Every single cell in my brain is telling me to kill myself. It’s over. It’s done. No more. Just can’t keep fighting. Tired and worn out and nothing goes right. The pain of all the screw ups and failures has dulled a bit, but they still persistent. Tried talking to a few friends and a suicide hotline, and even if it feels a little better, can’t help but feel like there’s no way beyond this. I know my problems aren’t as big as other people’s, but that empty feeling won’t go. I think in the back of my mind, this whole graduate program internship bit was my last shot to prove to myself that I wasn’t worthless. That I had something to contribute. A purpose to fulfill. But I don’t. I was lost before, but now I’m even more a drift.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
I feel you. Stretched too thin like an old geezers’ undies. But don’t put your sense of worth on a graduate program…. that route works for some, but can be pretty irrelevant for many, seems like an unreasonable amount of pressure to put on yourself. It’s ok to be adrift, but try to remember, you are not just the sum total of only your failures. I’d be surprised if you were truly worthless, very few of us are.
I’ll write more later, I do have more to say, but time is short so I’ll ask the obvious; have you considered checking yourself in or getting an emergency appointment to get short term disability?
Being realistic here, you’re smart, we could try and bail stress and see if that brings you back to relative stability, right?
So downtime is my immediate conclusion. Short term disability, disability law assures you can take up to a month of it a year, probably more. You’ve got medical coverage, worst case walk into an urgent care or clinic and ask to be seen. Better case call a psychiatric clinic and ask how soon you can be seen.
Well, worst worst case; you can’t be safe. Check yourself in. Please. The worst facility is not worse than losing. I can say that, according to objective observers the facilty I was in was one of the worst outside of the penal system.
Nothing is worth it. That’s been my ultimate conclusion. Nothing is ever worth dying for. You get down there and ready to go, and I want you to try and ask yourself that question; “I’m dying, because of THIS?” Only I started picturing it, the minute those thoughts cropped up.
Everything is temporary. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.