Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for a fact I have osteoarthritis in both my fingers from the in juries and surgeries. I have had hand tremors before as the pain overwhelmed my body. I have something to fibro fog, where you can’t even think or focus, because all your mind is feel absolute pain. I’m unfortunately one of those people who had a failed suicide attempt that worse their life. One of the fears people do have on this site. If you know you can’t follow through, don’t make your life more miserable. I slit my wrist pretty deep, trying to find that artery. I stopped and cried for help, which is what most people are looking for, not death. That has cost me more pain in that wrist as I did need like 5-6 stitches. My latest injury, because life will never whooping my @$$. I had a freak accident, I was carrying a laundry basket full of heavy shit, I carried it leaning against me above my knees because its an easy carry. I some how flexed my knee cap and smashed it up against the bottom of the heavy box. Talk smashing your knee is freaking painful as hell. My life is hell. Thats the only I can desrcibe it anymore. Pain has robbed me from every living a normal life. I thought I was going to escape my childhood of abuse to live happy and normal. Boy I was wrong, stupid injuries after injury. Now, I feel like a crippled, the amount of suffering and agony I’m in, is beyond words. I think about death and suicide everyday. For me, this a result of, I can’t my life back. I can’t go back to work and feel normal. I can’t socialize and feel normal. I have scars now, that won’t ever heal. One of my favorite analogy of pain. A man takes an axe and swings at the tree. The man will grab wood off its limbs and return to his life. The tree remembers forever. You can’t forget pain, that will never leave. Time can’t heal wounds when the scars will never heal and ultimately, you can’t forget and move on from something, if your body can’t forget. If my life ever gets worse, I have to die. There’s times, where life gets so miserable, suicide is reasonably a solution, if you’re terminally ill. I feel that way, yeah my scars wont kill me, they sure as hell make me wish I was. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you wish you were dead.
This is an attempt to recover from whatever agony or ongoing mental illnesses are plaguing my mind and possibly my brain. I have suffered from depression ever since a teenager. I find bravery in telling my stories or my life experience. I probably could listen to hours of people life’s stories or perspectives on life since no sees through the same window pane. And more importantly, your values. What creates meaning to your life and what makes you feel as you have a purpose, or whatever is making you cling onto your life preventing suicide, which can easily can be our primal instincts of survival. As I’m getting older, I began to see we how we are all so similar in our unique ways. Have you ever thought posts on social media, is a reflection of your values, and every one’s true desires. How the Internet, knows more about you than you know about yourself. The worldwide web, will be a master key, to truly understanding humanity, and nothing but least, raveling the secrets and wonders of the world.
Just like this post, I can understand how technology has revolutionized this world into a more convenience and ideal world, even if it isn’t for the better. But the question will always remain, will it destroy us, were technology has surpassed our comprehension and understanding, and its to powerful for its own good, and which is anything absolute in power, absolutely corrupts (Ex Google selling all your private web browsing history- Purchase History) so crooked companies can con you into deals you can’t refuse, or whatever evil agenda would behind the sellout of our privacy.
Even Obama has made such an evil statement, we can’t have complete national security and complete privacy. Other words, the government can know everything there is to know about you, so they can evaluate if you’re menace to society, because the tribal rules, can protect society. I’m not saying wrong doers shouldn’t be punished, but the absolute control of the government haunts me. As they literally shutdown so many businesses and disrupt so many lives just with a simple government order through the governor and congress.
Which draws me back to original theory of life, we will always be the victim of our surroundings, and adapt to whatever ways society lives, through the complete control from the government and necessity of money to survive, which is easily corrupted.
We aren’t in in complete control of our lives as much as we wish. We are victims of our past experiences, future problems and whatever school of hard knocks, we must graduate. Which this paragraph finally ties into the first, mental illness is created and born, when we can’t adapt to society’s demands and hardships, creating us to be victims of society, especially money problems. I imagine how many people would quit being suicidal if they were rewarded money, as it can buy anything tangible in this world. Or how simple our illnesses can be resolved. Which mental illness, unfortunately usually a life sentence, if you can never escape it or beat it( Flight or Fight Response)
My point of this post, I challenge you to answer your owns questions about life, or whatever has brought you forth to browse The Suicide Project, just like my answers are all opinions, but I based them all on my life experiences. Plus, I just get a kick from truly understanding this world, which is so must important than knowing the answers. Here’s my wisdom, understanding the answer is so much more important than knowing the answer.
Sorry for the Very Long Post, I hope i opened your mind more, because feeling suicidal, you can maybe find the underlying disease and cure yourself from understanding why you were ever suicidal in the first place, and possibly bring yourself to a state of happiness, you do miss.
When you dream, and you have nightmare. Your subconscious mind is acting out your fears and anxiety. Most importantly, your response to those situations. Our brains are like computers. You have sh$t programs running, inability to function, so code errors. Only thing a computer is lacking is emotional intelligence and morals. Plus, we are the sum of all our life experiences, and daily habits. If you have done nothing with your life like I have. You have no superior knowledge or a great plan with your life. I just lack alot of family support, or willpower to live. My anxiety and fear just preys on my insecurities. Like what will i do with my life. How long will i survive. Can i finanically make it this month. Maybe society makes us dysfunctional when we can’t adapt to it. Mental illness begins when we can’t be our own savior. Just like most books. Only the main character can be the hero of the story.
How many people here draw SSI or SSDI from their mental ilness or other medical conditions. I’m trying to file for SSI claiming fibromyalgia and Clinical Depression. I already live in low income housing. And it is hard for me to work due to my depression, anxiety and fibro. I already know i’m a waste of life. I just want to hide away from this evil cruel world. But if did you file or claim SSI. Can i know your claims or how long it taken you to get it. Please tell me yout story.
Would you ever die or take risks for somebody you love? Well, that was today. My daughter is 2 weeks old, ever since, the hospital called Child Protective Services and we have been investigated ever since. We weren’t allowed to take our baby home from the hospital when she was born. The only option was a safety plan through Cps to have the child stay at the mom’s parents for 2 weeks. Well, the safety plan was never courted ordered, we made the attempt to take the baby home from their house. They ripped the baby out of my hands, 2 on 1 fight. The dad and son fighting me, 17 and 40 something years old. They put me in headlock and teamed up on me. Basically unfair, because i already had baby in my hands, plus 2 people fighting me. I barely slipped out of a headlock, they get 1 punch to the temple and i luckliy i escaped from their house with the mother of my baby. Once the baby is 30 days out of the parents home, they can get me for child support, because im staying with mother and shes not her. We aren’t horrible parents, they just think we are incapable to support the baby, which is a bullshet claim. The parents just want to care for her. These no good rotten grand parents, side with CPS and are trying to get us to lose our baby. The court system is fuked and CPS is a f’ed up organization, you can imagine losing your baby, is makes you sick, i haven’t lost custody, but not able to be there for her is a sick feeling, im fighting for my baby. But it feels like a losing battle, more bs from CPS is to come and we have to agree to every little bs thing they tell us to do get our baby back, and its ridiculous. I dont how long i can fight for her. Its just one of those feelings its the world against you. Nobody cares about you. Trying your hardest and still failing. Its tiring and so much anxiety. I have a place, have a car, able to care for. I don’t see the problem. I hate this situation. I couldn’t even press charges against them. I would get a F3 kidnap or M1 child neglect and all they get is a disorderly conduct for what they did to me. This is the father and mother of baby trying just to get their baby back. I tried to get her before the 30 days are up with CPS because they can legally do whatever they want, and the safety plan is not court ordered, but the courts lets agency do whatever they damn well please. Our government is corrupted and does not care to take your baby. This in Ohio and i feel like this place but would do nothing but f’ you. I hope you guys listened and thanks for listening. I wish this nightmare would end, I hope you guys are okay. Its been 1 shetty day. God bless, not suicidal but i guess super depressional stories are okay. Look after yourselfs.
I have always felt unworthy of living. As I don’t deserve my life because I don’t know how to live. Hardly anyone accepts me. It is hard to make friends. Hard to find a good job. Hard to survive. I’m tired of being frustrated. I have tried ending it but could not. But its okay to try to live. To keep trying to change your life little steps at a time, trying to change your toxic and self destructive habits. I hate myself. But i’m going to make a attempt to live
I been trying to kill myself for awhile now. I have no super lethal means. Yeah I live in America with no guns. Pretty Un-American. If that was case, I would already be dead. Trick to suicide, is forcing yourself into a situation you can’t back out of. But being able to stop to save yourself is comforting, if you want to opt out. But that’s a dream, Death is usually a slow and painful process, disease, hunger, drowning. If you consider takings minutes to die a slow death, which to me, it is. It’s hurt like a b*tch and you’re not even sure if you’re dying. I wish I could just od’d and bam, gone. I’m frustrated not being able to die. I have no money, hardly any family that cares ( well the best type of family, they say they care, but won’t do sh*t to help you) hardly any friends, hardly a life, and I just want to be gone. I been alone a long time. I spent weeks without talking to anyone. I’m truly alone and hardly anyone cares. I have too many problems, so they run away. I don’t have any money, so they run away. Nobody ever hardly visits me. And if they did, it would be for a ride, or they want something. I’m sick of my life. I don’t see a way out. I’m a burden to this damn planet, and I want out.
There’s could be a lot of reasons why you consider suicide. It could be your health, wealth, happiness.
Think about it, you’re stressed out over money, stressed over your feelings (health) possibly depressed (hardly any release of happy chemicals from the brain). Everything has a psychological factor behind it. As in personality types, every mood. Your conscious self, your self esteem. You come here needing to express feelings, or find comfort with others as in how you feel. The “you’re not alone feeling” is comforting but sad at the same time. We are probably miserable of the same ideal problems, different story but same basis. If you don’t mind telling why you’re on this website, That’d be cool,I just like hearing people’s stories.
My fibromyalgia pain has been coming in strong. Its so strong. You literally feel like you’re dying, but you are awake and live through all the pain. Well if any good news, i been trying to change my life. 10x harder with Fibromyalgia. You feel bedridden, sick, and with no energy. You can sleep 8 hours and just restless when you wake up from all the pain. The sh*t takes it toll on your nervous system. It actually from any trauma you had in your life. I had two finger surgeries and mentally abused all my childhood starting at age 4. God, it makes me cry thinking about it. Imagine little kids 4 to 10, screamed and cussed at all the until he is a teenage, then he can defend himself a bit. But the damage was already done. Wasn’t shortly after being an adult, i get diagnosed with this. Its truly hell. Tbat’s why i think about death alot. Or have a obsession with it. I’m a Scorpio anyways, so by default. I’m obsessed with death. To leave a dying planet, that is so corrupted everything little thing is about money. And if you’re born poor with no mentors( parents that didn’t care about you) you’re sh*t out of luck. I’m already happy the U.S population can’t recover from how fast Americans are dying. America is so great, we have the opioid crisis, bullsh*t laws every corner, overpriced housing, underpaid jobs. 30% income tax, with all the taxes the Government is still broke. California is nuts right now. They want to add more tax to anything, water, electricity. Look at New York, third trimester abortion is legal, which is f*ked up. All the school shootings, murders, human trafficking, obesity, crazy heart disease and cancer. Overpriced hospitals, sh*t food every corner, mcdonalds, burgerking, dollar general wouldnt even have anything healthy. 40 million americans already have pre diabetes. I’m just saying my life sucks and this country sucks. “And everybody wants to come here, yeah its not much better, we are slowly becoming a third world country and where profit is made off people’s suffering. Sounds like hell without the money part.
Alright, yes. I’m f*cked up humaan being that wants to die. I was hanging myself in my closet. And i started having convulsions. How close was I?
Still here, I told you guys around January 1, I was going to end it. But didn’t. Its truly an accomplishment if you’re able to pull it off. I have failed multiple times. I have been more religious since then. As corny as it sounds, I been trying to find God and become more faithful. I used to worship the devil. But that was because all the hate I had for God. Couldn’t imagine why he would put me through so much hardship. Well I listen to a really great story, it changes my views on it, his name is John Ramirez, he has a really great story, worshipped the devil for 25 years. Practiced Santeria, casted hexs and curses on people. Invoked demons and and called the devil his dad. All the spiritual warfare is real. And a lot of religions tie into together worshipping the same entity, Jesus(Yehova) . Its funny because they just interpret the bible different. But anyways, the shit is real. I saw my first ghost as a kid, I met someone who told me he was gifted, and his third eye was open. So, he could see auras, see ghosts. So i said show me, prove it. Boy he did. We went on a 5 mile walk. On a highway full of country, fields. It was about 30 ft away. He told me look at that tree. There was nice house beside it, a barn with a post light also next to it. I saw a black figure hanging from the tree. I stared at it a solid 5 minutes. One of those things, you can’t believe your eyes. What convinced me it was swaying side to side, slowly. Okay you don’t have to believe me, but I’ll believe my on eyes. I already been to truly haunted places, which gives “we need to get the hell out of here feeling” and it wasn’t just that feeling, but the feeling of hate and evil. I been going on this spiritual journey to find God, and myself. And if the devil exists, which he does. My crazy ass invoked him, as in called him into your body. It was ultimate feeling of fear, and I believe that’s his energy, as he is truly evil. People told me, that’s not my devil. He’s the same entity, different name. Well I been worshipping Jesus the last couple days, thank God I have, I been feeling nothing but love, and honestly, its probably the greatest feeling in the world. If there is any sixth sense I have its my heart. I have always been able to feel anything spiritual there. I have felt the Devil’s hate, and felt God’s love. Well anyways, I really encourage you to look up John Ramirez, he has an amazing story, knows all the in’s and out’s of the occult. Wrote book called “Out of the Cauldron” wish i can read it, but don’t have the money. If you look him on youtube, you can find all sorts of videos of him telling his story. I know a lot of you are like me, victims of your surroundings (neighborhood, town, economy) Life is truly difficult. I been broke for months, my truck broke down, and I have to work a minimum wage job just to have money, and I have to walk in this cold ass winter. I live in Ohio. But of all the bs, have people that love you. Have a good support system, if you can have it. I’m fortunate enough to have a few family members that do care about me. This world is definitely not made for the weak. I hope all of you can make it through these tough times. One thing will happen. You will learn how to be tough, and can make it through so much bs. I have love for you guys. I tried killing myself so many times and failed. So i just put it at that, God has a purpose for me. But I wish you all can make it through. Much Love
I’m really going to try to kill myself tonight. These last 2 two years, soon 3, have been hell. I always thought i could find a way out. I can’t. The pain just gets worse. The depression gets worse. I became so anti-social. So alone. My thoughts feel insane. Anybody I ever loved left or won’t help me. I wish people cared about me. But in a sick&twisted world. Those are just words. Nobody shows that they care. I was born to lose So I’ll die to win. I never thought that would mean taking my own life to find peace. Can’t win in life, might as well die to win
Electromagnetic Waves traveling through our brains
Mine says kill yourself until it drives you insane
Its more my body than myself
My body wants to end this hell
But I keep going, only time can tell
Where I’m Going Where I Been
Its like all the same shit has been hand in hand
I’ll smoke weed to forget myself
To forget I am even alive in this hell
I don’t want to consume energy and be existing
My heart is beating and I have a pulse
But I don’t feel alive
I have thoughts and feelings
But I don’t feel alive
Nobody cares about me
That’s why I want to die
This is me. But my fate has always been terrible. At this point in life, I don’t believe in a loving God. There’s just hate , and human nature. Which is usually narcissism.
If a picture can tell a 1000 words, mine are all lies. I grew up in a low income apt. Still poor. I remember being a happy kid until i was 4. My mother tossed her responsibility as a mother to side. I still lived with her. But she didn’t care for me. She allowed her boyfriend to verbally abuses me all the time and sometimes put his hands on me. That lasted 14 years. Just all about the way til I was 18. I get to live with those memories. Always jealous of kids who got to eat that table, get to have normal conversations or going out to eat with their family. Or family vacations or times together. I have hardly any of that. Just my father doing those things with me. He lived a town away but every once in awhile he would check up on me. He’s even guilty in a sense. Mom would always lie to him saying i was doing okay, he didn’t ask me. My mother was so worthless putting clothes on my back or school supplies was too much. The simple sh*t was too much. My first attempt at suicide when i was in 8th grade. A classmate killed herself (speculation) over a boyfriend. I have a good reason too believe that. That friday, she killed herself on sunday (mother’s day) her boyfriend was bragging of msg’s he sent her how he hated her. You’re worthless. And that incident happened long after. The reason i talk about that, i felt like that was when the first time pain was all i known and suicide crossed my mind. I taken a bottle of sleeping pills probably that week after. I have always felt like, i can’t let that girl have bigger balls than me. I puked them out that night. Still went to school the next day. Slept through all my classes haha. Then, things never gotten better. I had two finger surgeries from injuries that never gotten better. One was me punching out a window mad at my mom’s boyfriend, had a right middle digit tendon repair. And other one was a sports injury. Snapped my pinky catching a football. I know how lame. Glass and a football ruined me haha. Now i have pain in my right arm because i used to make donations at biolife and they use big needles. Would donate twice a week. Now that pain lingers. All my scars have pain. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. They do that when a doctor can’t figure what’s causing your pain. Anyways, all that pain reaps havoc on your nervous system causing a nice relenting hell. I have developed what’s called fibro eyes. The nervous system is so overwhelmed by pain, other parts of your body start feeling pain. All i wish for is death. I tried so many times at this point but have failed. Anything i wish for and dream about is wishful thinking. I do have a last . I believe stem cell therapy might just turn my hell around but can’t afford it haha. I give myself alot of credit for making it this far. Suicide is 10x more common for a person with fibromyalgia. Against normal chances. Yes, i made this far. But do i think it was worth it? Not if it doesn’t get any better. A life full of pain is worthless to me. If you taken the time to read my story, thank you. Sincerely,
Its like life runs in reverse
We are born to die
Things fall together to fall apart
The truth always is believed as a lie
As disease and illness rules our fate
Its like a hospital bed becomes our only place
If depression and pain hasn’t already claimed you
Its like my thoughts drive me insane
“Kill yourself Can you?”
Its like my brain crys out for help
But knows I can’t be saved
A true hell is already here
Look at the millions suffering
They are begging for death to be saved
Life is truly an illness
Everyone is just hiding their pain
God couldn’t hurry to kill me
He loves watching me suffer
And I didn’t have to be on flames
I’m what you actually see
Nobody wants to see me though
So they run away into their dreams
I creep upon people when they are sleep
I’m the first thing they see when they wake
Oh do they wish I wasn’t real
But only your dreams are fake
I’m the cruelest dream
And such a pain
Most people take their lives
So they don’t have to see my face
A worthless poet with nothing to live
Should of kept his depression to himself, minding his biz
I walk through the valley of shadow of death. Don’t say that.
You’re a nihilist, you know Christianity doesn’t mean sh*t
Did I offend somebody, sorry it was my depression
It doesn’t care for me like your worthless beliefs
How could you say that about our creator. I don’t know Galileo must of proved something to be right
And it wasn’t your creator.
How could you say that?
I’m not pathetic enough to believe lie
All I ever wanted out of life was to die
Why don’t you use to just to do it then?
Death isn’t easy, neither is living
Its all hard. Wanting to die but can’t. Having to live but can.
Would you understand me? I’m just a man
Pathetic worm pulled from the grass. Ripped in half like shattered glass.
I must be an animal that’s really what I am. People look at me and they seem to can’t stand.
If dying is freedom and living is slavery. Wow, must be the rat race
I have tried so many times in the past to kill myself but always failed miserably. I haven’t suffered alot of damage. Just one big cut on my forearm from trying. I’m one of the souls on this earth impatient to die but can’t follow through. Making the earth more hell because of his own existence. I know I seem dramatic and exaggerated, but this life isn’t worth it. I guess I am a nihilist. Lost all hopes and ambitions in life. Don’t see the point of living. Can’t change my life. Just kill me.
Does anybody here overthink or easily stress themselves out? I guess that’s what anxiety is. I never feel calm and my mind keeps overthinking shit like its so important to try to remember everything and i hate it. What would you recommend for a person that struggles with daily constant thoughts, easily stressed out and overthinking?