hiking to oblivion

it’s very quiet at this coast, not a lot of people on friday. a few people jump from here every year or so, can’t say how many exactly because their deaths are not always reported, the accidental ones always are though, perhaps they’re more interesting? more valuable?

do you ever talk to someone and so harshly reminded that you’re an utterly inferior human? without them even trying? i go through that a lot. what you feel is what you manifest in the real world right?

reading about these people who “miraculously” survived isn’t very comforting, i believe they must hit rock much sooner and tumbled to the bottom so the impact wasn’t as hard. these cliffs are fragile, i worry that just by walking to the edge it’ll crumble. i’ll fall too soon and just end up paralysed at the bottom. although, i feel good knowing no one walks at the bottom of these, from what i saw. they would be stupid to do that, rocks fall every day and i heard some yesterday. so if i am alive at the bottom at least i’ll have plenty of time to die from my injuries (i always assumed that spinal injuries cause numbness, but apparently people experience the slightest touch to be painful after the trauma, i can only hope i faint quickly) without being interrupted. 250 metres (edit- this height wasn’t accurate at all, being extremely sleep deprived isn’t good when researching stuff like this, i want to be high enough for my limbs to explode) seems enough, not 100% guaranteed compared to the other one i’m thinking about, probably good enough. i guess it needs to be quick, should i literally jump instead of stepping off? that’s for me to think about, kind of insane to leap head first though. god i would do anything for a handgun to the temple rn. the ban is lame.

i’m sorry if you don’t like reading this, it helps me to share my thoughts.

i walked these cliffs right at sunset. it was beautiful, it’s been too long since i’ve seen them at the beach. and with that i saw the moon rise. before i turned back i was far away from any walkers so i tried to scream, because that’s what you do when you’re all alone right? i was out of breath so it sounded horrible haha. i didn’t expect the air to be so still at the top, i was expecting more wind. i walked past a lone woman having a picnic, she’s probably retired, if i retired i would love to spend my days like that.

i realised that i’m actually at the wrong edge, i need to drive further up the coast so there’s less walking and so i don’t need to trespass on a farm. i could only find this out by going in person so it was not a waste of time. i didn’t expect the waves to be quiet, i must have been higher than i thought. i tried peering over the edge but i felt too sick to even look properly, knowing myself i’d get dizzy and fall over lol. i hope i can cut to black in a couple of seconds (that’s how long the fall is). i wonder if my life will actually flash before my eyes, will i have forgotten the images that appear? will i fall in love with the visions of my life, and completely regret this choice right as my brain splatters? there’s no way to tell.

what i worry on my next visit is that if i do pass by a person (unlikely), that maybe they’ll know my intentions, because this is particular spot is considered to be “popular” with local jumpers. and what do i say then, i wouldn’t be able to speak. i can already imagine some rando stroking my arm in an attempt to comfort me, their unfamiliar breath i can smell as they try to wrap their arms around my back. their eyes stabbing mine. trying to seem like they give a damn, when really they don’t want to be blamed and questioned. i can only firmly push them off, and with that the sympathy would simply end. i don’t want to be defeated. i can’t be, for once.

i shouldn’t worry so  much though, it’s only in my head. where i live people are relatively happy, no one would think that.

i have been living in my head for what seems like forever, i develop stories and adventures with myself as the main character. life can never be as good as my day-dreams. i’ll say it again, if someone cracked my skull open and peered into my thoughts they would vomit at the sight of my life.

i feel myself getting closer to nothingness, but at any point i can choose to go back to my boring life, it is an option.

25/Nov

i walked to the edge a couple days ago, as close as i could get without risking the rock crumbling. i cried a bit. looked around to make sure no one could see. peered over as much as i could without getting too dizzy. i felt lightweight, relieved for a few seconds to make it here. i was disappointed to see there wasn’t much distance between me and the bottom, i got it very wrong. building are not an option for me, i don’t want any living soul close when i do this. i can’t disappoint myself this year again. maybe i will need to find a partner after all, i’m clearly incapable by myself.

i texted the only helpline that doesn’t infuriate me, “what makes life worth living” he called me back in a few minutes, not acknowledging the question. i didn’t persist with it, after all i think he’s the only one that could help me, pissing him off would devastate me. he asked what event happened in my life to feel this way, i say nothing happened, i just can’t live with being me. he doesn’t know how to respond, or what to say. after a while of fluffing he asks if he could speak to my mum to work out what to do, i already told him i don’t trust her and she doesn’t care about my suicidality. but there’s no one else is there? sorrow is wrapping tighter around my heart. he said i should call him back if i’ve decided to tell her. i can’t. every day she’s expressing her disappointment in me with insidious stares, i don’t reply. i wish my family loved me, not the labour i do, but WHO i am. they shouldn’t know. i think i would be happier if i stayed in my home country, i’d be bilingual and have much less anxiety. i’d be very poor and life would be rough, i hope in this life i’m more resilient. i’m dreaming again