i do think that i must be doing something wrong, because there’s just no way life’s supposed to be this miserable.
my head feels warm and foggy; i can’t remember what it feels like to not have a headache lol
it sure has been a week. honestly it feels like years have gone by between monday and today, days feel kinda blurred? who knows. my head feels like a cat’s litter box.
food is still kinda difficult; i found my body feels hungry but i have no appetite and honestly not enough energy to actually eat, so there’s that.
at some point this week i found myself crying because for a few days i’d been craving a milkshake, or something like that? but just thinking about having to go downstairs, prepare it, wash the dishes and then drinking it was too much effort, so i gave up on it. even still, i just cried. it took me a bit to figure out why, since a milkshake is a stupid thing to cry about at my age lol. in the end, i figured it was more about the fact that i’m just lonely. somewhat wished someone was there to at least offer to make one for me if i didn’t feel up to it i guess.
i’ve been reading a lot lately. nothing complicated, just enough to distract my mind for hours and hours. while i read, it feels like i don’t actually exist, like i haven’t been laying in bed for days on end, like i have people around. escapism, probably. cannot be bothered to look it up.
just remembered, yes, food’s been an issue. today though i realized my mom’s… not worried about it, it just seems like she’s annoyed. i don’t really get it. either way, kinda forced me to eat today, now everything feels uncomfortable. i don’t know how to explain it, but i keep feeling like i have to move around to be comfortable, yet i’m too lethargic. it feels like i need to throw up. it’s annoying.
tomorrow, another week starts. in preparation, i started to think, what is it that i want to do? what will actually help me to live a more rewarding life? nothing really came to mind. it’s not that i want to die, not really. it’s more like wanting to disappear, if there’s a difference.
when i was younger, i always thought about wanting to get very sick, i wanted to be terminally ill, for some reason. kinda morbid, but i’m letting thoughts roll out right now. then i thought, either i get seriously ill or i’m kidnapped, either one is fine. not sure what the hell was my thought process there, sincerely. probably just thought that, if either of those things happened, people would have no other choice but to pay attention to me. to look at me, and to be with me. i’d daydream about it, i could picture it so vividly, and dreamt about it pretty often. once, my mom dreamt i was very sick, and when she told me in the morning, while hugging me and near tears, i can’t say what i felt. honestly, to this day i don’t know. but i’m sure it wasn’t the right thing to think as a first instinct.
at first, this post was gonna be an update for myself; to keep track of what’s been going on while i spiral into nothingness. i don’t even know what i’m talking about anymore. not even sure if i’m actually typing this for myself or for others to read, at this point.
i talk to myself a lot. apparently more than a lot of people. i could say that i do it at least once a day, but when i stopped to think about it, i’m just constantly having a conversation with myself inside my brain. whenever i’m somewhere i know nobody can hear me, i talk out loud. it’s kinda nice, i think. giving thoughts a less abstract form.
at some point this week, lord knows when, i realized i’m being left behind. or at least, i seem to think i am. factually, i know i’m young. i know life is pretty long, and that it’s not very realistic to expect having my life figured out at this point. still, i’m irrational. my friends (or people i know; at this point, it doesn’t feel like friendship in my mind) have friends, relationships, life partners, and dreams of sorts. they have a future in mind, even if it’s not very thought out. i… don’t really have any of those? at least not defined, at all. friends don’t feel like it, i can’t find in myself any motivation to engage in conversations with them. it’s more that i just can’t seem to keep up with them. they’re all very… hopeful, i guess. feels like a different world from mine. it’s like i stole my body from someone; i look in the mirror and think that i don’t know what i’m supposed to look like, but that’s not it. i feel small. much too small for the age i’m supposed to be.
i find that letting all the thoughts swarming around your brain is very draining. at this point, i’ve typed over 800 words, and yet, i’m still keeping a lot to myself. everything feels quite uncomfortable right now. really, i should be cleaning my cat’s litter box right now.
i’m pretty tired. life’s been quite rough lately. honestly i just want to actually feel like i’m talking to someone, since people are busy with their own lives.
when i was younger, sleeping and eating came so easily to me, i could sleep and eat whenever i felt like it with no issue. that’s honestly the only fact that made me realize i’m kinda going downhill lately lol. ate a little bit of cereal for breakfast since i wasn’t hungry but knew i had to eat /something/. then, a bit ago i though i should eat a snack but felt like throwing up as soon as i looked around for some cookies. ended up not eating anything lol
can’t sleep properly these days, i’m kinda exhausted. or at least i feel like i am, and that i look pretty tired, but nobody seems to think the same.
gave up on doing anything about headaches, might just have to live with them now since nobody takes it seriously
i’m pretty tired
not to sound like a broken record, but man have these past few weeks been hard. i don’t even know what to type, even though i know i want to get things off my chest; it’s annoying. finding things to keep my brain busy, or else i might just lose the small amount of sanity i have left. besides, classes start again next week. i don’t know what to think, or what i need or crave. actually, now that i’m actively trying to think, i don’t really feel anything; it’s a bit like being self aware while asleep. i feel scripted.
today’s been rough. not sure why, honestly, it’s just been a hard day
i’m pretty frustrated with myself; kinda want attention but also i don’t want to inconvenience people by asking for it. eh, i don’t know
rough couple of days
lately, a few memories have been flooding my mind, not sure why. it’s been a rough few months, honestly. and flashbacks haven’t made them any easier.
classes and homework are taking up a lot of my time, but still, feels like i’m spreading myself thin. friend of mine started to talk more regularly with me this year and they think it’s great and all but half the time i don’t know what to say. every time we talk, i feel so drained; i just physically can’t keep talking for the whole day.
kinda hard to explain, but it just constantly feels like i’m being talked down to, though i might just be overthinking it. also i’m just stupid because i end up… sending things i know i don’t want to send, just because i know the other person expects it.
started typing because i wanted to empty out my brain, but really all my thoughts are so messy that it feels like i can’t do it.
lately i’ve been getting so upset about small things. actually, to me they don’t feel small, but they probably are. it just kinda hurts to see your mom treat someone who’s not family the way you wish you were treated, you know? it’d be nice to be taken into consideration sometimes, instead of having to remind people who are supposed to be close to you of your existence.
i’ve been thinking a bit about my thoughts on certain adult topics and how i feel about them, for some reason. stumbling across it is fine, i don’t really care. but being sent suggestive or straight up explicit things makes me so uncomfortable. i wonder why. it just feels disgusting. actually, i probably know why.
really, i don’t know what i think about lately. not sure about what i want, what i crave or what i need. feels like my brain is fighting itself. guess that having one person that genuinely, actually cares wouldn’t hurt.
generally, people always give the advice of putting yourself and your needs first. why is it that when i do it, i’m being selfish and purposely making like harder for everyone?
honestly i’ve been thinking so immaturely lately, i don’t know why.
i’m upset right now, actually. this whole week has been kind of hard, between balancing school assignments, some home finances, house work, doing just about anything that my mom doesn’t want to do and spending my mornings in waiting rooms while she does some exercises has been a bit much. finally, today i decided i’d work all afternoon on my own work i need to get done but everyone keeps asking me to do things for them and to help them and it’s FRUSTRATING that i have to help everyone but nobody wants to help me with anything.
i don’t know, it feels like i’m throwing a tantrum
All i want is to stop being a nobody in my own family, the last priority. Is it too much to ask for people to thank me from time to time?
I feel quite hopeless today.
I can be an asshole sometimes, and even though I don’t ever misbehave on purpose, sometimes i just can’t stop myself on time. Every single day i try my best to act accordingly, to do everything that must be done and what is, now, expected of me. However, sometimes i simply lose it, and act out. I don’t know why i do that, i really don’t. But it hurts others just as much, if not more, as it hurts me. I don’t like to mistreat people, i really don’t. All i want and try every day is to keep everyone else happy, so whenever i act out even for just a second, i’m treated like im a monster. Like i always want to make everyone unhappy and upset. Why is that? I mean, i’m genuinely asking, i really don’t get it. I assume that i’m the problem here, since that’s the way it’s always been; i’m always to blame and i’m always expected to apologize.
I don’t know
i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air
that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.
i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend to be the child that she expects me to be; well behaved, never angry, always caring and always responsible. it’s been a few weeks since i’ve had this ‘new personality’ and i’m Exhausted. it’s so annoying but it kind of feels like it’s my job to keep it up.
i’m pretty busy now though. i have to get good grades in all my classes while also managing household chores. at least i have things to do, though my motivation has plummeted a lot, but i manage.
tomorrow is my birthday and, even though i’ve never been a fan of it, i can’t wait for it to be over already. usually people feel obligated to be nice to you on your birthday and kind of when it’s almost the day, they’re all excited and ask you all about it, or at least that’s what i’ve seen my friends do. but i don’t know, even though i don’t want to talk about it, no one’s said anything. actually, my brother had to remind my mom several times because she forgot as she planned random things on that day or whatever. it’s kind of stupid, but i just feel a bit like i’m disappearing little by little. so slowly that not even i can tell that it’s happening.
it’s been a long time since i last actually talked about what’s been on my mind. mostly because no one bothers to ask, but i also just feel like they’d be freaked out. they’re not very nice thoughts after all. i’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually. night after night, even multiple ones per night. that’s also exhausting. my head feels so heavy, i can’t even listen to music with lyrics lately lol.
ah, since i need to document this somewhere, i’ll write it here. a few days ago i actually got to “remember” the year in which something happened. for a while it’s been bothering me that i couldn’t remember at all the dates of certain things from my past. though, now that i know a date, i feel a bit relieved and also a bit frustrated. does my mom remember what happened? does she think i forgot about it? i don’t know, i feel like these are nonsensical thoughts.
my head feels heavy, it’s kind of hard to breathe lately. i feel like i’m thinking too much but i know that i’m actually not thinking at all. my mind is white, and it goes on and on. that doesn’t mean it’s empty though. i’m just waiting for brighter days
well, i am BACK.
lately things have been pretty normal i suppose, though i can’t say i’m well, it’s alright y’know? honestly i’m just a bit more anxious than usual today because of a dream i had last night, where i tried jumping off a 7th floor but then nothing happened and no one noticed, so idk. felt off when i woke up.
also, i got an app to keep track of my mood because i always forget, so i can look back if i need to; it’s been helpful i suppose.
anyways, i hope everyone here has, at the very least, an okay day today, tomorrow and so on. bye then
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
long time no post!!!
i always randomly remember i have this account right when i need it. a whole lot has happened since the last time i posted anything, and honestly it hasn’t been too bad; bearable, i’d say. obviously, there’s many times i wanna sleep forever (guess who still isn’t able to sleep properly!!!!) but on may of last year i started going to university, so i don’t have much time to do anything basically. it’s definitely been an experience and i’m mostly happy about it; i feel like i chose something i could be good at. i just fear that everything that has happened won’t ever let me rest, let’s say. i don’t know how to explain it.
i’m scared, honestly. i don’t want to be alone again, but i feel like i am… and i don’t know how to feel about that lol. i read my previous posts and they sound really dramatic, though it’s like i conveyed what i was feeling at the time very well; i was able remember most of the things i said after reading them, and very vividly. i suppose i’m not too bad at writing! that’s a relief since what i’m studying has a little bit to do with that? headaches are still going strong, but i’m thinking about talking to someone about everything; my thoughts are getting exhausting
i haven´t been here for over a year, and i really need to empty my brain, so here´s a bit of the mess that´s going on in my head
i tried to hide it more, so they wouldn´t notice. I guess I got too good at hiding it because now she thinks i´m doing so much better. And maybe I am, but it doesn´t really feel like it. I feel like soon i´ll break; and I don´t know if I can or want to stop it. Today she said, “I think you´re doing much better now. Do you still think you need to see a therapist?”. i want to, but last time i panicked when they asked if i´d ever experienced anything sexual with others. i was ashamed, so I lied. I guess a part of me thought they´d say it wasn´t a big deal. I lied so much that time. So it´s no wonder they said I seemed alright. I just wasted their time, like I normally do.
i don´t think she remembers what happened all those years ago. She probably doesn´t. but why do I have to remember? Seems a bit unfair, but whatever. Lately i´ve found myself spending more time in fictional worlds than the real one, which isn´t really surprising, but it´s a bit worrying.
i feel like everyone is moving forward, doing better and being happy. Everyone but me. I feel stuck in the past, like the me today is with the me from around 13 years ago. It´s disorientating, to say the least. I´ve been trying to keep my mind busy, doing something all the time, but it may be making things worse, because I know i´m just ignoring the problem, and I know it´s gonna blow up in my face sooner or later. At this point in my life, all I want is to disappear. It doesn´t even have to be death, I just want to go somewhere far away, where I don´t have to worry about anything. I want the peace of mind that was taken away from me that day. The day I said yes, and thinking nothing bad was going to happen. The day I technically gave consent but was like 7 years old so I obviously couldn´t give consent to anything of that sort. Sadly, that took a lot of time to get to terms with. i´ve been blaming myself for a while. However, I realized that it´s not my fault. And i´m so glad I did. Better late than never, huh?
Will I ever let it go? Am I being annoying? Am I just being dramatic? Others have it worse. Maybe me being upset about it is stupid and I shouldn´t be. I don´t know.
i´m so tired. So tired of everything. But as always, I won´t do anything. Because I want others to be happy. And I know that if I did what i´ve been wanting to do for many years, it´d be troublesome. So I won´t do it. Not ever, probably. I still want to, but i´ll stick around for a while I suppose.
I’ve been wanting to go back home since the first night i spent here. Back then i thought we’d bought a ticket for me to go back after around six months, so i wasn’t all that worried. Though my mum told me in January we got a one way ticket. I was a bit upset, but thought, “i’ll just have to get through it and then i’ll go back”. But now, going back has been written down as probably the biggest failure. There’s such high expectations that i simply cannot meet. Everyone asks me what i want to do and why didn’t i think about what i wanted to study while in school. How am i supposed to say that i never thought about it because i never planned to make it past high school? That’s not something you just bring up. I really just want to go home. I’m 19 and I’m really dependent of my mum, even though i try to pretend like i’m really independent. I’m not. A few things have happened that, i believe, have made me like that, but whatever. It’s not that i don’t want to have responsibilities or don’t want to work, it’s that i actually feel like i’m going crazy. I’m delusional most of the times, I can’t sleep, I can’t think properly, and i’m called lazy. It also seems like these days all i do is complain whenever my brain is too full and i type what i think. So many people would love to be living here, would love to live in this flat, to have the view that i have, and to be able to have a chill life. And here i am, wishing i never came here in the first place; wishing a car somehow runs me over whenever i go out; being miserable.
On sunday i had an awful conversation with my brother. It was probably the worst thing you could tell me,
“I’ve given you all the space and things you need, but i think you’ve gotten too comfortable.”
“I really hope you’re trying your best, because this is not working, and it’s just wasting everyone’s time.”
these last few days have been really weird. the number of times i’ve left my room is in single digits; i can’t seem to bring myself to leave my bed for some reason. still unemployed, still being a failure, still not doing anything, still complaining.
i don’t know what to write, but about 5 minutes ago i was sitting on my window and had a feeling i could do something not very nice so i guess typing whatever is better than that.
yesterday i took full advantage of the numbness i’ve been feeling for the past few days. since i haven’t felt anything; not anxious, sad, happy, stressed, anything; i decided to finally make an appointment to talk with someone about what’s going on with my brain. it’s too annoying to ignore now, and honestly i doubt that’ll make it worse so i may as well try. the appointment is on the 28th, so in about two weeks but i guess it’s a nice thing and good news, i honestly don’t know and currently couldn’t care less. let’s see how that works out.
it’s been a while since the last time i posted anything here, but right now i feel like i just need to type stuff out.
lots of things have been happening lately, the biggest thing being i moved. i was okay for a while, feeling pretty neutral, which at this point is great. but it’s only been getting worse for some reason, nothing significant has happened. i’ve been feeling very weird these past few days though, i can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m numb for some reason? yesterday i met a youtuber i really admire and i thought i’d be so happy but i didn’t feel anything at all? and it’s so upsetting. it’s so annoying.
a few days ago i came to terms with something i have been avoiding for about 14 years, which didn’t help at all. i’m so tired in so many ways; emotionally, physically and mentally. i feel like i’m only complaining which also annoys me, but i’ve actually haven’t really been talking that much irl, so i guess i’m just saying everything that’s going on in my mind. ramble ramble i don’t know
got home to no one, once again. it’s okay though, tonight i want to write, so i prefer being alone. work was busy, i finally have the day off tomorrow, so that’s nice.
i’ve also realised i’m awful with titles, so i’ll just put the time i guess
today i, once again, was welcomed by a quiet house; except it wasn’t. they’re avoiding me. as soon as i opened the door, i heard whispers. a lot of them. now they’ve stopped, maybe they think i can’t hear them. although i quite like arriving and having time for myself, i don’t particularly like the fact that, even though they’re still awake, they’re pretending they’re not. it hurts a lot, but whatever; i can’t blame them. i’d pretend to be asleep all the time if i lived with another me, so i can’t really blame them.
the whispers have started again.
although i’m not 100% this time it’s them. lately i’ve been hearing stuff out of nowhere. it’s weird, and keeps me on edge. but it doesn’t happen too often, so it’s bearable i guess.
thoughts i don’t want to think are overwhelming me, they all come at once. my head is a mess right now and i’d say i hope things will be better tomorrow, but i know they won’t be, so there’s no point.
it’s hard to tell what i feel when my brain doesn’t want to work. i’m starting to get tired of people thinking i just choose to not sleep. it doesn’t matter that i’m extremely tired from working, i still can’t sleep; yes, even if i just lay in bed with my eyes closed. family doesn’t seem to understand that, but whatever; i think they just don’t care that much, and who could blame them.
tomorrow hopefully will be better; as i say to myself every day. still waiting for the day it’ll come true.
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