I went to cidercade for my birthday today. My birthday isn’t for another two days, but I’ll be working and having a dentist appointment that day. It was just me. It’s always just me. I went to get a burger at a place nearby. Ordered too many cheese fries and took some home. Will probably just end up throwing them away. There goes 10 bucks. Then I headed over to cidercade. Was there for a little under 2 hours maybe. Did the usual. Played Galaga first. Guitar hero, racing games, pinball, CvS2. Nothing major. Nothing different. Did a personal best on Galaga. Put it in my notes app. Had more scores before I lost my phone last year. The only other score I have is the one from Roxy’s.
I only really feel alone when I’m around other people. I’ve always felt this way. It was the same at the concert. Or New Years. I think it felt worse this time around because now I’m actively looking for companionship. Before when I stayed away from that stuff it still felt bad, but it felt more hollow this time around. When you’ve given up on something, it dulls the pain of it a little. Saw people there with friends today. Playing games and eating pizza. While I just listened to music on my headphones and wandered around the arcade looking for interesting cabinets to play. I turn 27 Thursday. And I’m still just wandering around alone.
I think I also have nerves about tomorrow. Like I said, training is up. Now they’re going to expect things from me. It didn’t look too hard when the others did it, but I’m kind of amazing at fucking things up. What if I mess up the lock out procedure? What if I replace something wrong? What if I end up ruining the work flow or getting someone hurt? What if I just can’t do it? What does that mean for my engineering career? I have 24 more weeks to go.