I seem to get in my own way.
Every tim I make some progress I slip and fall back down again.
I know I’m a miserable person that needs help, but I need to start to do these things on my own.
If I don’t, who will?
I miss the optimism of youth, that’s long since buried.
Been just surviving this whole time it seems.
I would be better to my family, to the friends I had and have, but I know I wouldn’t contribute properly to these relationships. I don’t do all that much as is. I’m a dull individual as it turns out.
I’d slowly been feeling detached from a lot of the things I once cared about.
I’m a villian because I’ve failed myself on a personal level. I throw up some facade of caring, of “normalcy”. I think it’s why I stop people from getting to close in general.
So I should do some self isolation and work on the things I need to work on, and come out better on the other side.
Or maybe just cut myself off completely and become a true sociopathic or psychopathic individual.
Maybe I’m already there.
I don’t know what I’ve even done to myself at this point.
3 comments
“if I don’t who will?”
Have you looked though? Could well be that you are someone of high social value, you just haven’t been putting yourself out there. Family is a poor guage of actual likeability, sorry.
I was at work today and had this repeat client who has a lot of issues, he’s taken a liking to me. Part way through I decided that he wasn’t going to take the initiative to grow, I needed to try and help. It isn’t my job! It’s just who I am.
I like the who else but me as a path to accountability. Job needs doing, no one else seems to be at it, might as well, that’s productive.
The load can be shared is the thing I wanted to bring up. Even if people don’t seem eager, you’re doing them a favor giving them a chance to be really useful. From some perspective that might sound narcissistic. However helping in general is one of the most fulfilling activities. You make someone care, they help, you bond it’s a community thing. Asking for help is often the path into community.
maybe become the anti hero of your story? Unlikely hero? I like villain turned ally or hero. I always related to Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z, he had specific hopes for life and it didn’t deliver, eventually he makes that work.
I mean as long as we ignore Dragonball GT, but most people do.
Yeah, I also like Vegeta in that regard. He’s a good character in that way.
I just keep hearing the same stuff over and over, it’ll never end unless I go off on my own and do the things myself.
Where I don’t have to verbally continue to hear the same things and sit there and take it because I can’t bring up anything. It looks a certain way because they don’t see what I do at work or what I do when I don’t game or whatever (I lasted about a month before I starting to game again out of sheer frustration).
I just can’t handle the pressure I think. I take baby steps forward but know I should be further along or have a long way to go before I hit the end goal, and I just break I think.
I don’t know, I just need to do this, else I may as well be dead.
It’s all in framing, and tricking your brain into starting doing it by itself is the best trick I’ve got.
The gaming thing is a good one to look at for reframing. You said you lasted a month before going back. Look again, you spent a month doing other stuff. That’s willpower, many people don’t have that.
If it’s a goal you’re committed to, that is progress. It’s okay to get discouraged and it’s okay to backslide. It hurts, so I don’t recommend it. It happens though, changing behavior is hard.
It’s still one of my favorite bits of traditional wisdom; to everything there is a time, and a season to every purpose. So there’s a time to work hard on goals, and there’s a time to rest. In myself, a lot of the desire to die really becomes a desire to rest. If I can rest, the desire to die starts to fade.
Intermediate progress, that’s the thing that is so hard to find satisfaction in, but it is a required phase to eventual success.