I’m so insanely lonely and desperate, my mind is fixating once again on the last time someone seemed to really care about me. It was so long ago. I suppose it’s that she was the last person to give me a sense that she saw something really worthwhile in me. Like I was actually valuable. Like who I was had some significance, independent of the roles I play in the lives of others. Like she actually really liked me for me, and wanted to be close to me. I miss that feeling, so fucking much. I can’t imagine ever feeling it again.
And my mind clings to that memory. Like there has to be some way back, right? Some way to turn back the hands of time, over 20 years. Of course there isn’t. But there has to be, right? Because that feeling seems like the only meaningful thing, right now. If I could just go back, then maybe she could save me from doing this to myself. Somehow stop me from going down this path. Guide me back to the reality I should be living in, where all this is a bad dream.
Ok, so no time travel. But what if I somehow tracked her down in the present. What are the chances she could still see anything worth caring about in me? Slim to none. I’ve strayed so far from who I should’ve been. Crossed so many red lines, and just kept on walking. Let whatever potential for good that she saw in me go to ruin. That boy is long dead. And she’d already moved on long before I got to that point anyway. Buried whatever feelings she had and got on with life.
So, no one can save me from myself. No one can see what I am without being disgusted by it. I’m alone, and will always be alone, and will only become more so as the years pass, and the few people bound to me by blood die off.
Unless I can do something to let go of this longing for connection or somehow address it, I’m thinking maybe it’s time to start moving towards the exit. 6 months or so, spring or early summer. Time to “get my affairs in order”. It’s not that I want to, exactly. I’m still terrified. I’m still dragging my feet, putting it off, avoiding thinking about it. Hoping that something is going to come along and save me. But realistically, nothing is going to change, unless I can somehow drastically change my own mind. It’s only going to get worse. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be this anymore.