So I lied. My training wasn’t done. I still need CPR training. So that means I spent 42 hours this week watching people do things instead of doing them myself. Beats the training videos I guess. And I probably won’t be getting CPR training any time soon since it’s “peak” season. All the instructors are too busy to show my how to do chest compressions or something. So that means I get to spend another 42 hours just watching people do work. Actually 30 hours. Cause I get Christmas off. I get to lie in bed all day that day cause I have no friends or family to spend time with. Not like I’d want to anyway. Technically I do have extended family in Houston. But I’m not fucking driving more than an hour on my day off. Especially since I’ll have to wake up at 3 in the morning the next day. Once I do get my training though I get the privilege of working the night shift. So from 4 in the afternoon to 4:30 in the morning. Hopefully it will at least be slow during that time. Sucks now cause I probably won’t be able to play card games anymore cause it conflicts with my day off.
Been fantasizing about getting back to grad school. It won’t happen. I don’t belong at WPI. I never did. Won’t ever see that place again. And trying to apply for US schools is just as pointless if not more so than trying to get back into WPI. I could go overseas. Just to fail and come flying back. Any way I look at it, I ain’t getting a PhD. I’ll just be stuck doing technician work for the rest of my life. So until I get the balls to shoot myself in the head.
It gets worse and worse. Every single person I see on that stupid app is just uninteresting. It might as well have X’s over their face and a blank personality. I asked Chat GPT my chances of getting a match cause I can’t think of anything else. My chances are low. Real low. Apparently the app wasn’t built for people like me. But I don’t have any other ideas. I don’t know how to meet people. Work 42 hours a week 12 hour shifts and I know of no other social means. I go and play magic the gathering with a bunch of guys. Don’t know any mixers that they’d host at an arcade or music store (?). Somewhere I can meet people with the same interests. Don’t do physical activity. Don’t volunteer. Probably should do one of those things since I’m out of options. But I’m too much of a lazy prick. I keep thinking “Dying costs me nothing.” I sort of remember having crushes in school and not knowing how to deal with them. Then I think about how for the last 9 or so years I’ve given up on anything like that. And I got to say, the giving up part feels nicer and easier. Just don’t feel lonely. And I only feel lonely when I’m around other people and trying on these stupid apps.