Losing all my friends, my family wants to give up on me. I been feeling psychotic all this time. Nobody loves you while you’re here but they will miss you when you’re gone. Atleast pretend they will. The older you get, the worse it is. You know that stupid show “Everyone hates Chris” well my theme title would be “Everyone hates Mike” just for any sympathy, you ever been told since you’re suicidial, “why dont you do it” Also a reminder, just human nature “people will leave you once the convience stops. Like money, good friendship or the best one yet, the guy who is only youe friend to try to f your girl. Or better yet, your “bestfriend” that sneaks through the texts trying to F your girl. Society is toxic asf. Especially my family. My family used each other against one another. Actually used tf out of my grandparents. It breaks my heart hearing it, because sh!t was done for eveeyone else but me. Nobody loved me. I’m 23-24 crying how my family treated me like sh!t. It was because of who my parents were. It kills my heart, my mind, my soul. Im so lost, in a tribulation. Just being a depressed person is aleady a life full of misery and i dont take anti depressants. Just for soul fact. I hate being drug dependant. My own brother hates me. Ill just forever be alone. I know i deserve to die. I know I should. End this suffering. I been suffering only the last 11 years with depression. God knows i want out. My life will end with me going to prison or dieing on the streets. My life now only revolves around hood sh!t. Btw, there is nothing good about the hood. Its your normal menaces to society bs. Never been shot or stabbed. But i have fought before. Bring me the 200lb gorillas. Im a gorilla my damn self. Streets are 10x worse for women and i pray for any girl that suffers being on the streets or victim to sexual abuse. The world gets sh!tter by the day. Just like the big news for the manhunt of that blonde girl. Only a drop in the bucket. It was big news. Just cant think of names. This my be my last post for awhile or forever. Im gonna be homeless again or eventually prison. I did something stupid and might have to pay the ultimate price, all your time and a felony. Now people hate you even more! I love being hated, because i hate everyone else the same. I really wish America dropped nuclear bombs on themself because this country is really is f!cking stupid. Just so ya’ll get it clearly. The illegals only want your free government handouts and $15 or better jobs. Then bring it back to their country. They hate normal americans. Probably because of jealously. I find mexicans just like blacks. Whites dont mix with either kind because its like apples, to oranges, to pears. We are just too damn different. Im not racist, its tribalism. You will always pick your own kind over the other. But when you’re a whiteboy in prison. Better just learn how to be a lone wolf. Nobodys knows it yet, but im a killer. If i show up, in prison. I will stand my ground dying or you will pay for trying me.
Failure turns into regret
Pain turns into suffering
Its like anguish becomes a melody
Torture becomes a harmony
Hell becomes a symphony
Brainwashing becomes a tune
Conforming becomes obeying
Listening becomes slaving
Your environment becomes your toxicity
Then finally, your mind becomes your own prison
We all live our own nightmares
Life is the cruelest dream
In the near distant future, AI hijacks the minds of people. We become the product, where ads are sold to us because we are the product. Where our time is the resource of the elite’s money. Where we predate people’s time through addictive social media. Through GMO’s and artifical flavors. Where in the natural world, we would die of natural causes. In the reality of the world, this isn’t the case. So many people are dying premature deaths. Suicides rates are up. Half of the U.S. has pre-diabetes. 1 in 4 Americans have some type or mental illness. 1 in 3 children are on foodstamps. Alot of kids don’t get a good meal unless they went to school.
Where are we in today’s society? Where are we as a whole country? The Opioid Crisis is still going on, not as bad as it was. The first time a bioweapon has ever happened, was created in Wuhan, China. Was COVID-19 natural selection and created from a random mutation? It was created in man made lab. China’s government swears America’s economy can never compete because they have a autocracy. Coming close to $30 trillion dollars in debt, will America ever recover? I hate sounding so pessimistic, but the world does not hold a optimistic future. The canaries in the coal mine, have been chirping since the one degree Celsius has been raised in the world. Affecting every part of the world. Mass hunger and the scarcity of supplies will increase. Basic Healthcare or medicine will be harder to come by. Gas prices will soar before we needed to change to all electric. Billion dollar corporations have helped destroy most parts of the world. Your world can collapse or be more vulnerable. Society’s morals will die. People will be more reluctant to help people in crisis as supplies become harder to find or more costly. Food deserts will become more common. Poverty will be come common. The middle class will replace the dying poor. The rich can either distribute their wealth to help weakened vulnerable communities or they will not have the manpower to run their businesses. Nations will become hostile with each other over supplies, money, control and power. It’s been happening since the dawn of humans. Only this time, the situations are more extreme and severe. Even mother nature will become a force to be reckoned with. We will become victims of supernatural storms and elements. Society is heading towards a spiral collapse of human civilization. Graveyards, jails, and hospitals will become more full as life will become that much harder to sustain. Mass immigration is already on the rise as there are parts of the world that just become inhabitable. Its things that nightmares are created of. Fear, anxiety, pain, loss, depression, sickness, hunger, homelessness, affliction, addiction, become common. Even insanity will become more common. God have mercy on our souls.
I dont fear death. I fear wanting to die everyday im alive.
A lifetime of suffering
The pain never ends
The pieces of myself I forever lost
Lost in the abyss
Can’t seem to find myself
It was such a miss
Was this the motive of my inevitable end
I’ll die in a pool of sin
God cursed me
Church couldn’t save me
My parents couldn’t get through to me
My own worse enemy
Couldn’t face myself
I created my own personal hell
At war with my own mind
No feelings towards anything
Just pain and suffering
A broken man
Who’s gonna fall
It’s just a matter of time
Doomed with despair
Life isn’t fair
Living a nightmare
It’s a true terror
I been trying really hard to change myself. Maybe to always find that one reason to keep going. Even though i havent responded. I read all the comments people give for feedback. I appreciate it all. Especially the goodness and wisdom ya’ll share. Well 2021 turns to be the year I’m facing legal trouble. I been holding a job the last 3 months. So yay me! I always been a job hopper or dont last long. So, being able to stay at a job is an improvement. I just need way better money management skills and live below my means which make me feel poor. Please Pray that I beat my legal troubles. I actually turned to Christianity as crazy as it sounds. I’m trying for first couple times in my life, to really have faith and hope. Faith- the evidence of the unseen. Hope- always faithful that tomorrow will be a good day. I know that isn’t how life works. But changing mindset is such a power feeling if you learn how to control your emotions. Your feelings are a beast. Sometimes you can ignore them like sleep or hunger. But sometimes you can’t, which is for me, depression or anxiety. Or should i say extreme anxiety. You’re super worried about the future especially with legal troubles. I could be facing prison down the road. What messes me up, this is truly insane. I feel like i deserve to be punished. I been so miserable for so long, i feel that’s all im worthy of. My own insane mind enjoys pain. I don’t think i will ever truly understand myself. Maybe its because of the emotinal deprivation. Its sad to say i haven’t
felt love or affection towards someone in years. I guess that’s a true psychopath? No feelings towards anything. The wires of my brain been disconnected from reality for so long. How can i be emotionally intelligent with really no feelings toward anything or anybody. Maybe money or lust lol. Just the normal exciters. Its really to do with my heart. I feel no love down there in my chest. I actually hate the world. The world is just obsessed with money ( GREED) and social media is just to feed people’s egos. I can agree social media might do some good in the world like education. There’s just too many fake guru’s or everybody is selling pipe dreams or everybody thinks they know everything
I always been a skeptic to the internet. Would you trust people over the internet? Most people would take your money and run. Or of course, overpriced courses. Alot of information is free if you look in the right places. Sorry for the baffle. I could write books and i been considering that. Since i read alot and feel like i could catch people’s interests. Keep me in your prayers todamnbad lol
I’ll end it when its necessary
Where life comes a complete misery
When the burdens are too much to bear
Where the Agony is worse than physical pain
When i see myself in mirror
I see a lifeless soul
A person who wanted to live
But theres too much to misery to carry
2020 has savagely wrecked my life. Everything is my fault. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. I was given a horrible fate, and false. I fought a bad childhood just to be victimized by Life. I was always hopeful i could find a breakthrough. I messed everything. My past of actions through 2015 until now 2020 has caught up with me. I deserve to die. Even if people care, i feel like i deserve to die. I can’t live with the regret. The regret is killing me. My failures are killing me. My depression is killing me. The lack of family is killing me. I feel like death. I feel like im already hugging the ground that wants my body 6ft deep. I feel like the trees can feel my sadness. I feel the hate of the world. I’m an outcast. The exile. Nobody likes me without something to give. There is no unconditional love. Love will always be condtioned. Everything is killing me. Running out of money. My health going horrible. No motivation. Cant find work. I’m in alot of pain with depression. Depression is killing me. I’m dying inside my mind. I feel like my suicide is inevitable, i don’t know much longer i can go on. Suffering in silence and you know can’t find help because no one cares. People only care about money. Poor people have no value. I feel the insanity and emotinal deprivation. How do i go on? Even the strong die.
I lost all my parent’s help at Age 23, scared shitless because i’m homeless, gonna off myself if i don’t get this job to make my life better. Might have spend some nights in the freezing cold uncomfortable in the car. Haven’t seen mail in 3 months. Skating on thin ice. Need to save like $1500 for a place. First month rent. And deposit, utilities. Pray for me that i can survive. I’m proof the poor don’t necessarily die, but go without. Most shelters are 1) full 2) shut off to the public due to Covid. Oh my birthday was the other day, all i got as a gift was 2 monsters, so i guess its something. I don’t expect to have a thanksgiving meal nor happy christmas. My family broken apart when the grandparents died and my parents been split up for a long time and of course, no gf for the holidays. I will be truly alone for the holidays, maybe my brother or cousin will keep me company..but honestly i hate life. I know its your fault for your own mistakes, but nobody ever changed my life for better. Nobody was a role model. Its just me and these cold streets
This is my mind’s way of never finding happiness. Robbing precious moments of joy when it should be mine. Always living in a high stressed mood always nervous about the uncertainty in my life. Always wondering what struggle will i face. Anxiety of the next challenge life will give me. Always trying to adapt to survive. Condtioning to the state of this world, to make a living. Always missing my family that has died, wishing i could fix my relationships with my parents. Wish i could fix the things of the past i regret. Regretting make dumb@$$ decisions. But i have learn everything the hard way. My father was never a teacher. Curse my sh!t family.
My mind is always living in survival mode, always living in a crisis. F#ck the meaning of life, i can’t figure out how to live properly. I can’t figure the cold world out on my own. Life is too naturally cruel and unfair. Its too hard to find meaning in the toughest battles. The scars left behind just remind of how difficult life has been. People like just can’t get it right and never can find stability in their life even if they want it badly. I never felt so lost in this world, where my parents were hardly there and then any life/money guru wants you to throw money at them trying to find stability in your life and change it for the better. What i’m saying is, life is too damn hard for the poor. The poor already had nothing, barely living and the government keeps them alive. I wish the world offered the poor better chances in life. Alot of those people will be stuck in poverty for years trying to find a way out. 80% of your life is based on money…
Currently homeless, my pos gf had her pos mom call the cops on me. I got court Oct 6 for domestic. I forgiven her 3 times for getting in trouble. Should of left the first time. Im fighting everyday to live and not having to struggle but i have too. Been wearing the sames clothes for like 4 days now. I have family i can visit but cant stay. I have a job orientation Tuesday to get myself out of this mess. You cant trust anybody. Get tf out of that toxic relationship even if you love them. Theyre gonna f you over and maybe give you a criminal record like they did. Only trust yourself. You only know whats best for you. Get rid of all the toxicity. Im tryna make it off the streets with a bunch of misdemeanors. Life is a challenge but be a survivor, not a victim. That victim mindset will cripple your mind and spirit and even your body. Because its all connected
Pandemic is in a swing
Nightmares becomes dreams
A Holocaust is upon us
What a hell it will bring
Narcissists will becomes the normality
Feed that ego with toxicity
We all will lose our humanity
The world takes and it takes
You didn’t have to sell your soul to lose it
O, Cry Mercy, for the hell that awaits
When, we are punished for the crimes we didn’t partake
There’s a reserved seat for me, that’s full of torture
That will lead me to insanity
The world will break me down until it consumes me
6ft into the ground,when the world finally broke me
You make me scream in slience
You make me rage in violence
You kill my hope and dreams
You are a destructive science
Your goal is to take parts of me
To try to take completely all of me
You can only take so much before i scream in rage
Because i have to fight the pain
All the fakes disintegrate
All the family secretly hates
Only person standing by me is myself
To take on a world that knows hate more than love
Were people love to play God
And be the judge of your life
Were money determines your life and how you live
Were money determines how much respect to give
The only religion i ever knew was money
Were decency and morals are lowered everyday
When you wake up, you’re in a monopoly game
Were money was so important, we sell our souls
And kill the planet to make that money
As short as life is, i’m sick of actual living. My forth coming. My shit family that i was born into, literally almost no help or friends. Just me and my suffering. Just me and misery. And health problems you do get in life, don’t get better. They gradually get worse and worse until your problems consume you. I wish i was much more careful and wary as a kid. But thats not how life works. Any given day, your life can change for the worse or better and what happens, can be for the rest of your life. You know people out in prison serving life. I’m serving life as a prisoner in my own body. The pain i feel everyday, just eats at me. Slowly consuming me, until the my body quits or i mentally quit. It already stole from me a normal functioning life. Some people out here are living hell everyday
Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for a fact I have osteoarthritis in both my fingers from the in juries and surgeries. I have had hand tremors before as the pain overwhelmed my body. I have something to fibro fog, where you can’t even think or focus, because all your mind is feel absolute pain. I’m unfortunately one of those people who had a failed suicide attempt that worse their life. One of the fears people do have on this site. If you know you can’t follow through, don’t make your life more miserable. I slit my wrist pretty deep, trying to find that artery. I stopped and cried for help, which is what most people are looking for, not death. That has cost me more pain in that wrist as I did need like 5-6 stitches. My latest injury, because life will never whooping my @$$. I had a freak accident, I was carrying a laundry basket full of heavy shit, I carried it leaning against me above my knees because its an easy carry. I some how flexed my knee cap and smashed it up against the bottom of the heavy box. Talk smashing your knee is freaking painful as hell. My life is hell. Thats the only I can desrcibe it anymore. Pain has robbed me from every living a normal life. I thought I was going to escape my childhood of abuse to live happy and normal. Boy I was wrong, stupid injuries after injury. Now, I feel like a crippled, the amount of suffering and agony I’m in, is beyond words. I think about death and suicide everyday. For me, this a result of, I can’t my life back. I can’t go back to work and feel normal. I can’t socialize and feel normal. I have scars now, that won’t ever heal. One of my favorite analogy of pain. A man takes an axe and swings at the tree. The man will grab wood off its limbs and return to his life. The tree remembers forever. You can’t forget pain, that will never leave. Time can’t heal wounds when the scars will never heal and ultimately, you can’t forget and move on from something, if your body can’t forget. If my life ever gets worse, I have to die. There’s times, where life gets so miserable, suicide is reasonably a solution, if you’re terminally ill. I feel that way, yeah my scars wont kill me, they sure as hell make me wish I was. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you wish you were dead.
This is an attempt to recover from whatever agony or ongoing mental illnesses are plaguing my mind and possibly my brain. I have suffered from depression ever since a teenager. I find bravery in telling my stories or my life experience. I probably could listen to hours of people life’s stories or perspectives on life since no sees through the same window pane. And more importantly, your values. What creates meaning to your life and what makes you feel as you have a purpose, or whatever is making you cling onto your life preventing suicide, which can easily can be our primal instincts of survival. As I’m getting older, I began to see we how we are all so similar in our unique ways. Have you ever thought posts on social media, is a reflection of your values, and every one’s true desires. How the Internet, knows more about you than you know about yourself. The worldwide web, will be a master key, to truly understanding humanity, and nothing but least, raveling the secrets and wonders of the world.
Just like this post, I can understand how technology has revolutionized this world into a more convenience and ideal world, even if it isn’t for the better. But the question will always remain, will it destroy us, were technology has surpassed our comprehension and understanding, and its to powerful for its own good, and which is anything absolute in power, absolutely corrupts (Ex Google selling all your private web browsing history- Purchase History) so crooked companies can con you into deals you can’t refuse, or whatever evil agenda would behind the sellout of our privacy.
Even Obama has made such an evil statement, we can’t have complete national security and complete privacy. Other words, the government can know everything there is to know about you, so they can evaluate if you’re menace to society, because the tribal rules, can protect society. I’m not saying wrong doers shouldn’t be punished, but the absolute control of the government haunts me. As they literally shutdown so many businesses and disrupt so many lives just with a simple government order through the governor and congress.
Which draws me back to original theory of life, we will always be the victim of our surroundings, and adapt to whatever ways society lives, through the complete control from the government and necessity of money to survive, which is easily corrupted.
We aren’t in in complete control of our lives as much as we wish. We are victims of our past experiences, future problems and whatever school of hard knocks, we must graduate. Which this paragraph finally ties into the first, mental illness is created and born, when we can’t adapt to society’s demands and hardships, creating us to be victims of society, especially money problems. I imagine how many people would quit being suicidal if they were rewarded money, as it can buy anything tangible in this world. Or how simple our illnesses can be resolved. Which mental illness, unfortunately usually a life sentence, if you can never escape it or beat it( Flight or Fight Response)
My point of this post, I challenge you to answer your owns questions about life, or whatever has brought you forth to browse The Suicide Project, just like my answers are all opinions, but I based them all on my life experiences. Plus, I just get a kick from truly understanding this world, which is so must important than knowing the answers. Here’s my wisdom, understanding the answer is so much more important than knowing the answer.
Sorry for the Very Long Post, I hope i opened your mind more, because feeling suicidal, you can maybe find the underlying disease and cure yourself from understanding why you were ever suicidal in the first place, and possibly bring yourself to a state of happiness, you do miss.
When you dream, and you have nightmare. Your subconscious mind is acting out your fears and anxiety. Most importantly, your response to those situations. Our brains are like computers. You have sh$t programs running, inability to function, so code errors. Only thing a computer is lacking is emotional intelligence and morals. Plus, we are the sum of all our life experiences, and daily habits. If you have done nothing with your life like I have. You have no superior knowledge or a great plan with your life. I just lack alot of family support, or willpower to live. My anxiety and fear just preys on my insecurities. Like what will i do with my life. How long will i survive. Can i finanically make it this month. Maybe society makes us dysfunctional when we can’t adapt to it. Mental illness begins when we can’t be our own savior. Just like most books. Only the main character can be the hero of the story.
How many people here draw SSI or SSDI from their mental ilness or other medical conditions. I’m trying to file for SSI claiming fibromyalgia and Clinical Depression. I already live in low income housing. And it is hard for me to work due to my depression, anxiety and fibro. I already know i’m a waste of life. I just want to hide away from this evil cruel world. But if did you file or claim SSI. Can i know your claims or how long it taken you to get it. Please tell me yout story.