DISCLAIMER: Sensitive material ahead! Please do not read if you would find it triggering to read about darker urges, including but not limited to sexual content or violence. Read at your own discretion only.

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So, one of the things I see a therapist for are paraphilias. You see, I once traveled to Kentucky so I could attend something called Scarefest. Various actors and actress from horror movies were there, and you could pay to meet them and get your picture taken. When I attended, the biggest actors were Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich from the original Scream movie from the 90’s. There were all kinds of vendors selling collectable things too. Horror video games, fake body parts, paintings, pokemon cards, and you could even get tattoos.

One of the vendors was selling actual human remains. Skeletons and individual bones, like ribs or a pelvis. And it sort of fascinated me that I could just legally purchase someone’s remains. The thought hadn’t occurred to me before, bc usually when I thought of death I thought of coffins and burials. My fascination got the better of me and after some haggling, I bought a human heel bone from the vendor for $30 (I actually wanted a spine vertebrae but it was WAY too damn expensive. And In case you’re wondering, these bones come from donors or unidentified deaths. Medical cadavers and bones used for anatomical education.)

For a while after that, I was like Gollum and the Ring. I just couldn’t put the heel bone down. I had part of someone. I possessed someone. And something about that gave me energy that I didn’t anticipate.

I won’t get into too much detail, but I’ve developed Osteophilia from it. A sexual gravitation to bones and skeletons specifically. There’s a website where you can purchase actual human skeletons and bones and have them shipped to your house, and over time I’ve built up a collection. I keep them in a safe, and I keep the keys hidden.

I have violent daydreams sometimes though, and an unfortunate consequence of the Osteophilia is that my violent daydreams are becoming intermingled with sexual ones sometimes. Because if I daydream about ending someone, I inevitably also think of their bones. And that’s why I see a therapist, this and a second paraphilia, which some of you may already know about.

My therapist thinks that the possession aspect of it all has to do with a core struggle with loneliness, which I suppose is true to some extent.

I wanted to share this though because I know some of you have expressed struggling with taboo things as well. A large part of my own suicidal ideation come from realizing how sick I am. Sometimes it feels impossible to be like everyone else, to fit in. And it should be alright to talk about these things, bc the more we speak about it the less power it will have over us. Or at least, that’s what I’m told.