I hate to put the blame all on someone else but my youth was a complete disaster thanks to that guy. It only dominoed into my early adulthood.
When I think of my father, I think of an angry man who would do nothing but yell, scream, and physically hurt me, my brothers and my mom. I just remember him cussing us out, kicking us, telling me how much I embarrass him because I wasn’t impressing anyone on the football field or the track. I remember how much of a Karen he was whenever we were out in public. He’d be that guy complaining over nothing and making a scene over petty things. If anything, HE was embarrassing me. It’s why I secretly preferred it when he couldn’t make it to my football games, because it meant that he would be on the sidelines barking at me or making that ugly seething at the mouth face and eyes wide open like a maniac. He would spend the whole drive back home lecturing me about how I should’ve done this or could’ve done that on this play and that play. Then at home he’d make me put on the shoulder pads and he’d indirectly take out his anger on me for hours. I remember how he made me cry tears into my cheerios when I asked him for help with my math homework because he was impatient with me.
The guy wonders why I turned out so soft but he was the main cause behind it.
I couldn’t find peace or a backbone because even home felt unsafe. God forbid I spill a glass of water, that’ll trigger him, god forbid I don’t grill the steaks to his liking, or he’ll berate me as I’m cooking them and then continue to berate me during dinner.
Then to add more fuel to the fire, he kept making us switch schools every year or two because we kept moving homes. This made making friends a pain in the ass. As soon as I was settling in at one school, it’d be time to move to a new one.
I have such bad luck that when my dad did finally stop moving, we’d actually gone back to our old house where i was re-enrolled into my old school. I thought this was a good thing. I thought maybe I could reconnect with old classmates but instead all of them had moved on and made new friends. I had such bad luck that this was also the year that I got targeted by over 10 bullies. This bullying continued on from 5th grade to 8th grade. Each year I became more and more depressed and isolated.
High School was only a slight improvement, at least on the bullying front. The problems back at home and with football still remained. Junior year of high school was also the year my mom finally had the courage to leave my father and move out. I decided to escape and move in with mom. But the damage was already done by then, I had become too broken to make any real change. I definitely tried, I even made friends out of 8 loners during my Senior year of high school at my new school. I initiated all of those friendships. Problem is that I was graduating that year, and I knew things had to end.
Fast Forward to today and my life is a mess, I’m an alcoholic with 2 DUI’s and live with my aunt and uncle. Funny how life works, people are always getting off on the idea that their bullies and those who “peaked” in high school end up losing later in life but I’ve always found that way of thinking pretty sickening. I’m not so bitter about my past that I wish or fantasize of misfortune for my ex-bullies. My older brother was what society would call a stereotypical jock all throughout his school years, he now has a wife, lives in a nice home in the nice part of town, makes nearly 3 figures, and today I just got word that he’s gonna have a son soon.
At least nerds have college, they have that card that they can use later in life but loners who weren’t nerds? They have absolutely nothing. I guess the only thing I got out of this is that I can read between the lines of peoples motives pretty easily. I can see BS when it appears.
I’ve met genuinely kind people and most of those people I met when I was at my lowest. Most of them were strangers.
People often think I’m plotting to become rich so that I can “show them”. They got me all wrong. Just like some chick back in high school who said: “one of these days lonewolf23 is gonna shoot up the school”. I don’t wanna show anyone, I just want peace. What I am gonna do is save my money and get far away from society and live off the land. Maybe then I can find some peace in nature. I’ll unsubscribe from it all.
2 comments
Sorry to hear about what you went through….the early childhood and teen years can be extremely formative to life.
Your dad sounds like a lunatic and probably had mental issues. Frankly-not to trash all people with a poor education, but it seems to me that people who don’t complete university degrees tend to make the worst parents.
The reason is that rather than use their brains to solve problems, they get angry and violent…I take after my mother who was well educated while my dad didn’t go to college/uni…but he was smart in other ways, he was more worldly but then an azzhole in interpersonal relationships and I felt he was part sociopathic.
You also need stability to form good relationships with people…while you can make good friends in grade school…but the trouble is that they won’t always remain as people always move to other cities/countries for career and other reasons.
I did have a number of great friends in high school but we all went in different ways, esp. for university and jobs…the lasting relationships I made were in university.
At the end of the day, as bad as your early life was…all you can really do is focus on your goals and move on. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s the same issue we all face-esp though of us who’ve had a bad life.
My biggest regret was not finding my s/o or being too picky or shy or whatever I was doing at the time to prevent myself from dating and marrying someone I really liked.
Having had a good s/o would’ve made the ups and downs I experienced so much better….but I had more of a ‘sow the fields’ mindset instead of committing to one girl and that was a bad move on my part also.
Nothing can undo what you suffered through but don’t let the past ruin your present or future.
Agreeing 100% with Soda here, what you were focusing on before all the completely unnecessary bullcrap happened was your own life and arguably should none of it had happened that is what you would continue to focus on. The best part about such a situation is that none of those people or things are still present today.
You could say that the past words and incidents are, but then it comes down to what such things objectively meant about the people at hand, all of those people who contributed consistently to the harm of your well being while also knowing, to at least some extent about what they were doing. They will undoubtedly have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Some of them will be more unphased by it in comparison to others, but the truth nonetheless being that they did, in fact, do such things, regardless of their background. The difference between said bullies and those who hope that they get what’s coming to them is that the latter quite frankly does nothing to the former in this situation with their thoughts alone. Sure, those thoughts could be expressed, but even then it’s up to how such perpetrators perceive it in the first place, and you know that they’d have a too generous outlook on themselves for their own good. I’m not sure if karma exists quite frankly, but part of it would be such negligent people having control over their own lives. They are responsible for whatever happens, good or bad. After all, odds are they didn’t have people harassing them to such an extent like what happened with your case.
Considering your older brother specifically, “stereotypical jock” would not mean serial instigator of misfortune to those around them. You can be a stereotypical jock and not have to harm people for no reason in particular around your general vicinity, there could quite literally be no correlation between the two even. Why in the hell does an interest in sports and perhaps competing in them for a bunch of your school years have to correlate with being a bad person? If anyone were to make excuses for that, saying pushing people into a corner and gauging their emotional reactions like some sort of test subject is part of learning how to aim a ball inside a hoop, I think that heavily implies a moral failure on their part which may not be fixed anytime soon. It’s an assumption to say that they’ll have a hard time changing from that, sure, but it’s much more generous compared to the assumptions they make about you. Assuming that your entire purpose in life would be to remain hung up over what they did to you and seek success based off that, or to act as a school shooter so they can fucking talk about it later as gossip as if whatever the fuck that would happen in such a scenario isn’t intrinsically tragic, such thoughts deserve no sympathy.
You on the other hand, do deserve sympathy, empathy and everything of that sort considering such a situation. And I’d be hard pressed to say that in comparison to the “nerds” you yourself wouldn’t have any merit, primarily because that isn’t true and your identity has always extended far beyond all of these things which have merely happened to you, and not actually the circumstances which you have chosen for yourself. That being said, it’s more so time to consider what your current circumstances are like and move from there, because thanks god are you no longer in bad company I assume.
Sure, currently you have a problem with alcohol (which in this case I’m not sure to the extent of, but you at least recognize that you do) and you have 2 DUIs, living with your aunt and uncle. Those are only three factors out of millions or maybe even billions that realistically paint a whole picture of your current situation, and that’s only one picture. What else is the case, and what else do you have to work off of today? That would indeed be the question.