I’m not doing too hot. I’m actually in excruciating pain. I present my progress tomorrow. The robot isn’t done. I spent the last few weeks working on nothing but the project. That’s a lie. I’ve spent a lot of it goofing off. Every second I spent playing games could have been spent on the project. I spent around 14 hours yesterday trying to assemble it. No dice. Any idiot with half a brain could have done what I did in a few hours. It’s killing me. The stress. I can feel myself getting sick. My body is creaking and popping. My current outlook on existence is that everything is like a concrete wall you bash your head into, thinking you’ll make a dent. You think that if you do it long enough and hard enough you’ll put a dent in it. But all you end up with is a broken brain.
I told him this today. My psychiatrist. I think this is the first time since her that I showed that side of myself to someone. I talked to him like I would talk on here. I questioned if a person should be able to choose to end their life if they wanted to. And if so, why do people make such a big deal out of it. He gave me an explanation. I don’t remember it all that well, but he did mention something about it being an illogical decision done by people with a certain mental capacity that is not deemed fit to make decisions. I told him that I get that everyone sees it as illogical, but I told him that I simply can’t see things the way everyone does and that their logical is my illogical and my logical is their illogical. He did the typical “It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and I said that it’s all temporary. That if all the happiness and sadness and pain and love and fear and anger is all temporary, then none of it matters. I did explain to him that I have this anchor. This part of myself that keeps moving. That keeps making these choices. That makes me apply to grad school and spend 14 hours on a Sunday working on something that’s just going to be a failure. And I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is and it confuses me. It’s confused me for years. He said he wanted to see me next week and that he wants to talk to my therapist. I don’t know why I trust him. I just do. I never ever show people this side of me. At least not all of it. In such a total way. But I let him see it. I still trust him.
I’m stalling from making my presentation. I don’t know if I’ll get much sleep tonight. If I’m lucky my advisor will skip tomorrow, but I know that won’t be the case. Because if it’s funny, then it will happen. And I know my suffering is funny.
To go with the wall motif:
3 comments
I have a curious question. And please try not to take this offensively. But have ever considered that you might be trying to self-sabotage? The only reason i’m asking you is because it seems like every new step in your internship or project seems to stress you out to almost incipacitating state. I wonder if your trying to free yourself mentally and emotionally from expectation because it would just be infinitely less stressful not to succeed? I may be way off of the mark on this one, but it seemed like it might be worth pointing out. Either way, I hope that resolves itself in your favor.
Damn, this stuff is pretty hard to admit I must figure, but it’s even harder to be in the midst of it doing that to yourself no doubt. Yes, I will agree with you there since I often have the same line of thinking myself while slacking off, every second you spent on other things could have been spent on the project, and that’s true even since I’ve given up such things for the most part and I’m attempting to give up other stuff that detracts from the focus of whatever I need to do to get my stuff together, as a result gaining more progress than I’ve seen beforehand. And when I do realize that, it’s kind of saddening, I will admit, but nonetheless makes me not want to go back to the ways I operated beforehand. In my case and scenario at least, it’s easier to attempt to do the “right things” nowadays, even if I don’t have that nailed down yet and I’m still messing up a bunch all things considered.
Although what I will say is that if you can spend 14 hours on it one day, GOOD. Very good sign. Of course, yet another point about iteration I am making here, and I do understand that a bunch of the time iteration may not come in clutch or quickly enough, that you may not be prepared or on par with the task when you need to be, but odds are you’ll survive that like the various mishaps that have occurred beforehand, which relays your focus back to your own abilities thankfully enough. Actual failure comes in pieces, yet the bounce back from that comes quicker than it becomes whole most of the time.
Your conversation with the psychiatrist got me thinking though, primarily because of the generalization about one taking their own life they made as a professional in the field. It’s something you see all the time I’m guessing, my own psychiatrist would say the same thing because I’m also guessing that’s the definition that is officially assigned to such a course of action in the first place, in an “objective sense” or at least one that does not encourage it. Their explanation when it came to said people not being “deemed fit to make decisions” for such a group though almost neglects to mention how there are many of said people walking around day after day in society, having to carry themselves around and no one necessarily having space for said concerns, essentially kind of neglecting reality in a sense (at least in my opinion) and assuming that everyone can have decisions made for them by a more “rational” actor.
If only that were the case, except the case is people either have their decisions made by themselves or made for them by someone who is only possibly more “rational” than they are in the situation they are describing. Suffice to say, I think such a view is actually a bit idealistic, if not negligent, but I’m stating the obvious and you know that.
There’s also the part about everyone who understands such a decision, and furthermore framing said decision under a rational basis being illogical themselves. I really don’t think that’s the case considering how diverse people’s views on the topic can be, more so that for all people there are going to be some things they agree on and some things they disagree on, and then that’s all going to vary between each and every person, down to the tiniest details and semantics. Suicide is one of them, in that it’s not either a yes or no, but hell, it’s a maybe? In between, sorta? It comes in several different shapes and forms besides one directly taking their own life and the same goes for the kind of mindset behind it. Someone could have plenty of characteristics that intentionally make their life a living hell, and that could be seen as throwing themselves to the wolves even if they have a normal cause of death at a normal age. It ultimately falls under a much wider umbrella if anything.
Then again, what I’ve referenced here is a bit vague and not necessarily clear cut, all I can say is that there’s more to it than what would originally be presented in terms of conversational input from some back and forth time. Such talks are not the be all and end all, they are the start (in my opinion, and that’s assuming they go even the slightest bit of right), and I assume your psychiatrist would agree with that.
And also, when it comes to leaving the worst to luck such as maybe having your presentation happen or not, it’s nearly always best to have it in your control. Maybe a bit redundant of a point, I know, but that’s why in my situation I’m planning to move out as soon as I can regardless of whether people get their stuff together or not. There’s no time to hope for the best, really isn’t. Would be nice to have rent paid for a few more years but I can’t take more chances in my book. I’d be paying dearly for it.
Such a thing provides a sense of urgency of course, but one must also realize that our actions at times may not be aligned with it either. I feel like it’s kind of part of the human condition in a sense for that kind of behavior to rise up, but either way, once you logically realize it, do act on said logic. Some parts of you are obviously working with you, others not as much. You arguably have more of a chance getting everything working for your benefit, all things considered. It’s just a matter of when that happens, and the timing is incredibly crucial…