day

Taking it day at a time, I guess. Hour at a time. Minute at a time. It’s about all I can really manage right now. It’s all I’ve been able to manage for some time, I’d say. There’s that tiny, stupid little part of me that wonders, hopes for a light somewhere, despite everything being so dark and has been for so long. Hope for a relief, maybe. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive, but who’s to say. I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to experience it, or if I’ll live an ungodly amount of time here and feel just… like this the entire time. That I’ll never feel anything like this or be anything other than what I am. And that scares me a lot. I’m scared of anyone else seeing it. But for some stupid reason, I keep waking up every day, essentially doing nothing, though I guess that’s changing soon. But even then, it won’t really matter. Same thing, different font.

I think a lot about what’s brought me to this point, what I wasn’t capable of doing, what I probably should’ve done. “You made your bed, now lie in it” is a quote I think of often. I’ve heard various versions of this from my family and the world for as long as I remember, but it seems now I’m actually understanding it. I guess I’m lying in it now, I guess I got what I deserved. It feels that way, anyway. But comes the question as to whether I ever get out of it, or if I stay under this cold, weighted blanket of a bed. Or if I even can. Or if I even deserve to, or if I’ve earned it. All these stupid questions. Still, I keep carrying on a day at a time, and I certainly feel like I’m failing more often than succeeding even at that. I don’t even know why. Maybe I’m just stupid, maybe I’m too selfish, or too cowardly. Maybe I’m just taking a really stupid, almost desperate risk that very well could backfire if I’m a dumbass. I couldn’t tell ya, I really couldn’t. I have no idea what I’m doing, or what I’m even allowed to have, if anything. If I deserve any of it at all. If I can fix myself or if I broke myself and now I’m irreparable. But that stupid part of me will make sure I wake up tomorrow, making me face another day. I’ll keep trying, I guess.