Just one thing after another. Starting classes really soon and I know I’m not cut out for it. Car’s fucked up. I’m broke af. Family’s in a pretty rocky spot and can’t do shit about it. And wow, imagine that, still being a leech on what’s around me. The people I’ve been living with have been helping a lot with certain things esp regarding the school and the car and I feel like shit about it. More money down the drain on their end. I wish I would’ve stayed at that job at the nursing home. It might’ve killed me, but I wouldn’t have died a burden. I have to have my hand held through so much shit bc I really am so ignorant to just everything apparently. I’m like a 3 year old stuck in a 20 flesh suit. It’s pathetic. I feel so small and worthless when around anyone. Except the cat. I like the cat a lot. I have a friend I talk to but fumble that way too often bc I’m a moron. In truth I’ve just become this thing that’s in everyone’s way. And I’m just gonna end up in more people’s way, making a fool of myself.
Things have just been shit. At least I’ve been productive. Sort of. I wish I wasn’t so dumb. I also wish they didn’t pay $270 for car fixes before even telling me and then not wanting to be paid back. I’m going to anyway, bc that’s too much and I hear them talking about $$$ all the time and they’re stressed about it. They don’t have to say out loud I’m another stress, it’s obvious enough. I’ve been trying, but trying or doing your best doesn’t really matter if it’s not very good. I’m good for nothing. What’s new.
Everything’s tight. Emailed and tried to call my old school to get shit settled for the scholarship I have but of course I get no response. Will have to wait until Monday which is when I start as it is. Have to get a camera that’s over 700 fucking dollars. Pretty sure certain methods are cheaper if ykwim. It’d drain everything I have, but technically I have it. It is what it is. People I’m living with are like my second family and they’re tight too for med bills for their kid and other things and working on shit for their house. My family is gonna have to be tight to afford treatments for my grandma bc she’s got cancer again and it’s apparently spreading. She looks worse every time I see her. She seemed a little more upbeat today but she could barely even move w/o it clearly hurting her. I hated it. Wish I could do fuck all.
I wish I had gone through with it months back instead of worrying about hurting people. I know the people I’m with and the friend I talk to would feel guilty as hell and I’d never want to bring that on anyone. But I’m just so incapable of living and I wanna scream 40% of the time and cry to someone the other 60%. It’s a pretty shitty way to live. A way I’ve brought on myself by being an absolute idiot, burdening everyone around me, but a shitty way nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I was guilted into living, at least by the people I’m around. I hate saying that. I’m sorry for it. Just really tired of waiting for the part where it gets better. I’m tired of sinking with no real bottom in sight.
Sorry