Does anyone else feel evil?
When sad shit happens to me, I just move on without giving it a second thought. A while back, I had a falling out with my best friend of nine years – someone I spent a lot of time with. Since then, it’s been almost four months, and I haven’t really felt sad, and I haven’t even felt like I missed her. Also kind of recently, a close cousin died of cancer. Of course, I thought the death was tragic and unfortunate (cancer is no fucking joke), but I just couldn’t bring myself to grieve – like, I physically couldn’t bring myself to be sad (and yes, I hate myself for it). I’m this way with literally everyone in my life. If, for whatever reason, someone leaves or doesn’t appear in my life frequently, I just move on as if they never existed in the first place. When I stopped talking to my brother for months (another falling out; his fault), nothing fundamentally changed for me. I just felt like I had one less person to deal with.
So, what I’ve just admitted so far probably makes me seem like such an evil and cruel person, which I probably am. I mean, I’m supposed to feel devastated when things like this happen, but instead, there’s just nothing. A whole lot of nothing. Even though I want to convince myself that, deep down, I really do care and don’t know how to express it, I honestly don’t know anymore. All I know is that, for the past few years, something has been wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it so that I can go back to the way I used to be. I seriously wonder what my problem is. Am I just a horribly selfish person? Or, is this normal?
7 comments
Not necessarily. Apathy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re evil. I guess it just depends on the other stuff going on in your life. And the fact that your questioning this means your apathy doesn’t stem from cold indifference, but something else. I guess finding out what it is is the tricky part.
I just don’t get why I can’t turn my feelings back on. I know I want to feel again; I just don’t remember how to, yk.
I think it’s a defense mechanism…we become immune to sad experiences. Don’t feel bad about it, or feel ‘abnormal’ just because you don’t have feelings for some people.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. People die daily in the world…even in our own cities, why should anyone really care, when we didn’t know them?
I’m a very kind person when it comes to strangers…and with those in my closest circle. But people further out, esp. fake friends, I keep an eye on them, expecting to get burned or disappointed and sure enough it happens.
I had a friend of many years…but it was a friendship of convenience…he thought I could help him out by starting a business together…but once things didn’t work out for us, then he distanced himself or just used me when he felt alone to chat/hang out.
Eventually I realized he never wanted to actually be my friend…I suspect he thought he was better than me…whatever the case, one day he just stopped replying and never has since then. I learned some things about him after from other people who know him and I realized he’s a pos who was just using me and talking behind my back.
So I really couldn’t care less about most people-esp those pretending to be my friend. But if I see someone having trouble and if it’s something fairly easy to resolve, I’ll help out.
Like I just donated some cash to this older woman today, bought her perfume…she was almost begging me for some money and she was older and was really nice. I honestly wish I could do more for people like that…but I’m struggling myself.
I almost broke up with a friend recently over differing views…and we’ve been close for 20 plus years…to lose someone like that feels like cutting off your right arm…but he said something interesting.
He mentioned that he’s had huge arguments with another friend of his and they stayed close friends, he saw no reason to end our relationship…and I felt the same way. We just avoid talking about certain subjects…and I’m glad he’s still in my life…apart from our disagreement he’s a very good friend.
I think went through something similar as you…all the bad experiences in life made my body turn off my feelings…but they’re still there with people I care about.
Like I dated this girl for a while and we had intense feelings for each other (though she can be moody) …. but anyways, we drifted apart and one day she had just moved on and was into another guy and only saw me as a friend after.
I was driving to work and like I was saying normally I didn’t have strong emotions, but I started bawling uncontrollably…. I was hoping none of the other drivers saw me and I didn’t want to walk into work looking like I had been crying intensely.
I thought I had my feelings under control…but I realized I cared for her more deeply than I realized…I couldn’t get over how amazing she looked at certain times and how close we were and the great times we had together….at least in the beginning. But being rejected like that felt pretty cold…how she could move on so easily?
I mean that was many years ago so I got over much of it…but I hadn’t cried that much since I was a kid…or another time when I had serious depression and problems in my life, potentially facing homelessness at one time, luckily I dodged that bul.let…but it was almost about to happen…thankfully I got my act together and avoided it.
It’s normal enough for the people I live around. Most people don’t care, hard to tell if they ever did. Then I get to work in the field I do, shaming them for it.
I feel more than almost everyone I meet. I can be just as much a husk as any of them, of course. It’s a matter of choice.
We aren’t even welcome to care for a lot of people. Caring for someone when they don’t want care borders on abuse. Dwelling in the horror is a necessary skill. So is apathy. I argue dissociation is also an essential skill, but the American Psychological Association doesn’t agree.
It’s an ongoing struggle to be a positive influence, to be good when the oppertunity arises. The oppertunity is rarer than ever. Often the choice is between several evils.
It does not make one evil, to dwell in a land dominated by it. What dominates you is what you allow to. The mind is the last battlefield, the last area of rebellion.
Maybe someday it won’t be true any more, there will be complete subjegation without consent on the cognitive level. As of right now it’s junk science. You can hypnotize people, but only to a point. The same goes for coercing them. So far the brain is the undefeatable element of the individual human.
Which is actually my original reason for studying the mind. Not to help people, that’s BS. I mean, in a tertiery sort of way; I want to help people who are low on the social ladder break their chains.
Humans under stress though are the best expression of the undefeatable human mind. They don’t do as they are told, they sabotage their own work.
You take the stress away, or try to, then things get messed up.
Wait- what IS your true reason for studying psychology?
—
“Which is actually my original reason for studying the mind. Not to help people, that’s BS.”
At least you’re willing to admit to being evil/uncaring of others. SO many ppl I’ve met are so callous yet pretend they are SUCH good ppl. It’s truly sickening.
I’m kinda envious- I wish I could feel apathy. Instead, I feel so broken by the emotions that weigh me down, broken by all the hate and callousness of my fellow man. Oh to not feel such utter hate for this world and all the shitty ppl in it…