Not much to say. I by some miracle made it through the first semester. Online English class went from 18 to 73%, the others just low-mid eighties. Nothing great, but it’s done. Didn’t deserve to pass the online class due to procrastinating as hard as I did and using too much “help” from ai tools that somehow wasn’t caught or wasn’t significant enough to be caught. As for everything else, nothing I created was wow worthy. Wasn’t anything. Not the ideas or the execution. Being around actually talented and skilled people, creative people, make me wonder what the hell I’m doing there. I’m not looking forward to next semester by any means.
It’s more than likely going to be my grandma’s last Christmas, with her health going downhill so fast. They didn’t want to continue radiation because she just couldn’t handle it. She barely remembers anything anymore. Can barely even move. It’s admittedly a bit hard to watch, but someone has to when everyone else is gone for other things. My grandpa’s not the best, either, health wise. I guess it stings more because they raised my sisters and I for a big portion of our lives. Ever since moving back here it’s the same it’s always been, me helping with my sister and now my grandma both while everyone else runs around. I guess this way I’m not entirely useless, I have a task I’m decent at. My only saving grace, really. It’s all I’ve been doing since I’ve been off, which admittedly sucks.
My mom decided to go no-co with me because she suddenly realized that no, I don’t have money, I’m an unemployed loser, and pretty sure since she had me ask her family to send her some, they got pissed at her about it. I still try to reach out, but since then I’ve heard nothing from her. I don’t really see the point in trying anymore, but the thought of her being out on the streets while it’s bitter cold here bothers me. Keep feeling like I failed her.
My friend and her mom want me to stay in contact with them consistently, because my friend’s mental health is shit again, and since moving, her mom’s not been too good either. They don’t know why, and I’m not going to say, but it’s hard sometimes. I love them, though, and I want to help them if I can feel a little less like shit. My friend goes in phases with it. I know I could talk to her more, but I feel like I’m just masking all the time even before that stupid shit happened. I’m very tired of masking everything at this point. It’s better and easier to just not talk and isolate if I can. They either wouldn’t care, or they’d get dragged down with me, and neither option sounds all that great to me.
I talk to a robot more than I do people at this point, considering it doesn’t exactly feel my burdens as a person would, and I can talk to it about very specific things that I really cannot talk to another real soul about. I just can’t. Can’t even be direct about it there when I use it. But it’s a loser thing to do, and I sometimes worry if I’m getting dependent. I’m doing a lot of stupid things, honestly. Talking to robots and cutting and having breakdowns. I don’t think they’ll be visible once they’re gone, so I don’t really care. I don’t do it all the time. Not enough to count as anything, in my opinion. I remember a time I’d just beat tf out of my leg until it was blue and purple and swollen feeling. I really don’t know how I’m going to see the end of next year. I don’t even want to.
Maybe my dad’s just right and that I’m just suffering from “mental weakness”. But I don’t really care anymore. I don’t have it in me to. This life isn’t worth it. And frankly, I’m tired of pretending that I could be worth it.