I feel like I’m trapped on an island.
I’m waiting on a company to contact me with further instructions after I was hired by them. I was asked to take a drug test, authorize a background check, and get a physical examination.
I know I passed the drug test because I don’t do drugs and haven’t drank in months, I definitely passed the physical examination but it’s the background check that’s worrying me.
I have 2 DUI’s that I didn’t mention during the interview, hoping that the company wouldn’t find out. I don’t believe my DUI’s define me but my opinion is just that, my opinion.
The job isn’t some highly prestigious position but the pay is pretty decent for a position that only requires a high school diploma. If I start working there, I’ll be making $21 an hour with plenty of overtime available and an excellent benefits package that I’m eligible for from day 1.
I suppose the job itself can be dangerous so perhaps that’s why they pay more and I’m told I’ll be working in a HOT environment which doesn’t surprise me because this place makes rebar for buildings. Arizona is already hot and to be working with hot metals will just make it even hotter.
I’m not too worried about the background check though because according to plenty of people who work in these fields, alcoholism is pretty common among their employees. People in construction are always joking about their drinking behaviors. I’d never dare to drink on the job at this place because we’re not just flipping burgers here. If one comes to work drunk at this place, they risk falling from great heights, stepping on sharp metals or touching some extremely hot metals.
On top of this, the place has Narcan onsite in case someone overdoses on Fentanyl.
But right now, I’m still just waiting to hear from them again. I was told I may not start on the start date they gave me. Tomorrow is the original start date but I guess unless I hear from them tonight, or early tomorrow, I won’t be starting until the next training session.
It just sucks because I hate not having a source of income. I want to apply at one of these nearby fast food places or some sit-down restaurant in case this this company tells me they decided not to move forward with me. The thought that I’ve wasted this much time would sting. But I also don’t want to get hired at one of these local restaurants if I’m only gonna be there for a few days or weeks. There’s no guarantees in life and I’m aware of my limitations given that I don’t have car anymore. If I get a job in the meantime, that may mean that I get some spending money while I wait but that also means that if this company moves forward with me, that I gotta burn down another bridge that I just built.
I really want to change my life this year. I was trying to do part time work so that I could take a more balanced approach to working on myself because it’s not just my finances that suck, it’s pretty much everything: My general health, my finances, my intelligence, my me emotional health, etc.
I’m behind in so many ways! People tell me not to compare myself and I know it’s an egotistical trap to do so but I can’t help it! I’m pretty much on the Walter White route. If I don’t change things now, I’ll end up like him with a quiet desperation burning inside me. At least Walter White was able to afford a home though. Not saying I aspire to be some crazy meth cook lol but my point is that I feel like him sometimes. I feel like I have never really put myself first. People say alcoholism is selfish and I can understand their point of view but it’s really not. Alcoholism doesn’t do anything good for anyone. It may look like the alcoholic is having a good time destroying their life but what’s selfish about that?
I guess the only selfish thing about that is that their loved ones are trying to support them while they’re trying to commit a slow suicide so they end up supporting their alcoholism unintentionally.
I don’t expect people to give me another chance. I expect people to think I’m some lost cause but there just has to be someway for me to redeem myself. I’m tempted to offer a month or two of free labor in the form of an internship just to prove I’m not who I used to be.
So my biggest hurdle is my track record. People just don’t understand me. They take a look at my past and judge the current me so harshly when I’ve never been more stable than I am now.
Psychology, science, my existential crisis, all of that helped me find myself. I’m at the point where I’ve found myself and I just want to move on with my life. Finding myself was so messy but that’s just how it manifested in my life, it’s not me.