I’m miserable, in a way I don’t think I can change. And it’s not even that I “want” to kill myself. I’m terrified of death. But it feels like on some level I “should”. And that should is confusing.
It’s not so much moral. Though there’s certainly an argument that I pose a danger to others, sick as I am, I think I’ve pretty effectively isolated myself from negatively effecting anyone. Unless I somehow became actually psychotic and lost all grip on reality, I don’t see that changing.
And in terms of just weighing up the consequences of killing myself, it’s hard to persuade myself it’d be positive. Pretty sure it would devastate my parents, and severely hamper their ability to cope with the remainder of their lives. Think it would probably send my sister into depression, which could have knock on effects on my young nephew. Miserable as I am (and anticipate being for the remainder of my life), I’m not convinced ending that pain would justify the pain & disruption to those unfortunate enough to care about me.
So it’s not so much a moral “should”. But… I have this near constant awareness that a meaningful life is beyond my grasp. For reasons hinted at in previous posts, I feel unable to form meaningful connections with people. And I can’t see any way around that. And without the possibility of that, life just seems empty. There’s no high that’s ecstatic enough to fill that emptiness, no sunrise beautiful enough. When I resign myself to being alone, it all just seems… cold. I don’t care, about any of it. I’ve spent so much time & energy on desperate displacement activities, telling myself that if I just develop this skill or cultivate this interest then things will finally feel meaningful again. But it’s all hollow.
And the only response I can think of to that realisation is that I shouldn’t exist. Why? Why not just be miserable, like so many others? I suppose I just don’t know how to reconcile myself to that. The thought of it makes my skin crawl. Possibly it’s this delusional idealist, trapped deep in my subconscious. The idea of just accepting misery… no. Fuck you. Fuck reality. Fuck morality. Fuck survival instinct, and fear, and everything else holding me back. Which is childish and delusional. The reality is that I’ll continue to be miserable, desperately clinging on to life until it’s ripped from my fingers.
6 comments
In the most empathetic way I cam express it, I do understand, and I wish I could give you relief. In whatever way that looks like.
I cannot though. But there are places like Oregon or Amsterdam…if you’re not up to things yourself, that is.
I feel similarly. I’m not sure if I’m able to obtain a happy life anymore. I tell myself that I’m willing to suffer for the sake of others (and…I am…) but the truth is that it’s very difficult to keep going.
The sad part is, I believe you and I couldve been friends if we had met face to face. Sometimes, I wish we could ALL meet. Maybe we’d actually have fun together.
I get it, though. I do.
I plan on obtaining my own methods (though I doubt I’ll ever use them) , so I shouldn’t need to travel anywhere. I want that peace of mind to know I can just end it if the need feels pressing.
When I see my parents every few weeks I’m reminded how terrible it would be for them if I actually went through with it, and I feel more willing to suffer to prevent that. But the longer I go without seeing them, the less real that potential pain seems in my mind, and the question of what I’m doing here grows more persistent.
I’m extremely socially avoidant, so I’m pretty terrible at making friends. I think I generally don’t make a good first impression face to face. Probably I’d come across as aloof and disinterested (or just weird and irritating.) But maybe 🙂
I’d be honest, there’s a bunch of other stuff I’d assume. Another take out of however many there would be but I’m surprised, you’ve seemingly been paused in time when it comes to things meanwhile I could say that the world around you probably hasn’t been in comparison. Has nothing changed really? Either for better or worse, it may just be me with a somewhat volatile environment at the moment, but a lot of things seem to change with each day. Things flip around so much it’s hard to predict the future for just about anything, many assumptions have sense to them but obviously no one can predict where the economy is going with 100% accuracy, and that’s a system which, although reliant on the choices of individual actors and systems, is still based on some form of metrics and numbers. It gets much more tricky when you no longer have those to say the least.
I’m wishing you luck here, what you handle is quite different from my own affairs. Best advice I could give is to keep thinking if anything, there’s potentially other questions you haven’t thought of yet.
Yes, I think my issues largely remain the same, regardless of world events. Not to say that I’m not effected by economic issues, I very much am, but they’re secondary for me. I could have a secure career in a stable economy and I would still be just as mentally/emotionally fucked. I’m scared by the ongoing disintegration of the global order. But my own order disintegrated a long time ago.
I still recommend finding a way to avoid being found, if you cannot deal with continuing in this world. It seems like a lot of the worst consequences come from people finding that a person has killed themselves. If they can’t find that evidence, maybe some of those consequences can be avoided.
I’d drop some hints about skipping the country or going off grid, then dissappear. Let people assume the wrong thing. Let them imagine you’re off having some adventure, then maybe they wouldn’t be sad.
I don’t know, these are my ideas about avoiding knock on effects.
I think that would just make my family worried sick. Which I’m not sure is any better. Cutting all contact would be highly out of character for me. I imagine they’d dedicate a huge amount of time and energy to trying to find out what happened.