What happened to you? What I mean to ask is, are there things that happened to you that may be the root cause of your troubles? The Main issues?
For me, I had a mother who loved me the best she could but often tried to kill herself. My father also (i believe) loved me the best he could, although he violent. He hit us, broke our things as punishment, yelled at the top of his lungs even in public, and spent a lot of time on his own when he was calm. I grew up afraid of my father, and wherever my mom made an attempt to off herself, we would be left alone with him. I stood up to my dad one day out of frustration, but I mustve only been about 9 at the time and it ended poorly.
I spent a lot of time alone as a kid, and didnt attempt much to make or keep friends. Ive been that way most of my life, even now in my 30s.
My life is on me, and by no means do I blame anyone other than myself for where Im at now. At the same time, I think things wouldve been easier if I had parents that had been a little more loving and attentive.
My mother is in the psych ward again and I guess Ive just been thinking about things. Her own father was horrible to her and I dont necessarily fault her for anything.
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There are layers, but the top layer would be that I’m highly intelligent and have learning disabilities. It’s as though I got a portion of a high functioning brain, along with some really bad wiring. My executive function, as an example is really screwed up. No one has been able to tell me when or why. The wiring between my brain and hands is also screwed up, again, no answer as to how that happened.
So I’ve got all this aptitude trying to get out behind some really screwed up stuff, I don’t even have a bad family in the traditional sense to excuse it. I do have enough addiction in my family to worry about that, but never experienced it first hand.
I’ve spent my whole life being “fixed.” That’s what screwed me up. Hopping schools, going from specialist to specialist, everyone’s got a different idea what’s wrong with me. I spent a solid three or four years being really ticked off at the phrase “what do you want?” because when I finally did get an idea, they didn’t help me get it.
This has been my life, I don’t trust authority figures. My strongest desire is to tear it all down, but there aren’t any others like me. The closest I found are racists and jerks. Now I just want to climb into a hole and be left alone.
I’ve helped so many people, no one ever says thank you. I feel cursed, to understand and not be understood.
It’s just who I am. Not something I can stop. Tending and looking after people is all I’ve ever done, all I’ll ever do. It screws people up, I meet others, they’re screwed up too. Humanity needs us, and we need humanity to look after.
That’s awful to grow up with an abusive violent father and suicidal mother, it’s like you didn’t stand a chance. I think a lot of us who end up here (suicidal) are broken right out of the gate. It’s just like someone taking a club to a horse’s leg, even if the leg doesn’t shatter outright there are hairline fractures that will eventually destroy the horse before getting to the finish line. I count myself as one of those.
While my childhood wasn’t as disastrous as yours, I still picked up all my fatal flaws at an early age from parents who themselves are very broken. This is the big reason why I’m against having children, I’ll be damned if I ever pass this shit onto an innocent newborn, whether genetically or behaviorally (likely both).
But to answer the question, despite having the deck stacked against me I think I had a real chance at not only finishing the race but with flying colors… but that’s where randomness/fate stepped in with that club and finished the job.
I won’t get into exactly what it was because, well, that would be an entire autobiography. But yeah I can definitely trace my tragic downfall to one specific horrible traumatic event that killed this horse.
Thank you, both, for being brave enough to share. I can empathize with the frustration of being surrounded by people who expect too much and explain too little, and also with the desire not to pass anything down or continue the cycle. I acknowledge you, and I AM grateful, and I do thank you.