?

why do i feel so miserable when i talk to someone who’s supposed to make me feel loved and cared for? i’m actually asking, i’m so serious lol. like, i guess i’m just not happy with him, that i can understand. i just don’t feel like leaving is an option. i feel so guilty for even thinking about breaking it off, it’ so so weird honestly. it almost feels like i can’t.
writing it out makes me realize how dumb that sounds, but i really do have my reasons to feel that way. a friend of mine kinda made me feel pressured to not hurt him from the start, and now i feel like if i do break things off, it’ll make things spiral.
here’s the thing though. i don’t want to feel miserable. like, at this point, i struggle more when i’m with him than when i’m by myself. and i don’t have a great time with myself lol. i’m really so unsure about everything, it really is a curse to not want to hurt others, even if that’s at my expense. it’s so dumb honestly, i’m well aware that it’s immensely unhealthy and only brings me more and more pain. but even then. i just can’t will myself into not caring about how others would feel. it almost makes me feel like it’ll make me the worst person in the universe, which is ridiculous and just simply not true. just goes to show how irrational my brain can be sometimes i guess.
honestly i’m so unhappy it’s not even funny. like i can’t bring myself to make a joke about it. and i’m keeping myself this way, it’s completely my fault. maybe i just have terrible judgement for relationships. that’s what i’ve been told before, so maybe there’s some truth to it.
i don’t know what else to tell myself so i can finally step up and advocate for myself, for my well-being and my comfort. i really don’t lol. it’s so frustrating, it kinda hurts to breathe. and it makes me so angry to think that it really is all my fault because i’m the one who’s not doing anything to change. no amount of talking it over and asking for someone to put in more effort, like asking how i feel and actually at least make it seem like they’re interested is not gonna change anything. i’ve seen it before.
it feels a bit like i’m being guilt-tripped to stay in some way. every time i try to talk about how i’m feeling, if it’s not a positive emotion, he starts talking about how he’s going to start crying, how he swears he’s trying his best, how he’s having a hard time, how he’s sorry but xyz. i told him, i don’t like apologies that are immediately followed by a ‘but’. it makes it seem like it’s just being said to say you apologized. i don’t know if that’s right though. i might just be looking for excuses myself. maybe it’s not any type of manipulation, maybe it’s how people resolve their conflicts, maybe i’m being unfair.
but what if i’m not? is it worth it?