I should off’ed myself when i tried multiple times. Im suffering beyond imaginable ehich brought me back. I had some good memories or was on tract to fix my life. But you know, Life isn’t hard, people make your life hard. Its always been true for me. Dad betrayed me because pressed him to put me through school. Im suppose to work a shit job to save for school to get a truck driving job like i want. Well anyways, that rotten bastard decided to call cops on me. I didnt touch his sorry ass. But he has cry like a btch bcuz he cant man up and be my dad. I hate my parents. They are trash. I wish i was never born into this rotten cursed family. My family is basically dope heads except dad. He is a pure dumb a$$ no need for drugs or alcohol. Mom tried OD’ing a couple because she lost my sister because she ran off longer than 2 days. That was like 5 years ago. Parts of wish she did, save me burden of worring about you dying.
Dad f’ed me good. I got priors for domestic because a toxic relationship and since i begged for his help to put me through school 5 grand. SOB wouldnt do it. Mind you. He got like 30 thousand for a car accident settlement lucky fk’er. Still the greedy man wouldnt help me. Its his retirement money, wtf about my future. Im not good enough to get a good job. Fk’er setting me up for failure. Yeah i can work a shitty job but its like impossible to save money in a recession. Greedy Biden got to fk everyone. Well mostly greedy Congress and Federal Reserve. Thanks for fk’ing like 300 million people.
Yes this world is a sh!t show which made my life a sh!t show. People are all for themselves now. When i try to become apart of somebody’s family because i hate mine, i feel neglected and disliked because how my family is trashing my life. Of course i can take accountability, but you can’t ignore your childhood and how you were raised. Thats like built into you unlike broke their bad habits, great job. They are just low lifes and no morals middle class.
I think the biggest failure here is, nobody really ever cared about me, now i have realized that. Love is just manipulation. People just use and abuse it. I dont evem want to love people anymore as if it becomes toxic. Im about the point, love makes me sick. Im disgusted how i have been betrayed and abused most of life. My counselor told i let life control me. Youre right and wrong. Life happened to me. Surgeries, dieseases ready to be spread, i have a criminal record, it doesnt get much worse. Much is pretty much left for me is prison or death after my Dad dies. I almost rather die on the streets than be somebody’s pet btch. I might be locked for awhile. I just wanted to vent, but i do think i might have cancer and let it take me. I did some hard drugs when i was homeless a few years back. The crazy part, i had a sense of freedom like no other homeless. I wasnt bound to high taxes or a shitty job. Its like being glitch in the matrix. Tbh. When i was in a shelter i was way happier than a house. Soinds crazy right? I guess group living scenarios dont bother me. Its usually just drama and pet peeves of what people cant stand from each other.
Besides the point. My life has been so fuk’ed up, so of my lowest moments in life were my happiest, like laying in the woods unbothered by society. Theres something special there when nobody can bother you. Closed off to the world. I see myself as a spirit of the woods. I belong in nature like wer created to be. Not some shet job in some shet town. Yeah i hate life, its been pretty cruel to me from the beginning but that can be for a different post. Im here to say im back.
2 comments
“The crazy part, i had a sense of freedom like no other homeless. I wasnt bound to high taxes or a shitty job. Its like being glitch in the matrix.”
Agree.
Happiest I ever was was working in a psych ward, most people’s nightmare. Like you said, a glitch. Joy in work is that. You have to track it down and try to catch it.
However sometimes there aint any to catch. Then you just work what you need to, have to. That’s a long sight different, to me.
Sometimes I’m just means to an end, working my butt off trying to get things done. Not any fun, but I have ideas. See I got to work on the other side, in the support side. If you have shelter of some sort, a paid off bit of land, the system is so kind to you by comparison to people stuck in the rent/mortgage rat race.
Which is what I came back for; what did the system want to let me go; it’s mostly that. My clients that do that and put a bit of hustle out, they get what they need. Homeless or not.
Sometimes it hurts, they’re smarter than me by a mile in many cases. I’m the dumb slob studying them.