I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few times… but that’s okay. I don’t need to be remembered. But I’ll miss him a lot. I just hope he knew I cared a lot about him too. I know it’s childish and selfish to think that way… I mean I’m not angry or anything- it’s just a way of life I guess, sometimes you’re just not as important to someone as they are to you. Hell, I could be misinterpreting the whole thing, but I’ll never ask. Just always feels that way I guess.
Did finally get my license earlier this week- first try, so at least it’s not something I have to worry about anymore. One less thing to stress about. I can’t really say I’m proud- applauding the bare minimum seems stupid to me, but I guess I feel relieved. I’m just so behind in… just life in general. So nothing feels like success. Maybe because inside I know it’s not. I don’t know. But now that I can go out whenever I think about just driving off and ending it all more often than not. I really feel like I could pull it off- just head far off to who knows where and just get it over with. End the burden that is me, I guess. I considered it today, actually, but then remembered I don’t have anything to use just yet.
I have energy for absolutely nothing, all the time. I’m able to keep the mask on for just long enough before coming back down to my room to rot for the rest of the day. It’s all I feel good for, to be honest. I can’t ever get my mind to shut the hell up anyway. Just sitting here with these thoughts day and night every god damn day and night. I just want to shut them off. I just want to know what it really feels like to feel okay I don’t even have to feel good anymore if life doesn’t want to give me that- just one day of feeling… okay. The closest I get to that is numb. And I’m just tired of it. What the hell am I staying here for anyway? To waste everyone’s space with my pathetic existence? At least I don’t talk about anything to anyone anymore- save for here. At least I don’t burden people with my complaining that way. Well, mostly, I guess. I don’t know I’m sure I slip up more than enough. Like I always do. Can’t seem to do much right.
To J Doe if you do end up reading this and if it means anything I hope you know I appreciate your words/responses more than I can say, and I’m sorry I don’t in turn give the same. As pathetic as it is I genuinely just don’t know how to at times- it’s very obvious I’m bad at talking anyway but I always worry about coming off really ignorant or insensitive sometimes. Or just stupid. So I just don’t. I know it’s probably nothing to you and that’s totally fine, just as long as you know I care in some sense, I guess. And appreciate you. Sorry.
I don’t know what to do other than just stare at the ceiling and try not to break down. I don’t want to do that. But there doesn’t seem to be much else to do. Sit here and rot in this shithole of a room I don’t even deserve and can’t even get any quiet because my brain won’t let me. I’m so tired of it all anymore. Even breathing just takes so much damn effort that I just don’t have. I don’t even have it in me to kill myself, that’s the shitty thing. I know it’s my own fault anyway, that I’m a broken mess and created even more of a mess. A drag on everything around me. At least in isolation I keep the others from drowning with me. I couldn’t ask them for help at this point and feel okay with it. I couldn’t hurt them further. I won’t.