Got some awful news today. That shitty technician job came back bugging me if I wanted it or not. I thought they moved on so I agreed to say yes. I don’t want it. I simply do not want it. But I need a job. This is what I’m talking about when I say why bother with the the stuff you have to do. It comes off as childish, but if I don’t want to do it why should I? If I knew for sure that this was going to lead me to what I want, then maybe I’d be happier about it. If I knew I’d be going back to a PhD program and actually be good at it, maybe. But there is no guarantees for either scenario. Would I have this attitude with every job I got offered? Even if it wasn’t a shit technician contracting job? Would I come up with an excuse for a mechanical engineering job or deployment job? I guess it doesn’t matter since I’ll probably screw up any job I get. So why am I so mad about this? Like I’m being forced to do something. Because isn’t that what life is? Forced to do shit you couldn’t give a fuck about for the scraps you do want? Whatever inane bullshit that keeps you occupied and filled with some sense of purpose. For me my purpose was becoming a robotics engineer. But I want to create new and interesting things. So that became being a researcher. But I see no path to that. Just years and years doing bullshit I don’t want to do like being a technician or working on some assembly line design crap. And that’s if I’m lucky. I just don’t know why I can’t push myself to do the one thing I want to do. To finally leave and not have to deal with any of this.