I don’t want to exist in this reality anymore. Being the bad guy in everyone else’s narrative… it gets old, you know?
I tell myself that I should stick around, on the off-chance that there’s some way to find peace. To be free of this despair. To possibly repent of my past. Or even just become someone capable of repenting. Just in case death isn’t the end.
But there’s probably nothing. And even if hell exists, there’s probably no way out now. I’m effectively already there, psychologically. I’m stuck in an endless self-reinforcing loop of despair, hatred, craving, resentment. I have no real hope. And I don’t really care about the suffering of others. Not really. Not enough to do anything.
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Well, not that my opinion means anything, but at least you feel guilty. I know TONS of ppl who are shitty and have done shitty evil things, like r*pe, and yet they STILL think they’re “good people.” At least you admit you’re not good. And at least you feel guilty enough that you’re tortured by it. Not that I want you to be tortured per se but at least you own up to your evil deeds and your evil thoughts. Which is more than I can say for most “good” ppl.
The ppl that irk me the most, that I hate the most, are the ones who do evil shit and yet pretend they are so damn awesome. To themselves and to the world.
not pretend- these ppl really DO think they are “good” people.
Maybe you have to start doing good deeds. It may never offset the bad deed you did, but maybe after 1000 good deads (or however many), maybe then you won’t feel so tortured. Yes I know, you’ve mentioned that you don’t really care to do good deeds, and maybe the first 100 good deeds won’t do anything, but I think eventually you might be less tortured after 1000 or however many good deeds.
I mean, the other route is to just go on full evil and no longer feel guilt. Most of the evil ppl out there are this. No guilt. Or very little guilt.
The 3rd route is death. Obviously you don’t want the “final solution.”
Not sure what other routes there are besides the 3-
-repent/turn a new leaf
-go full evil and not care
-end it all
I’d say why not try to repent and start doing good deeds? It won’t hurt would it? It would be forced in the beginning, but maybe after a bunch of them, you’d actually feel something for those less fortunate/whomever you help. Could be something as small as giving a hat or scarf to a homeless little girl to start (it’s getting really cold now). Or hell, even one cheeseburger. Doesn’t have to be anything major that you’d have to go out of your way for.
Not that I believe in religion, but have you gone to something like a confessional? What if you confessed everything while still being anonymous?
But I’m sure you’ve probably thought all this and you probably don’t want to confess or do any good deeds and you think it’s all futile so therefore you don’t do anything but fester in the same thoughts every day. Hell, maybe you have tried doing a few good deeds and you feel nothing. That’s probably why you think it’s futile.
“At least you feel guilty.”
I’d say it’s closer to shame than guilt. It’s mostly the awareness that it’s so socially unacceptable. Not that I don’t think it was wrong… but in a kind of complicated, disconnected way that it’s difficult to feel genuinely guilty about. I’m not sure to what extent there were negative consequences for others, and there’s probably no way for me to know. So I don’t have that clear sense of “because I did this, these people suffered in this way.” Which I think is probably necessary for real guilt. It’s more like an uneasy feeling of complicity.
“Maybe you have to start doing good deeds.”
Perhaps, but that requires energy, motivation, and resources, all of which I’m lacking. I’ve done my fair share of volunteer work in the past, and I can’t say it really made much of a difference. But then it was all fairly removed from seeing a real positive impact on the lives of others, so maybe that’s a factor. I can see if I was able to make enough of a difference to people’s lives, and see that difference, after a while I might find it easier to live with myself.
If I looked hard enough I could probably find a homeless person to give food to (I live in a rural area.) Though I think they usually prefer money. But I barely make enough to support myself, so that seems kind of dumb. And would require overcoming my crippling social anxiety. So yeah, it’s an issue of motivation/energy/resources. For something that feels like it’s unlikely to make a difference. Not saying you’re wrong in theory. It’s just that when I think about the required effort, I think I’d rather just be dead.
“the other route is to just go on full evil and no longer feel guilt.”
I think that would require me to entirely let go of ideals of who I’d like to be, or the life I want. And I’m not sure I’m capable of that. It would probably mean letting go of desire entirely. In which case I don’t think I’d even be evil. I wouldn’t want to do anything, either harmful or beneficial. Not saying it couldn’t happen, but it would need some kind of radical psychological break.
“have you gone to something like a confessional? What if you confessed everything while still being anonymous?”
I’ve told most of it to a couple of therapists. Can’t say it really changed anything. The shame was overwhelming, and there was nothing they could really say to give me any hope of moving on from it. Probably the worst I’ve ever felt.
“therefore you don’t do anything but fester in the same thoughts every day.”
Pretty much.
volunteering is kinda bullshi*t. i’m a bleeding heart emo person and even for me the volunteer terrible. i used to volunteer every weekend for about 3-6mo (bc bf was into padding his resume) so we did volunteer work every weekend. But I found out all the volunteer organizations were either inefficient or stupid and didn’t help what they claimed to help. So I stopped volunteering after that.
you’d have to do things on your own, like find someone to help and see the results immediately. in the city, there’s tons of homeless ppl. and even then certain homeless ppl will make u not want to help any homeless ppl- one time i gave a homeless person all my change- it was like $2 or $3 in change so it was a good amount. the guy looked at it and was like “that’s not enough” and stuck his hand out for more. i was so disgusted. i would have taken my change back and given it to another homeless person if not for the fact that i didn’t want to touch his gross hand to get my change back.
But there was another time a different homeless person was out there and i gave him a blanket and he was super apppreciative. also gave him some food. he had sat close to where my apt building was and i was moving anyway so i would have thrown most of these things out if i didn’t give them away. after a day or two, security threw him out (even though he was not on private property- he was in the bushes on the median or something). Anyway, something like that makes you feel good that you’re doing something. But I’ve had my fair share of helping homeless and certain types make you NOT want to help any of them. Which is a shame for the ones who are appreciative and could actually fix their lives if given a chance and a place to live.
i know ppl like you- ppl who don’t really feel guilt or shame or anything. they do things and not do things bc they know logically to follow social norms, even if they themselves don’t care or have no moral compass. or rather, they follow social norms and not do things that break the law bc they do not want to go to jail. But they do not have normal emotions or reservations like normal ppl. Yes, these ppl, such as yourself, are dangerous ppl, when they don’t have any moral qualms. The only thing stopping them are laws and the fear of consequences And they hide among the public and you’d never know who they were. They blend in and appear normal like everyone else. i had someone like that explain in detail to me what it’s like.
i wonder if you guys can sniff each other out. probably.
well at least you’re not full on evil. maybe that’s a little bit comforting? you know there’s another line, that if you cross it, you cannot go back. if you go full evil, you will no longer have your family- they will no longer hold you back from doing things that you’re not doing bc you want to be a part of normal society.
not that i believe in therapists- all the ones i’ve been to were crap- but just out of curiosity- what have they said to you? did they look at you in disgust afterward? and what was their remedy, advice, recommendation?
“i know ppl like you- ppl who don’t really feel guilt or shame or anything… they do not have normal emotions or reservations like normal ppl.”
I don’t think I’m a sociopath, if that’s what you’re getting at. It’s not that I don’t feel guilt/shame/empathy etc. It’s that when it comes to certain things, those emotions get over-ridden or overwhelmed by stronger conflicting emotions or impulses. It would be far easier to live with myself if I were that kind of person.
The two therapists I confessed to were perfectly professional about it, but then they knew about my issues before agreeing to treat me, so it wasn’t a shock. It wasn’t a question of disgust, though I didn’t go into the details too much. It was just professional detachment. Blank faces. Encouraging me to do breathing exercises through the distress and go to my “calm place” if it was getting too much. Neither really responded with much. I can’t fault them – there’s nothing really to say. Their recommendations were fairly generic – behavioural changes to weaken my problematic parts (which I inevitably failed to maintain long-term). Trying to build up social skills, in the hope that a more normal life would reduce such tendencies (which I never really got round to).
But there was nothing about how to deal with the shame, the despair. The desire to not exist with the reality of it. Because there’s nothing to say. So I left each session with utter hopelessness.
i never said you were a sociopath- and the ppl that i know/knew that didn’t have much emotions/guilt/etc- weren’t devoid of ALL emotion, feeling or guilt or everything- it was more like “muted”- like it was a LOT less than normal, to the point where they didn’t feel that much- if they lost ALL emotions and guilt then they’d be super dangerous and I wouldn’t be talking to them.
These ppl all KNOW what is right and wrong, what is legal and not legal. They don’t really have a strong moral compass on what is right and wrong, but won’t do anything illegal bc they don’t want the consequences.
There’s varying degrees of not having emotions and guilt and blurring the lines of right and wrong. Even criminals have varying degrees of what they’d do or not do, or the degree of guilt/conscience/feeling, etc.
Ppl have a black and white approach- someone is either “good” or “bad”, but reality is a spectrum. There’s varying degrees of “questionable” qualities.
And like I said earlier, not that I want you to be tormented, but bc you are, it shows that you DO have some level of shame/guilt/conscience/feeling etc. Otherwise, if you didn’t, you’d be a lost cause. You’d be really evil if you were. And you wouldn’t be on SP lamenting about it.
considering that most therapists can’t help most ppl with “regular” depression and “regular” issues, it’s not surprising they couldn’t help with your particular issue.
I wouldn’t say it’s that I have less emotion. Probably the opposite. I’m actually hypersensitive. It’s just that, as I said, in some circumstances the “socially appropriate” response gets drowned out by a stronger conflicting emotional reaction, and it’s not till after that subsides that I start to feel bad about what I’ve been thinking about/doing.
I agree of course that “moral sense” is on a spectrum, rather than all-or-nothing.
Yep, I wouldn’t really expect any therapist to be able to treat someone with my niche issues on top of chronic depression and extreme social anxiety/avoidance. The issues all feed on one another in a vicious cycle, and there’s no realistic way to make progress. I’d have needed far more motivation and drive than I’m capable of mustering to make a real change. I needed hope, and that wasn’t something anyone could’ve given me.
So, I don’t entirely know for sure what you’ve done or what you did to cause this, but based off of skimming your previous posts it seems to refer to childhood bullying
The bad news is that you can’t fix it, or undo it
The good news is that you’ve grown as a person and recognize your mistakes
Nobody is inherently good or evil. We’re products of our environments and what we’ve learned. And when you’re young, that also means you’re very stupid, which is a bad combo
I did something similar when I was young. An edgy, tired, terminally angry 7th grader. I teased a kid who didn’t deserve it. He very likely doesn’t remember, but I still feel bad about it. But what’s done is done. What are you supposed to do about it?
Forgive yourself. It sounds absurd, it did to me as well, but it’s one of the better options when it comes to guilt. You have grown as a person, enough to recognize what you did was wrong. And maybe whoever you wronged won’t forgive you. That’s their choice. But there’s an old PSA, it used to be lost media but it was recently discovered, that’s stuck in my head because of it’s catchy tune.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2_ERDebyIY
Hate hurts you.
When your past, younger self was being a bad person to someone else, you were hurting yourself too. While you can’t force the people who you wronged to forgive you, you *can* forgive your past self for hurting yourself and causing pain to yourself and others. Recognize that you weren’t a great person. Recognize that you caused pain. And then… forgive yourself. Let it go.
We don’t have to be defined by our worst moments. The people we were many years ago don’t have to be emblematic of the people we are today. A butterfly is not defined by its time as a caterpillar.
And if you find it hard to forgive yourself, here are a few things you can do to help. You can try and reach out to whomever you’d hurt in the past and apologize. They may not forgive you, but atleast it will be known that the person who caused them pain no longer exists. Try and help the people around you, make them smile, or even just perform little acts of kindness like holding the door open for someone. If you can’t forgive yourself easily, atleast try to make yourself someone worth forgiving
I hope this doesn’t come across as “preachy,” I’m just sharing my thoughts since this is something I’ve gone through myself. While I’m not suicidal and never have been, I do know this stuff can be very tough to deal with, and I hope you may find peace regarding it soon, whichever form that takes