

I was listening to coward of the county, it struck me how many fights I ran away from.

When my wife decided she was through with my financial issues, I surrendered.

I tucked tail and ran when my hospital was run by a maniac, and riots ran rampant.

When my company lost it’s use for me, decided it was done with me.

When my passion career said no, when every school I had hopes for wouldn’t even take my calls.

When my back up career decided to back me into a corner.

when my back up to my back up did the same damn thing.

This is the corner I won’t be backed into. I’m not going to take it this time. It’s not nearly that bad, I’ll grant you that. Not yet. But I’m being pushed to back down. This is the decision point, do I submit or do I advance? Do I take charge or do I bend over?

dang it. and it feels a lot like losing my mind. A lot. Scary a lot. Because this has been the damn war, for decades now. When would I start getting ticked off again. When would me getting ticked off matter again. Oh that fire relit on dry tinder.

I’m keeping it crackling low. It doesn’t own me, I own it. But we’re co-operating….. and it’s like nothing else. We have a common goal, to get out of this stupid bear trap

That’s my moral to why they petted and doted on me, “smarter than the average bear” hoo hoo, boo boo, where’s my pic a nic basket? I was never more than a joke bear, a mascot to be trotted out, their pet.

WELL I’VE GOT A TONGUE LIKE A KODIAK BEAR!

AND A ROOM WITH A MOOSE!

I’m sorry, being insanely silly is the only defense holding right now. Tacos are good, and coffee.

Yeah, fires are lit. Eye on the goal, it’s damn doable.

Day 2; I can run this train on pure anger fumes. Things get quiet

So then today happens. I’m not writing a seperate thing for it because it isn’t a seperate thing, it’s my semi manic paranoid reaction to my percieved questioning of my competence. Yes, I have to include all the complicated couching in the framing, because otherwise it’s deceptive.

If I printed it how it feels I’d be calling it; “The patriotic manly defence of my right to be successful” Picture of me, hair blowing in the wind but not in my eyes, American flag in hand. Except I still have a gut because I haven’t worked on it in months.

So I have to see all the challenges to my current position. I have to deal with them. If I’m unmoored entirely, you know clinically silly to the point they lock me up again (it’s happened once, I give myself a hard time about it), what happens then is I stop challenging myself. I just go “Sure makes sense.” I become my own yes man. It’s why I fail to be yes man for anyone else, is I’d have to start saying yes to my own maniacal ideas, and mine are actually potentially problematic.

I have to say “I’m sorry, we can’t do that”, to myself, and therefor to everyone else. What we can do has to be limited by what I consider rational and budget friendly.

That’s really what this whole fit has been about. Like look, you want to see me off rails? You want to see me no self care? I can DO that. Coming down it going to look INTERESTING, but you PAID to clean up this mess.

And that’s my thing. Is that this job is so weird, we can’t really get fired. They can pretend. What happened is about the worst they’ve got, going after my percieved ability. And I took it. So try again princess.

I’ll keep showing up too. You’ll get a FRONT ROW SHOW FOR WHAT SEED YOU SEW.

I’ll be fine, probably.

Point is, I’ve got the gunpowder, good feeling that. Also, doing pretty well on saving with the new budget, which is progress towards that escape.

All I gotta do is hold on. Hold on? It’s a skill I have actually.

I put up my biggest number ever today. I touched 26 cases. That’s more than four an hour. By lunch I had done more than I do on an average day.

I guess admitting my fear means admitting I’m afraid that means they’ll think they can get that all the time. Geez, the wind was blowing the right way, literally. I had momentum from yesterday and a lot of self hatred to work out. Who knows if it will happen again. Or when.