I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.
The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness in my eyes was gone like I had dropped some invisible shield or something. I think people noticed this because they were more open with me. I didn’t understand when I was a kid but all these years, eye contact wasn’t only something done to intimidate like I thought so, eyes are also the “window to the soul” as they say and someone looking in, isn’t always looking for a weakness to exploit.
My life hasn’t been all that great over the past 9 years, I have nearly nothing to show for it besides my self-realization which I now realize is no small feat and it doesn’t show in my physical possessions but lately I’ve allowed people to look into my eyes and see my pain. I thought this would scare people away but I was wrong.
I haven’t flipped a switch, I’m not suddenly cured but I am noticing small changes in myself. Like when I’m having a panic attack in moments where nothing is logically wrong, I’m able to relax almost instantly, almost like there’s some kind of invisible force at play. I find myself smiling more and desiring a deeper connection with nature, it feels wrong to not touch the Earth or look up at the blue sky on any given day. Hardly anything stresses me out these days besides my father but even he’s unable to disturb my inner peace as much anymore.
I was expecting a dramatic finale to my avoidance to “the other” but to my pleasant surprise, the change is happening gradually and it’s calm. I don’t even notice it unless I remind myself to pause and remember where I started. I feel more powerful than ever before, but it doesn’t come from a place of tense anger. It feels steady and peaceful, almost like I’m able to vanquish my fears and anger with love.
I remember just a few months ago, some lady lashed out at me because I told her our movie theater was out of some snack she wanted. She kind of got dramatic about it and took it out on me, in the past I would’ve gotten tense but instead I just kind of smiled at her and told her everything was gonna be okay and that I’d find a way. To my surprise, this defused her.
I can’t transcend the ego but maybe it was never about transcending it, maybe it’s about learning to wield it instead of being wielded by it. Maybe it’s okay and even necessary to be vulnerable sometimes.
After all, it’s when I hit rock bottom that I found allies; a listening ear, a free ride, a meal, a hug, etc. It’s when I didn’t have my shields up that I found human connection. It’s these memories that help me overcome negative thoughts when I’m in the middle of chaos now.