i just can’t, and it’s getting worse. night by night, little by little. but it doesn’t feel like a little. i just want to know what okay feels like. want to know what being enough is like. im trying really hard to be enough, to get my life together, so i can actually matter. but the days continue and not mattering is starting to really get to me. the failing feeling. the isolation. god, the isolation… its better to just pretend im fine anyway because talking about anything would just burden everyone more. everything’s eating me alive, i feel like im being ripped apart. i hate it. i hate me. i was supposed to be strong, i was supposed to help everyone. someone to be relied on. and now look at me. i wont look at me anymore. i dont want to do this anymore, this constant spiral until i can manage to reach this numbness thats not really numbing as it is dulling. i cant take it anymore. i keep saying that, so maybe it seems like im just a baby about everything and cant handle life. maybe thats true. maybe i cant. maybe i shouldnt bother. i dont really want to anymore. i dont have anything to hold on to, at least nothing that i deserve to have. and yet my stupid brain keeps begging for it- for some sort of relief or release that wouldnt occur anyway. i dont matter enough for any of it. i dont know what it feels like to matter. i want to scream and cry and b itch and moan but i cant even do any of that. at least i taught myself better than that. well, maybe not that well since im on here. but i have nothing else. this never ending static in my head. im tired. im tired of holding on when it doesnt matter, tired of trying to matter, tired of trying to find the way in this world. tired of the pain, tired of my stupid fucking brain. of the never ending bullshit. but really i guess im just tired of me. so utterly sick and tired of me. id rip myself out of my skin if i could, if it meant i didnt have to be me anymore. a failure, a burden. and weak. im weak as shit. i shouldve killed myself in 2017 like i said i would/wanted to before my mom sent me off. but no, someone who doesnt even talk to me anymore reported my ass. she didnt even fucking care. not really. she just ghosted me for years straight twice. it was just a hs long distance thing, but damn it i cared. she sure acted like she did for a time. not that im mad, not really, because i knew the whole damn time she/they/whatever they go by now would leave. find something better i guess. but it doesnt matter anymore anyway. nothing does. not like someone foolish enough will exist to love… this. and if there is, they shouldnt. im undeserving of any of it. im so sick of living. ive been holding tears every night for like a week and last night it gave me a damn migraine. i dont even deserve to cry. i cant crawl out of the rot. i almost drove off for good today, i accidentally missed the place to turn and kept going and going and thought about just not coming back. no longer another burden or stress to worry about. i couldve done it. hell, i shouldve. i should do a lot of things. but i dont. but i think perhaps im coming closer to that point where i can do what i should do. what would be better in the long run for everyone involved. i just dont want to hurt anymore. i dont even know what it feels like not to hurt and somehow that stings even more. to have your brain just be quiet. just to be okay. im scared ill never be okay, and if thats the case i dont want to bother staying here anymore. itll just burden everyone else around me, just drag them down even more. and yet i feel so utterly isolated, so unseen. i know its better that way, but damn it hurts. but im not stupid enough anymore to believe someone could look at all this and so much as tolerate it. god im so fucking pathetic.
im not going to be here much longer. not if i have anything to say about it. not if i find what i need. im tired of fighting, and i dont deserve to anyway. god it never stops i just want it to stop it hurts so fucking bad and im going to break and no ones even gonna see it and even though its better this way it doesnt change that im sinking into this pit of hell and ill never get out. i give up im so fucking tired im sorry