2020 has savagely wrecked my life. Everything is my fault. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. I was given a horrible fate, and false. I fought a bad childhood just to be victimized by Life. I was always hopeful i could find a breakthrough. I messed everything. My past of actions through 2015 until now 2020 has caught up with me. I deserve to die. Even if people care, i feel like i deserve to die. I can’t live with the regret. The regret is killing me. My failures are killing me. My depression is killing me. The lack of family is killing me. I feel like death. I feel like im already hugging the ground that wants my body 6ft deep. I feel like the trees can feel my sadness. I feel the hate of the world. I’m an outcast. The exile. Nobody likes me without something to give. There is no unconditional love. Love will always be condtioned. Everything is killing me. Running out of money. My health going horrible. No motivation. Cant find work. I’m in alot of pain with depression. Depression is killing me. I’m dying inside my mind. I feel like my suicide is inevitable, i don’t know much longer i can go on. Suffering in silence and you know can’t find help because no one cares. People only care about money. Poor people have no value. I feel the insanity and emotinal deprivation. How do i go on? Even the strong die.
I lost all my parent’s help at Age 23, scared shitless because i’m homeless, gonna off myself if i don’t get this job to make my life better. Might have spend some nights in the freezing cold uncomfortable in the car. Haven’t seen mail in 3 months. Skating on thin ice. Need to save like $1500 for a place. First month rent. And deposit, utilities. Pray for me that i can survive. I’m proof the poor don’t necessarily die, but go without. Most shelters are 1) full 2) shut off to the public due to Covid. Oh my birthday was the other day, all i got as a gift was 2 monsters, so i guess its something. I don’t expect to have a thanksgiving meal nor happy christmas. My family broken apart when the grandparents died and my parents been split up for a long time and of course, no gf for the holidays. I will be truly alone for the holidays, maybe my brother or cousin will keep me company..but honestly i hate life. I know its your fault for your own mistakes, but nobody ever changed my life for better. Nobody was a role model. Its just me and these cold streets
This is my mind’s way of never finding happiness. Robbing precious moments of joy when it should be mine. Always living in a high stressed mood always nervous about the uncertainty in my life. Always wondering what struggle will i face. Anxiety of the next challenge life will give me. Always trying to adapt to survive. Condtioning to the state of this world, to make a living. Always missing my family that has died, wishing i could fix my relationships with my parents. Wish i could fix the things of the past i regret. Regretting make dumb@$$ decisions. But i have learn everything the hard way. My father was never a teacher. Curse my sh!t family.
My mind is always living in survival mode, always living in a crisis. F#ck the meaning of life, i can’t figure out how to live properly. I can’t figure the cold world out on my own. Life is too naturally cruel and unfair. Its too hard to find meaning in the toughest battles. The scars left behind just remind of how difficult life has been. People like just can’t get it right and never can find stability in their life even if they want it badly. I never felt so lost in this world, where my parents were hardly there and then any life/money guru wants you to throw money at them trying to find stability in your life and change it for the better. What i’m saying is, life is too damn hard for the poor. The poor already had nothing, barely living and the government keeps them alive. I wish the world offered the poor better chances in life. Alot of those people will be stuck in poverty for years trying to find a way out. 80% of your life is based on money…
Currently homeless, my pos gf had her pos mom call the cops on me. I got court Oct 6 for domestic. I forgiven her 3 times for getting in trouble. Should of left the first time. Im fighting everyday to live and not having to struggle but i have too. Been wearing the sames clothes for like 4 days now. I have family i can visit but cant stay. I have a job orientation Tuesday to get myself out of this mess. You cant trust anybody. Get tf out of that toxic relationship even if you love them. Theyre gonna f you over and maybe give you a criminal record like they did. Only trust yourself. You only know whats best for you. Get rid of all the toxicity. Im tryna make it off the streets with a bunch of misdemeanors. Life is a challenge but be a survivor, not a victim. That victim mindset will cripple your mind and spirit and even your body. Because its all connected
Pandemic is in a swing
Nightmares becomes dreams
A Holocaust is upon us
What a hell it will bring
Narcissists will becomes the normality
Feed that ego with toxicity
We all will lose our humanity
The world takes and it takes
You didn’t have to sell your soul to lose it
O, Cry Mercy, for the hell that awaits
When, we are punished for the crimes we didn’t partake
There’s a reserved seat for me, that’s full of torture
That will lead me to insanity
The world will break me down until it consumes me
6ft into the ground,when the world finally broke me
You make me scream in slience
You make me rage in violence
You kill my hope and dreams
You are a destructive science
Your goal is to take parts of me
To try to take completely all of me
You can only take so much before i scream in rage
Because i have to fight the pain
All the fakes disintegrate
All the family secretly hates
Only person standing by me is myself
To take on a world that knows hate more than love
Were people love to play God
And be the judge of your life
Were money determines your life and how you live
Were money determines how much respect to give
The only religion i ever knew was money
Were decency and morals are lowered everyday
When you wake up, you’re in a monopoly game
Were money was so important, we sell our souls
And kill the planet to make that money
As short as life is, i’m sick of actual living. My forth coming. My shit family that i was born into, literally almost no help or friends. Just me and my suffering. Just me and misery. And health problems you do get in life, don’t get better. They gradually get worse and worse until your problems consume you. I wish i was much more careful and wary as a kid. But thats not how life works. Any given day, your life can change for the worse or better and what happens, can be for the rest of your life. You know people out in prison serving life. I’m serving life as a prisoner in my own body. The pain i feel everyday, just eats at me. Slowly consuming me, until the my body quits or i mentally quit. It already stole from me a normal functioning life. Some people out here are living hell everyday
Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for a fact I have osteoarthritis in both my fingers from the in juries and surgeries. I have had hand tremors before as the pain overwhelmed my body. I have something to fibro fog, where you can’t even think or focus, because all your mind is feel absolute pain. I’m unfortunately one of those people who had a failed suicide attempt that worse their life. One of the fears people do have on this site. If you know you can’t follow through, don’t make your life more miserable. I slit my wrist pretty deep, trying to find that artery. I stopped and cried for help, which is what most people are looking for, not death. That has cost me more pain in that wrist as I did need like 5-6 stitches. My latest injury, because life will never whooping my @$$. I had a freak accident, I was carrying a laundry basket full of heavy shit, I carried it leaning against me above my knees because its an easy carry. I some how flexed my knee cap and smashed it up against the bottom of the heavy box. Talk smashing your knee is freaking painful as hell. My life is hell. Thats the only I can desrcibe it anymore. Pain has robbed me from every living a normal life. I thought I was going to escape my childhood of abuse to live happy and normal. Boy I was wrong, stupid injuries after injury. Now, I feel like a crippled, the amount of suffering and agony I’m in, is beyond words. I think about death and suicide everyday. For me, this a result of, I can’t my life back. I can’t go back to work and feel normal. I can’t socialize and feel normal. I have scars now, that won’t ever heal. One of my favorite analogy of pain. A man takes an axe and swings at the tree. The man will grab wood off its limbs and return to his life. The tree remembers forever. You can’t forget pain, that will never leave. Time can’t heal wounds when the scars will never heal and ultimately, you can’t forget and move on from something, if your body can’t forget. If my life ever gets worse, I have to die. There’s times, where life gets so miserable, suicide is reasonably a solution, if you’re terminally ill. I feel that way, yeah my scars wont kill me, they sure as hell make me wish I was. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you wish you were dead.
This is an attempt to recover from whatever agony or ongoing mental illnesses are plaguing my mind and possibly my brain. I have suffered from depression ever since a teenager. I find bravery in telling my stories or my life experience. I probably could listen to hours of people life’s stories or perspectives on life since no sees through the same window pane. And more importantly, your values. What creates meaning to your life and what makes you feel as you have a purpose, or whatever is making you cling onto your life preventing suicide, which can easily can be our primal instincts of survival. As I’m getting older, I began to see we how we are all so similar in our unique ways. Have you ever thought posts on social media, is a reflection of your values, and every one’s true desires. How the Internet, knows more about you than you know about yourself. The worldwide web, will be a master key, to truly understanding humanity, and nothing but least, raveling the secrets and wonders of the world.
Just like this post, I can understand how technology has revolutionized this world into a more convenience and ideal world, even if it isn’t for the better. But the question will always remain, will it destroy us, were technology has surpassed our comprehension and understanding, and its to powerful for its own good, and which is anything absolute in power, absolutely corrupts (Ex Google selling all your private web browsing history- Purchase History) so crooked companies can con you into deals you can’t refuse, or whatever evil agenda would behind the sellout of our privacy.
Even Obama has made such an evil statement, we can’t have complete national security and complete privacy. Other words, the government can know everything there is to know about you, so they can evaluate if you’re menace to society, because the tribal rules, can protect society. I’m not saying wrong doers shouldn’t be punished, but the absolute control of the government haunts me. As they literally shutdown so many businesses and disrupt so many lives just with a simple government order through the governor and congress.
Which draws me back to original theory of life, we will always be the victim of our surroundings, and adapt to whatever ways society lives, through the complete control from the government and necessity of money to survive, which is easily corrupted.
We aren’t in in complete control of our lives as much as we wish. We are victims of our past experiences, future problems and whatever school of hard knocks, we must graduate. Which this paragraph finally ties into the first, mental illness is created and born, when we can’t adapt to society’s demands and hardships, creating us to be victims of society, especially money problems. I imagine how many people would quit being suicidal if they were rewarded money, as it can buy anything tangible in this world. Or how simple our illnesses can be resolved. Which mental illness, unfortunately usually a life sentence, if you can never escape it or beat it( Flight or Fight Response)
My point of this post, I challenge you to answer your owns questions about life, or whatever has brought you forth to browse The Suicide Project, just like my answers are all opinions, but I based them all on my life experiences. Plus, I just get a kick from truly understanding this world, which is so must important than knowing the answers. Here’s my wisdom, understanding the answer is so much more important than knowing the answer.
Sorry for the Very Long Post, I hope i opened your mind more, because feeling suicidal, you can maybe find the underlying disease and cure yourself from understanding why you were ever suicidal in the first place, and possibly bring yourself to a state of happiness, you do miss.
When you dream, and you have nightmare. Your subconscious mind is acting out your fears and anxiety. Most importantly, your response to those situations. Our brains are like computers. You have sh$t programs running, inability to function, so code errors. Only thing a computer is lacking is emotional intelligence and morals. Plus, we are the sum of all our life experiences, and daily habits. If you have done nothing with your life like I have. You have no superior knowledge or a great plan with your life. I just lack alot of family support, or willpower to live. My anxiety and fear just preys on my insecurities. Like what will i do with my life. How long will i survive. Can i finanically make it this month. Maybe society makes us dysfunctional when we can’t adapt to it. Mental illness begins when we can’t be our own savior. Just like most books. Only the main character can be the hero of the story.
How many people here draw SSI or SSDI from their mental ilness or other medical conditions. I’m trying to file for SSI claiming fibromyalgia and Clinical Depression. I already live in low income housing. And it is hard for me to work due to my depression, anxiety and fibro. I already know i’m a waste of life. I just want to hide away from this evil cruel world. But if did you file or claim SSI. Can i know your claims or how long it taken you to get it. Please tell me yout story.
Would you ever die or take risks for somebody you love? Well, that was today. My daughter is 2 weeks old, ever since, the hospital called Child Protective Services and we have been investigated ever since. We weren’t allowed to take our baby home from the hospital when she was born. The only option was a safety plan through Cps to have the child stay at the mom’s parents for 2 weeks. Well, the safety plan was never courted ordered, we made the attempt to take the baby home from their house. They ripped the baby out of my hands, 2 on 1 fight. The dad and son fighting me, 17 and 40 something years old. They put me in headlock and teamed up on me. Basically unfair, because i already had baby in my hands, plus 2 people fighting me. I barely slipped out of a headlock, they get 1 punch to the temple and i luckliy i escaped from their house with the mother of my baby. Once the baby is 30 days out of the parents home, they can get me for child support, because im staying with mother and shes not her. We aren’t horrible parents, they just think we are incapable to support the baby, which is a bullshet claim. The parents just want to care for her. These no good rotten grand parents, side with CPS and are trying to get us to lose our baby. The court system is fuked and CPS is a f’ed up organization, you can imagine losing your baby, is makes you sick, i haven’t lost custody, but not able to be there for her is a sick feeling, im fighting for my baby. But it feels like a losing battle, more bs from CPS is to come and we have to agree to every little bs thing they tell us to do get our baby back, and its ridiculous. I dont how long i can fight for her. Its just one of those feelings its the world against you. Nobody cares about you. Trying your hardest and still failing. Its tiring and so much anxiety. I have a place, have a car, able to care for. I don’t see the problem. I hate this situation. I couldn’t even press charges against them. I would get a F3 kidnap or M1 child neglect and all they get is a disorderly conduct for what they did to me. This is the father and mother of baby trying just to get their baby back. I tried to get her before the 30 days are up with CPS because they can legally do whatever they want, and the safety plan is not court ordered, but the courts lets agency do whatever they damn well please. Our government is corrupted and does not care to take your baby. This in Ohio and i feel like this place but would do nothing but f’ you. I hope you guys listened and thanks for listening. I wish this nightmare would end, I hope you guys are okay. Its been 1 shetty day. God bless, not suicidal but i guess super depressional stories are okay. Look after yourselfs.
I have always felt unworthy of living. As I don’t deserve my life because I don’t know how to live. Hardly anyone accepts me. It is hard to make friends. Hard to find a good job. Hard to survive. I’m tired of being frustrated. I have tried ending it but could not. But its okay to try to live. To keep trying to change your life little steps at a time, trying to change your toxic and self destructive habits. I hate myself. But i’m going to make a attempt to live
I been trying to kill myself for awhile now. I have no super lethal means. Yeah I live in America with no guns. Pretty Un-American. If that was case, I would already be dead. Trick to suicide, is forcing yourself into a situation you can’t back out of. But being able to stop to save yourself is comforting, if you want to opt out. But that’s a dream, Death is usually a slow and painful process, disease, hunger, drowning. If you consider takings minutes to die a slow death, which to me, it is. It’s hurt like a b*tch and you’re not even sure if you’re dying. I wish I could just od’d and bam, gone. I’m frustrated not being able to die. I have no money, hardly any family that cares ( well the best type of family, they say they care, but won’t do sh*t to help you) hardly any friends, hardly a life, and I just want to be gone. I been alone a long time. I spent weeks without talking to anyone. I’m truly alone and hardly anyone cares. I have too many problems, so they run away. I don’t have any money, so they run away. Nobody ever hardly visits me. And if they did, it would be for a ride, or they want something. I’m sick of my life. I don’t see a way out. I’m a burden to this damn planet, and I want out.
There’s could be a lot of reasons why you consider suicide. It could be your health, wealth, happiness.
Think about it, you’re stressed out over money, stressed over your feelings (health) possibly depressed (hardly any release of happy chemicals from the brain). Everything has a psychological factor behind it. As in personality types, every mood. Your conscious self, your self esteem. You come here needing to express feelings, or find comfort with others as in how you feel. The “you’re not alone feeling” is comforting but sad at the same time. We are probably miserable of the same ideal problems, different story but same basis. If you don’t mind telling why you’re on this website, That’d be cool,I just like hearing people’s stories.
My fibromyalgia pain has been coming in strong. Its so strong. You literally feel like you’re dying, but you are awake and live through all the pain. Well if any good news, i been trying to change my life. 10x harder with Fibromyalgia. You feel bedridden, sick, and with no energy. You can sleep 8 hours and just restless when you wake up from all the pain. The sh*t takes it toll on your nervous system. It actually from any trauma you had in your life. I had two finger surgeries and mentally abused all my childhood starting at age 4. God, it makes me cry thinking about it. Imagine little kids 4 to 10, screamed and cussed at all the until he is a teenage, then he can defend himself a bit. But the damage was already done. Wasn’t shortly after being an adult, i get diagnosed with this. Its truly hell. Tbat’s why i think about death alot. Or have a obsession with it. I’m a Scorpio anyways, so by default. I’m obsessed with death. To leave a dying planet, that is so corrupted everything little thing is about money. And if you’re born poor with no mentors( parents that didn’t care about you) you’re sh*t out of luck. I’m already happy the U.S population can’t recover from how fast Americans are dying. America is so great, we have the opioid crisis, bullsh*t laws every corner, overpriced housing, underpaid jobs. 30% income tax, with all the taxes the Government is still broke. California is nuts right now. They want to add more tax to anything, water, electricity. Look at New York, third trimester abortion is legal, which is f*ked up. All the school shootings, murders, human trafficking, obesity, crazy heart disease and cancer. Overpriced hospitals, sh*t food every corner, mcdonalds, burgerking, dollar general wouldnt even have anything healthy. 40 million americans already have pre diabetes. I’m just saying my life sucks and this country sucks. “And everybody wants to come here, yeah its not much better, we are slowly becoming a third world country and where profit is made off people’s suffering. Sounds like hell without the money part.
Alright, yes. I’m f*cked up humaan being that wants to die. I was hanging myself in my closet. And i started having convulsions. How close was I?