It’s hard not to be consumed by hatred, when you’re in pain, and don’t know how to stop it. There’s this part of me that just wants to hurt people, I suppose to have some external outlet for that pain. Or maybe to make them as miserable as me, since misery loves company. Then maybe I won’t feel so alone. Perhaps that’s the delusional logic.
And there’s no justification for that. I’m in this situation because of decisions I made. Other people certainly helped me to get here, but I was as free as anyone can be to choose a better path. So I can blame myself. Or I can blame the chain of cause and effect that made me this way. But I have no real cause for resentment against other people.
But I do resent them. Anyone who doesn’t have to deal with the reality I live in. Anyone who has hope, or meaning, or connection, or anything worth living for. Anyone who isn’t in this kind of pain.
And I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to be angry, or hateful. And I don’t want to be in pain. But I don’t know how to make it stop. I can take sleeping pills, to make me drowsy. But they make me feel worse the next day. That’s it. Nothing else seems to make a difference.
I feel like in reality, death is the only thing that will make this stop.
4 comments
Please, I beg you. Read this with attention.
I get it. I felt the exact same way as you. I am someone who actually gave in to those feelings, and went to prison for it.
Revenge felt great in the moment, but in the long run…it really fucked up my life.
Listen, and understand: in this society, you cannot hurt others without hurting yourself at the same time.
I live with an insurmountable regret. The weight is heavy, and there isnt much I can do to remove it. I can hardly find places that will allow me rent an apartment. Its hard to find work, and the work I do find doesnt pay well. Socially, nobody wants to be friends.
Please. Reconsider. Dont be like me. If you have your freedom, keep it. Cherish it. I wish I had what you do.
Hatred is a poison.
Don’t worry, it’s not something I’m ever going to act on. I don’t have the motivation in me, the drive to actually hurt people. Too much effort, when logically I know it won’t make anything better.
I’m just expressing feelings here as a way to try cope with them. Because it’s horrible, feeling this way. Feeling that kind of blind resentment, with no way to get it out. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to be in my head.
I deal with a lot of hatred as well, there’s just new crops of it, redirect, new crops. I have to plow mine under, try to find new places to hide it or direct it.
I don’t know how successful I am actually. It’s a balancing act I’m always on the verge of losing.
Instead I focus on today, that I haven’t lost for now.