No longer waking up wishing that I died in my sleep first thing in the morning. For now. But I can’t say that I’m better. Just stagnant. Might hear something from the two companies I interviewed for either the end of this week or next. I shouldn’t say I feel confident about it because knowing my luck I’ll just get another rejection. I guess that’s why I haven’t been trying real hard submitting application lately. I haven’t tried for a while.
The hertz fellowship application is due Friday. One of my references hasn’t turned in their stuff yet. Even though I asked them more than 2 months ago. Would be hilarious if that’s what keeps me from submitting. It’s not like I would get it anyways. I haven’t really looked over the short answer questions or essay. First drafts but I don’t feel like going over them.
Every part of my mind is rotten or broken. A failure on every level. No good relationships to speak of, incompetent, morally warped. Death would solve it all. Just blink out of existence. Dying is a dime a dozen. Should be no big deal.
Thinking about her again. No rhyme or reason for when I start thinking about her. Been literal years. I think it’s cause I have nothing going on for the past half year. So why not think about unpleasant things? She might as well be a ghost. Or a vague unpleasant shape. Can’t remember a single good thing. Just dread. So when you think about it, I’m not really thinking about her. Just the sensation of misery associated with her. Same with all the thoughts from back then. Distant ones and more recent ones. Dying would fix that. I keep saying that, but it could be the exact opposite. Just a hell where I relive all my awful thoughts again and again. Or just end up right where I already am. Only one way to find out though.
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LMAO woke up to a rejection email from one of them. Might have been my preferred one too, but required 80% traveling. So maybe for the best. Only hope is the other one. Otherwise back to begging for interviews.