Essentially that’s all this is, which I think is why I don’t utilize this place as much as I once did. Sorry in advance.
I’m quitting my job, Friday being my last day. Me? Lazy, not committed to anything, slow and too okay with being burdensome, quitting? Who would’ve guessed, huh? I really just can’t handle the intensity of the place. I like the residents, I like helping, but I’m not capable of doing what they seem to want me to be able to do. 4 or 5 12 hour shifts make me want to die. A big portion of the people I do work with think I’m an idiot. Slow as all hell. Need too much help and it annoys them. And I get it. I’m pretty short and can’t lift a big portion of people by myself. I’ve managed, ofc, I’m good at brunt work. But I am by no means worried about anyone being w/o the extra hands, they make it pretty clear they can and do just fine, if not better w/o me. I’m not good at being around the near dead. I hate admitting that, just like while I hate watching people in pain I don’t really know what to… do, I guess. I hate it for them. But, admittedly, I’m quitting for selfish reasons. Friend’s family I’m living with think I’m burnt out. I think it’s pretty sad on my part if I can be burnt out on my first job in barely 4 months. Every time my phone rings my heart jumps because I think it’s work calling. Anymore it’s nothing serious, especially since I’m gonna be gone very soon, but still.
Of course I’m going to be looking elsewhere to work, and I know I’m very lucky to be where I’m at considering said situation. I know I don’t really deserve it. I don’t deserve anything I have tbh. I’m not stupid. Well, maybe I am, but not about this.
My mom’s been texting me nonstop. I had a conversation with her the other day, and it was just the usual. Money I don’t really have to spare. She has no one, her now ex husband (ex stepdad ig) is in another state and while they were I guess trying to make shit work he’s feeling pretty good where he’s at with his family. Seen that a mile away, honestly, and knew in May when I had to move that was the end of them. She’s been begging every other week since I’ve been down here for things I don’t have. But now she quite literally has no one. Just me, and I’m doing a shitty job keeping up my end. I don’t even have an actual way to transfer what I have to her anyway. She told me about how she’s been living off ketchup packets from a gas station, soaked and half frozen to death because the weather’s been shit. I know she thinks I hate her, and I know she thinks I’m okay with her suffering. I’m not, I’m truly not, but I don’t know what to do. Friend’s mom gets agitated every time it’s brought up, doesn’t want me to get involved with it. Am I just supposed to leave her out on the streets? What kind of kid does that to their parent? Why am I doing so now? I wish she’d tell me where she’s at. I know she’s had a very hard life. I know I’m doing nothing to ease it for her. What am I doing, living with myself.
Every day is another day I prove to the world and myself that I’m better off dead. I have the ability to drive off anytime I want – drive off and not come back. Bring what I need, if anything. A lot of times I think of just crashing in the damn thing. But just far from here. So far away I can’t hurt anyone. Almost did, on impulse 2 weeks ago today. Had the stuff and everything. Well, at least what I thought would work. Good friend talked me out of it though. I hope it’s not something I’ll make them one day regret doing. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good friend lately, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sure I’d be told not to be, but that’s just me I guess. They’ve helped me a shit ton. Honestly the only reason I’ve not gone completely off the rails.
Just the same mind-numbing bullshit that keeps me awake for longer than I need. I know if it drives me crazy it’s gotta drive the people around me nuts too. I don’t like this thing I’ve become. “Become”, as if I’ve not been this for all my life. The parasite in me prevails. Always does. And yet I wake up anyway. I guess I’m doing my part in making sure I rot in this room as much as possible, trying to isolate myself from the waking world. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever changes.
I’m sorry
1 comment
You’re correct about not worrying how the work will continue without you. Never fret about work. I stopped at about 25. One is there to get paid and thats it.