to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
long time no post!!!
i always randomly remember i have this account right when i need it. a whole lot has happened since the last time i posted anything, and honestly it hasn’t been too bad; bearable, i’d say. obviously, there’s many times i wanna sleep forever (guess who still isn’t able to sleep properly!!!!) but on may of last year i started going to university, so i don’t have much time to do anything basically. it’s definitely been an experience and i’m mostly happy about it; i feel like i chose something i could be good at. i just fear that everything that has happened won’t ever let me rest, let’s say. i don’t know how to explain it.
i’m scared, honestly. i don’t want to be alone again, but i feel like i am… and i don’t know how to feel about that lol. i read my previous posts and they sound really dramatic, though it’s like i conveyed what i was feeling at the time very well; i was able remember most of the things i said after reading them, and very vividly. i suppose i’m not too bad at writing! that’s a relief since what i’m studying has a little bit to do with that? headaches are still going strong, but i’m thinking about talking to someone about everything; my thoughts are getting exhausting
i haven´t been here for over a year, and i really need to empty my brain, so here´s a bit of the mess that´s going on in my head
i tried to hide it more, so they wouldn´t notice. I guess I got too good at hiding it because now she thinks i´m doing so much better. And maybe I am, but it doesn´t really feel like it. I feel like soon i´ll break; and I don´t know if I can or want to stop it. Today she said, “I think you´re doing much better now. Do you still think you need to see a therapist?”. i want to, but last time i panicked when they asked if i´d ever experienced anything sexual with others. i was ashamed, so I lied. I guess a part of me thought they´d say it wasn´t a big deal. I lied so much that time. So it´s no wonder they said I seemed alright. I just wasted their time, like I normally do.
i don´t think she remembers what happened all those years ago. She probably doesn´t. but why do I have to remember? Seems a bit unfair, but whatever. Lately i´ve found myself spending more time in fictional worlds than the real one, which isn´t really surprising, but it´s a bit worrying.
i feel like everyone is moving forward, doing better and being happy. Everyone but me. I feel stuck in the past, like the me today is with the me from around 13 years ago. It´s disorientating, to say the least. I´ve been trying to keep my mind busy, doing something all the time, but it may be making things worse, because I know i´m just ignoring the problem, and I know it´s gonna blow up in my face sooner or later. At this point in my life, all I want is to disappear. It doesn´t even have to be death, I just want to go somewhere far away, where I don´t have to worry about anything. I want the peace of mind that was taken away from me that day. The day I said yes, and thinking nothing bad was going to happen. The day I technically gave consent but was like 7 years old so I obviously couldn´t give consent to anything of that sort. Sadly, that took a lot of time to get to terms with. i´ve been blaming myself for a while. However, I realized that it´s not my fault. And i´m so glad I did. Better late than never, huh?
Will I ever let it go? Am I being annoying? Am I just being dramatic? Others have it worse. Maybe me being upset about it is stupid and I shouldn´t be. I don´t know.
i´m so tired. So tired of everything. But as always, I won´t do anything. Because I want others to be happy. And I know that if I did what i´ve been wanting to do for many years, it´d be troublesome. So I won´t do it. Not ever, probably. I still want to, but i´ll stick around for a while I suppose.
I’ve been wanting to go back home since the first night i spent here. Back then i thought we’d bought a ticket for me to go back after around six months, so i wasn’t all that worried. Though my mum told me in January we got a one way ticket. I was a bit upset, but thought, “i’ll just have to get through it and then i’ll go back”. But now, going back has been written down as probably the biggest failure. There’s such high expectations that i simply cannot meet. Everyone asks me what i want to do and why didn’t i think about what i wanted to study while in school. How am i supposed to say that i never thought about it because i never planned to make it past high school? That’s not something you just bring up. I really just want to go home. I’m 19 and I’m really dependent of my mum, even though i try to pretend like i’m really independent. I’m not. A few things have happened that, i believe, have made me like that, but whatever. It’s not that i don’t want to have responsibilities or don’t want to work, it’s that i actually feel like i’m going crazy. I’m delusional most of the times, I can’t sleep, I can’t think properly, and i’m called lazy. It also seems like these days all i do is complain whenever my brain is too full and i type what i think. So many people would love to be living here, would love to live in this flat, to have the view that i have, and to be able to have a chill life. And here i am, wishing i never came here in the first place; wishing a car somehow runs me over whenever i go out; being miserable.
On sunday i had an awful conversation with my brother. It was probably the worst thing you could tell me,
“I’ve given you all the space and things you need, but i think you’ve gotten too comfortable.”
“I really hope you’re trying your best, because this is not working, and it’s just wasting everyone’s time.”
these last few days have been really weird. the number of times i’ve left my room is in single digits; i can’t seem to bring myself to leave my bed for some reason. still unemployed, still being a failure, still not doing anything, still complaining.
i don’t know what to write, but about 5 minutes ago i was sitting on my window and had a feeling i could do something not very nice so i guess typing whatever is better than that.
yesterday i took full advantage of the numbness i’ve been feeling for the past few days. since i haven’t felt anything; not anxious, sad, happy, stressed, anything; i decided to finally make an appointment to talk with someone about what’s going on with my brain. it’s too annoying to ignore now, and honestly i doubt that’ll make it worse so i may as well try. the appointment is on the 28th, so in about two weeks but i guess it’s a nice thing and good news, i honestly don’t know and currently couldn’t care less. let’s see how that works out.
it’s been a while since the last time i posted anything here, but right now i feel like i just need to type stuff out.
lots of things have been happening lately, the biggest thing being i moved. i was okay for a while, feeling pretty neutral, which at this point is great. but it’s only been getting worse for some reason, nothing significant has happened. i’ve been feeling very weird these past few days though, i can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m numb for some reason? yesterday i met a youtuber i really admire and i thought i’d be so happy but i didn’t feel anything at all? and it’s so upsetting. it’s so annoying.
a few days ago i came to terms with something i have been avoiding for about 14 years, which didn’t help at all. i’m so tired in so many ways; emotionally, physically and mentally. i feel like i’m only complaining which also annoys me, but i’ve actually haven’t really been talking that much irl, so i guess i’m just saying everything that’s going on in my mind. ramble ramble i don’t know
got home to no one, once again. it’s okay though, tonight i want to write, so i prefer being alone. work was busy, i finally have the day off tomorrow, so that’s nice.
i’ve also realised i’m awful with titles, so i’ll just put the time i guess
today i, once again, was welcomed by a quiet house; except it wasn’t. they’re avoiding me. as soon as i opened the door, i heard whispers. a lot of them. now they’ve stopped, maybe they think i can’t hear them. although i quite like arriving and having time for myself, i don’t particularly like the fact that, even though they’re still awake, they’re pretending they’re not. it hurts a lot, but whatever; i can’t blame them. i’d pretend to be asleep all the time if i lived with another me, so i can’t really blame them.
the whispers have started again.
although i’m not 100% this time it’s them. lately i’ve been hearing stuff out of nowhere. it’s weird, and keeps me on edge. but it doesn’t happen too often, so it’s bearable i guess.
thoughts i don’t want to think are overwhelming me, they all come at once. my head is a mess right now and i’d say i hope things will be better tomorrow, but i know they won’t be, so there’s no point.
it’s hard to tell what i feel when my brain doesn’t want to work. i’m starting to get tired of people thinking i just choose to not sleep. it doesn’t matter that i’m extremely tired from working, i still can’t sleep; yes, even if i just lay in bed with my eyes closed. family doesn’t seem to understand that, but whatever; i think they just don’t care that much, and who could blame them.
tomorrow hopefully will be better; as i say to myself every day. still waiting for the day it’ll come true.
about ten minutes ago i was going to try to go to bed early for once, but i just got a headache. a pretty awful one at that; oh joy. why do i keep getting random headaches??? i don’t get it, and they’re pretty annoying. anyways, today i worked. very uneventful day honestly, but tomorrow i finally won’t have to wake up to get ready as i won’t work. at least.
suicidal ideations are still present but also still passive, so i guess that’s fine for now.
updates are hard to do when nothing ever happens.
nothing particularly bad happened today, so why am i feeling this way?
these past few days have been weird, and i don’t know how to explain it.
i’ve been forgetting to eat, and sleep doesn’t come very easily; when it does come, it brings nightmares and i just keep waking up constantly. really aggressive headaches come and go without explanation. it feels weird.
for about 10 years i’ve had passive suicidal ideations, and active ones as well, but that’s not the point. anyways, they’ve been here for a while. basically, i won’t act up on anything, but i wouldn’t mind if something happened. even though i can’t even remember days where i didn’t feel like this, it seem like no one even suspects it, which honestly surprises me immensely. at first i thought if i made it a bit obvious, maybe people would care, but if i did make it obvious, it’d just burden others. i guess i internalised the second part of that a bit more; i do tend to internalise lots of stuff. i think i just want someone to care. everyone thinks i’m okay, they honestly do; and for the longest time i thought that, if they believe i’m okay, then i can’t be that bad. boy, i was wrong. i remember about two years ago i wanted to tell my mum i wanted to talk to someone because i didn’t think that what i felt was normal, but i never really said anything; something very much like me. i’m rambling quite a lot today; maybe i’m subconsciously trying to reach out, who knows. hopefully tomorrow will be better
today is one of those days where breathing takes too much effort
–
it’s been a very blank day, nothing noteworthy happened. still can’t sleep, but i’ll try now.
i did take a walk and the weather was pretty nice.
tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she and i went through one of the most painful experiences, at least for me, i’ve ever been through about two years ago. basically our group of friends just dropped us, and once we tried apologising for the misunderstanding, everyone was ignoring us and telling us that we were not the victims, and that they didn’t want to talk to us again. it sounds pretty stupid, and it probably is, but it still really affected me. anyways, considering all this and everything we’d been through, she dropped me, too. out of nowhere, stopped talking to me and just straight up ignored me. she was now friends with the “cool kids” and i think she was embarrassed of being seen with me, so i understand why she’d drop me. it still hurt a lot. but aaaanyways, the point is today’s her birthday, so i sent her a message to congratulate her, even though she forgot or just didn’t care enough about mine. i just hope she still has my number so she knows it’s me.
to change topics drastically; today i considered buying an ukulele, since back at home i used to have a keyboard, and playing it helped me a lot, but i’m not sure. they’re something i’m not sure i can afford, but i do think it’d help me clear my mind. i’ll have to think it over.
–
this is me rambling, sorry.
i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake when i barely sleep, which is worrying. i really don’t get it. anyways, today i made a list of really short term goals, to see if it at least makes me a bit excited for the future. let’s hope it does.
i’m about to post things that have been going through my head for more than 10 years, but i’ve never shared with anyone. now, why am i saying it here? because no one can know. and here, everyone knows yet they don’t know; and i just need to get this things out, because i feel like it’ll maybe help somehow. last night i couldn’t sleep, and so i was sitting on the couch, watching the sunrise, when thoughts that haunt me decided to keep me company. this time, however, i wrote everything down. keep in mind i didn’t check what i wrote and don’t plan on doing it, because reading it might make everything worse. it’s basically me talking to someone and maybe sometimes to myself. also, it’s pretty long. i don’t expect for people to actually read it, but just putting it out there may help, who knows.
–
The sunrise.
The sky is getting light now, it’s 4:18 am as i type. Weird, i don’t feel tired or sleepy at all; this is a first.
I feel like a zombie right now; just going through motions and through life without doing anything but make everything harder for everyone else. The space i take up and occupy i don’t deserve. I take it for granted when others wish they had it. I even dare say i don’t want it; I want to be the teen all the people my age i know get to be; even though they’re there and i’m here. I have such a wonderful opportunity’ one others would do anything if it meant they got to live it, too. And yet, here i am, wishing everything was different.
Speaking of things being different, it all goes back to when i was a kid. A tiny kid, who just wanted to make others happy and help them in any way i could. “If i can help them, then i will” is sort of what went through my mind. Looking back now, i think you saw that, and took advantage of it. You went, and lied, and used me, and tried to make me believe this wasn’t a bad thing. That this was just me helping you. Then why did it always happen while everyone else was asleep? Why were you always cautious of everyone? Why were the doors always locked? Why was she so angry at you when she found out? Why didn’t i understand?
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to remember.
Even though she found out, it happened one last time a few months later. And that one time was the worst one. Because by then, i knew it wasn’t right. I knew this is not something that happens to everyone. This was something i did not want; and yet i didn’t feel like i could say no. On past occasions, you didn’t ask. So i assumed i couldn’t back down because i said i’d help. I was trying not to cry, yet i was weak and let a sound escape my mouth, but deep down inside i was hoping you’d notice i didn’t want this. I hoped you’d notice how much it hurt. How bad i felt. How i wanted to run and never come back. How foolish of me. While you did notice the sound i made, all you did was ask. Ask if it was a moan of pleasure. Ask if i liked it. Then i cried. And left. But nowhere was safe anymore. You robbed me of happiness and freedom. To this day, i flinch when you suddenly get too close. And you think it’s just me being silly. I can’t stand using bathrooms without locks because of you. You robbed me of so much, it’s painful to think about it. It’s painful to remember. I don’t want to remember. I need to not remember or i’ll go insane. Even after all these years, you’re still robbing me of everything; my self esteem, my laughs, my peace of mind, my cleanliness.
Once while playing never have i ever, someone asked if i was a virgin. And i had to take a shot. Everyone looked at me like i was gross; so i lied. I had to lie. I said i was just thirsty, and that i didn’t even hear the question. I lied. I lied like you lied to me. And i don’t regret it. And you probably don’t regret it either. I want to rest.
The sunrise.
The sky is now a light blue with some pinks mixed in, it’s 4:40 am as i finish typing; yet i don’t feel tired.
–
you know those days where you wake up and decide you will definitely enjoy that day? you decide you’re going to do anything you can to feel happy and do everything you always put off. you feel determined and excited. today was supposed to be one of those days. since yesterday wasn’t the day off i would’ve liked it to be, i decided to try my best and have an acceptable day today. it didn’t particularly work, and i’m not surprised.
numbness is a very strange feeling. at first, you don’t understand it; but after a while, you forget how you felt before. what it feels to feel.
sometimes i think maybe feeling was nice, but the thing is i still feel; even if they’re negative feelings, they’re still something.
i’ve decided i’ll just keep going. lately everything is kind of like when a fly gets inside your house. after trying to get it out for a while, you just give up and ignore it, maybe leave the window open so it leaves by itself. currently, i’m the fly; and i’m waiting for someone to open the window.
– something i wrote out of the top of my head, may not make sense but eh –
even though i had a day off, i wasn’t able to actually rest. i fell asleep at around 5am, and woke up at 9am.
i’ve been getting random headaches constantly for years now, i’m not sure why; but i’ve had one since around 4pm and it’s currently 1:19am.
even though it wasn’t a good day, i went to the movies so that was nice.
Newer Posts