As I’ve previously mentioned, a big part of my depression/despair is the lack of any kind of connection or intimate relationship. I fall asleep longing for it, wake up the same, and spend most of the day trying not to think about it.
And one of the main reasons I’m not actively working to find that is there’s things about myself that I know I could never be honest with a prospective partner about, that I know would almost universally be a deal-breaker. Even if there was someone out there crazy/desperate enough to accept these parts of me, I know I couldn’t risk confessing to 100 women, on the off-chance of finding that 1. This is stuff that could severely threaten my life if it got out, that I wouldn’t expect people to keep to themselves.
So, I don’t think I can be honest with any prospective partners. Which leaves me wondering if there’s any ethical way to find intimacy? If I know that the person wouldn’t want to be with me, and would likely be disgusted if they knew the truth, am I violating their consent by withholding that information?
I’m not even just talking about in long-term relationships, where the person has invested a lot of trust and emotion in you being a decent person. But even with a one-night-stand, if you know the person wouldn’t want to do it if they knew the truth, is that a violation of consent? And if so, is it a serious one? Is it effectively r*pe by deception?
I’ve heard about cases of undercover police officers who’ve had relationships with members of the protest groups they were infiltrating, and the women feeling incredibly violated afterwards. Now obviously, in those cases the officers were using those relationships to manipulate the women and work against their activism, so that adds extra layers. But there does seem to be something morally questionable about involving yourself with someone in that way when you know they wouldn’t consent if they knew the truth. And I don’t want to wrong someone more that I have in the past, especially not someone I like or feel close to. I don’t want to feel like I’m using/exploiting people in a way that’s not ok.
But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life without any kind of intimacy or physical touch. I don’t think I can reconcile myself to that kind of monastic existence – I don’t believe in God, or a higher power. I need real, physical closeness. To be held.
I need to somehow resolve this in my mind. Either figure out some acceptable way to seek intimacy, or somehow let go of that longing so completely that it’s no longer in my mind. And that seems like a pretty massive thing to reconcile yourself to. Spending the rest of your life utterly alone, completely untouched. But I have to either somehow move forward, or move on. I can’t be caught in this state of longing anymore. It has to be resolved, somehow.
6 comments
I won’t ask what your secret dealbreaker is, but I’m wondering is it something that you are trying to change about yourself? If yes, then it’s not necessarily deception if you neglect to mention it up front. For example, I have suicidal depression which has destroyed nearly every relationship I’ve had. But it’s something I’m working hard to fix, and I’d like to think I’m at least getting better at shielding others from it. So it’s something I keep to myself when meeting new people.
But if it’s something you can’t change, for example an STD, or if it’s something you don’t want to change, for example your political views, and you know that the other person wouldn’t accept you if they knew about it, then I think it’s definitely deception and/or manipulation if you keep this vital info from the other person.
A 3rd grey area is if it’s something that you don’t plan to change but you might for the right reason. For example smoking, drinking or drugs. I do drugs sometimes and I don’t plan to quit. But if I get into a serious relationship I might quit, for the sake of a healthy relationship. In that case I don’t think it’s necessary to divulge everything (unless the person upfront tells says “btw I hate drug users”).
In all 3 cases, it’s sorta like let your conscience be your guide. And I mean really listen to your conscience.
If this leads you to the conclusion that you cannot in good faith begin a serious relationship, well then there’s truly no shame in being solo. That’s kinda where I am. Truth be told, my suicidal depression really is unfixable, so I’ve written of relationships.
So there’s stuff I’ve done in the past which I know on its own would be a dealbreaker for pretty much anyone, which obviously I can’t change. And then related to that there’s thoughts/feelings that I currently experience, which would also be a dealbreaker. I’d say that I am somewhat trying to at least moderate that part of myself, but I doubt it’ll ever be entirely gone.
It’s not something that can physically impact someone like an STD, but I could see it being pretty emotionally devastating if the truth ever came out. So I agree that it’s deceptive if I enter into a long-term relationship while withholding that info from them, knowing they wouldn’t be able to accept it.
One potential work-around I thought of was warning anyone if things ever got serious that there were things about me that they wouldn’t be able to accept, that I couldn’t tell them. But I’m not sure if that really makes it any better, if for whatever reason they decide to settle for that?
I also don’t know if the same logic applies to hook-ups/casual relationships? Like if I know that a person wouldn’t want to sleep with me if they knew this thing, is it seriously wrong to withhold that info and sleep with them anyway?
I think I’m kind of morally compromised, so I don’t really trust my conscience. On the one hand I’ve clearly done things that most others consider completely unacceptable, and on the other I tend to overthink things.
No shame in being solo, but it kind of sucks if that’s not what you want.
It’s human nature to have secrets, and I have tons that I’ve never told anyone (and I’m middle-aged). Granted, I’m on the sociopath spectrum, so feeling much guilt isn’t an issue for me (that doesn’t mean I’m proud either though), but I’ve never physically harmed anyone or anything remotely like that. Not having the slightest idea what your issue is makes it impossible to form a coherent opinion on the matter, but that said, I’m going to assume there’s no criminal record involved, because that’s public information and you basically have no way out of that, sorry. Getting back to human nature: why can’t you just bury whatever this thing is deep inside, if having a relationship is so important to you? I *really* don’t get your one night stand point: why on earth would you even want to share anything personal at all to basically a total stranger, let alone some dark secret? I have relatives who never talked about the wars they’ve been in, knowing that they must have gone through really bad shit, but still lived productive lives keeping things bottled up inside afterwards. I knew special forces guys when I was in the Army, and they couldn’t even tell their wives anything, even where they’ve been. There are way worse things we humans do to each other than keep a secret or two. Everyone makes mistakes or does something really stupid sometimes (what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas), so honestly, I don’t see why you’re torturing yourself over this. Just pretend it’s a state secret.
To add a small bit of context, the stuff in my past was definitely criminal, but I was never caught.
With one night stands, I suppose the point is not so much keeping secrets, but if you know the person wouldn’t want to if they knew this thing, their consent seems somewhat compromised? It’s really hard to think of a parallel but.. I don’t know, suppose someone concealed their gender from you before engaging in some sex act, in a way that you probably wouldn’t realise, knowing that you wouldn’t be interested if you knew? Do you think that’s ok to do?
Or suppose someone says they’re only interested in having sex if it leads to a long term relationship, and the other person takes advantage of that with no intention of getting involved in one? There seems to be something wrong with having sex with someone when you know they wouldn’t consent if they knew the truth?
But I’m not sure how wrong that is, if it is. I’m afraid of wronging someone in a major way, but it may also be my socially avoidant side finding an excuse to not pursue what I want.
Well, that gives me some sense of where you are. I minored in philosophy and still read a lot in that area (anti-natalism and existentialism mostly), so I appreciate your philosophical view on this. I did illegal and rather stupid stuff too when I was young (esp between the ages of 10 and 19) and was never caught, but thankfully I realized that jail wouldn’t suit me and mostly stopped since then. I’ve done illegal things since then, but with virtually zero chance of getting caught and “victimless” basically. I just don’t have total control over this, and didn’t understand why until like 10 or 12 years ago. I can sum up my life by the Type O Negative song “I Don’t Want to Be Me” lol. I should add that I’ve been completely single for over 7 years by choice. I did do some online dating right after Covid, but it convinced me even more that I’m better off not being with anyone, so I took up skydiving instead. Less stressful. So although I don’t feel the same way you do, I have a sense of where you are.
I wish I had the patience to read much philosophy, rather than generally relying on youtube summaries to try and get the gist. Anti-natalism is interesting though, I did read one of David Benetar’s books. Wasn’t totally convinced by the asymmetry idea, but very few figures treat suffering as seriously as he does (what I’ve read/heard of Schopenhauer also seems pretty good on that.)
Sure a lot of people on this site can relate to that song, definitely find myself thinking that on a regular basis.