anhedonia

One thing I’ve discovered in the last month of my fight is that it takes effort, you have to work at it if you have depression and you want to take an interest in, well anything at all.

The opposite isn’t doing nothing though, it’s just apathy towards whatever there is to do, being miserable about it and doing it anyway.

So I don’t know what piece you need. I’m still unraveling the mystery of how nothing is worthwhile yet so much is required, and it’s not like I can prescribe my existential apathy combined with just enough sense of duty to keep me at it. If there is a greater truth in this universe, I won’t be tuning into it at this rate.

It takes a certain kind of insanity to commit to silliness like I have. To produce nonsense, process nonsense, and be at the whims of absurdity and chaos, and yet keep together some sense of self care? I figure that needs a certain level of delusion.

So that’s my answer, as long as you keep trying to find whatever ordinary people have I can’t help you.

I specialize in derelicts and disreputable characters. Those are the only people who seem to react well to what I have to offer. However not all of them are willing to admit to it, and I try to be gentle with a lot of them.

That’s the question though husk, are you a disreputable character and are you willing to admit that as part of your function, or do you deny it? No shame in denying it! I wish I could!

I think we are both in struggles over who we want to be and who we are, and it’ll be interesting to see the outcome in either case. I want to finally turn the corner on being an agent of evil to some extent….. but can I deny it? Is that my nature?

Self focus, that’s me all over.

Stuff stops working over time, that’s a universal fact of passtimes. What you need changes, and what a passtime might provide changes. So if life is going to be engaged, and there really isn’t much of an option to keep eating, new approaches on old hobbies are needed or new hobbies. You’ll have to change.

I’m going to tell one of my stories; I’ve had a few video games that really did it for me, but none like modded Minecraft used to. I played tens of thousands of hours. I had an instinctual understanding of those mods and how they were coded. I spent hours optimizing systems.

Then I would fall out with it, and avoid it for a few months or years. I remember the last time I went back to it though and I knew it was the last time. It didn’t whiz in my head like before, escaping into that world. One thing that had happened was that Microsoft had aquired Mojang and made changes which essentially meant the game as I knew it was over.

The other thing was that I grew out of it. I discovered elements of that love in other games, but never again all at once. Even now, I’m not the gamer I was.

My latest game works for me though. It’s called Infection Free Zone. In it you control a group of survivors after a zombie apocolypse. The thing that really makes it fun is that it uses real world maps.

So the map I’m playing right now is the downtown of the city I live in. Dodging zombies in streets I’ve been drunk in is FUN in a special way. Plus I can tear down buildings, that’s cathartic as hell. I just got to day 28 of survival, two days playing in a row and that’s pretty neat.

So if you want to find something, I’d be glad to help you look. There are diverting and entertaining things. I didn’t even get into my cryptid tourism or horror novels. It’s silly and trivial to many people, but I still get a whiz out of it.