Shorted the last PCB I had. No chance that I can make the deadline now. I was working late at night. Around 9:30. Everyone was already gone. I thought that if I really tried and spent the time that things would turn out all right. But it’s been one failure after another. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I walked home crying. Trying my best not to catch anyone’s attention walking by. I had to talk to someone. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Texted those dumb crisis hotlines. Told them the whole spiel. How I just want to die. How everything I do is a joke. I just sat in the tub when I got home and soaked. Tried to calm me down. Thought of the kitchen knives I had. Dull as fuck. Couldn’t cut shit. But I grabbed it and had it close by. Tried to force myself to do it. Just the throat and wrists and wait. Course I couldn’t. Who was I putting on a show for? Eventually I calmed down. The hotline was sorta helpful, but you know. Only to a point. Stayed away from the lab today. Just couldn’t stand being there. Ran some errands instead. Got a good meal. Didn’t eat anything yesterday. Too busy working. Finally bought groceries. Hadn’t since Saturday and it was only enough for a few days. Got some parts for the project. The replacement PCBs (which I probably fucked up when I ordered them) should come in Tuesday. Not enough time. What do I say to my advisor? What do I say to everyone in the lab? They know I’m a joke. But the joke just isn’t funny anymore. For anyone.
The reason why I maintain that I could finally get over the wall with a gun is because of those 2 seconds. Those 2 seconds where you just let your impulses take the wheel. Then nothing more. Waiting to die when you cut yourself or try to OD sucks. It gives you a chance to back out by calling 911 and time to think about all the shitty mistakes in life. Hanging yourself requires all this set up and those brief few seconds probably are scary as shit. Same with dry dives. People who jump off bridges and buildings and live say that those 10 seconds or so were the scariest thing they ever experienced. But with a gun and some booze, I just need 2 seconds. Nothing will be going through my brain except the bullet. Just 2 seconds. Not even long enough for a thought. At least that’s what I tell myself. Maybe it’s just me rationalizing not doing it. Making up more excuses. But something has to give. My fear of living or my fear of dying. I just need to overcome that one fear once and then I’m set. Just let go.
2 comments
I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now. It’s a truly miserable state to be in. I’ve contemplated my death more frequently these days, but the truth is I don’t really want help. I have been occupying my time with fairly meaningless tasks in order to progress time faster than if I halted living altogether. But the truth is i’m just buying time for a conclusion i’m not looking forward too. But here we are…
I can’t live in a world where we both give up. Please fight until there is nothing left to fight for. Don’t wind up in my shoes and make a series of bad choices that lead to my self-defeatist position in my 40’s. I may have pissed away my future, but you surely haven’t yet. A place like this stays stronger if we all stick together.
why is them seeing you that way that bad? Go hop a bus, never see any of them again. This whole thing appears to be a dead end, write or call the people who matter when you get somewhere you can be safe.
I’ll admit, I need more context. I’ve looked like a weird freak joke outsider most of my life. So when I’m not…. that’s all gravy. It looped back around so I don’t get much grief for it anymore.
On the subject though, you’ve already thought about it too much to be an “impulse” type, anyone who posts on here has. The impulse type doesn’t think about it long enough to register. They reach that level, they go out and do it.
Two seconds? I doubt it. It’s a hard mark to hit even when someone is given all the money they could ask for and time. Where I live they really want to make the death penalty work, so they keep trying. They can’t get the chemistry right. They’ve been at it for at least 20 years.
I didn’t know that way back they tried more alternatives, now there are some stories that’ll turn your hair. Horror always helps my suicidality, real life horror all the more. Some pain I can define I figure gives me something to wrap my head around.
It’s fricken spooky season, to me the funniest time of year, the time to admit our shortfalls. Yes, momento mori remember you will die. It doesn’t have to be today. Why should it be today? or this week? This month? This year? any of it? Death will get to you, it’s got you an appointment set.
There’s no need to rush it.
There’s more to you than this. There’s more to you than whatever you do at work. I have to believe that, I screwed up at least 1/3 of this week while my boss harped on me for it not giving an inch of grace for it. Now though, it’s the weekend, I can take off my work hat.
So, maybe you can too.