Hey, I just made my account like two minutes ago. Please be kind. I think this post is going to be long, just to warn you. I think people can leave comments on this website so if you have advice for me it’d be greatly appreciated.
Without going too much into my personal life, I’m 20 years old and a college student. I do well for myself, have a 3.8 GPA, and solid extracurriculars. I was even a college athlete my freshman year haha, but I quit. If I live, I will be going to law school after college. Hopefully a good one. Externally, I seem fine. I go to parties, workout, date, the whole thing. However, I see no purpose in continuing. Even though I do and have all these great things going for me, I’m just really unhappy. I’ve been unhappy for a long time, longer than I can remember being happy in the first place.
I try very, very hard in school and life. I maintain my relatively high GPA, workout at least five (usually six) days a week, and do well in my extracurriculars. Oftentimes, though, I find myself asking, why do I try so hard if I’m still unhappy? I’m honestly just done. I have friends, I have everything one could ask for but I still don’t want to be here. I’ve lived this way for so long that I’ve accepted that this is the way things are. This is life, and I want out. It makes sense for me, too. Both sides of my family have depression and many other mental health issues that I also inherited. I would go more into detail about it, though I won’t out of fear of being recognized.
I want out. My mother and brother are leaving soon for a skiing trip and it’s just going to be me and the dogs for 4 days. I’m thinking of lying my head down on the train tracks. I’ve done extensive research over the years about suicide methods, and I think this is going to be the most efficient, painless, and logistically-sound way to end my life. (P.S. I don’t mean to share this method of suicide, I just want to be honest in my experience and in this post.)
The biggest motivation for me is that I believe there simply is no way out. I’ve tried therapy, psychiatry, medication, confiding in friends, confiding in loved ones, bettering my self (school, gym, etc.), and time. I’ve had suicidal ideation since I was 12, and took a knife to my wrist over a 72% on a math test. I thought, maybe, in time this will pass. It has not. Every time I seem to be in a good place, something happens and I get pulled back down. I feel like I’ve hit “rock bottom” more than I can count, and each time seems to be deeper than the last. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of living for the sake of others.
I just want to want to be here. I want to find a reason to keep enduring this pointless existence. Or, make this existence have a point.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I think my best option is ending things. I find myself wishing that my previous attempts succeeded very often.
My heavy drug use over the years has definitely played a role in my wish to die. I’ve done many, many things: Coke, salvia, acid, mushrooms, nitrous oxide, marijuana, opiates, ketamine, and probably one or two other things that I’m forgetting. Whenever I take drugs, I feel immediate relief. I have no wish to die because I’m seeing fractals or have basically no thoughts at all more than, this feels nice. The bottom line is, I hate being sober. It’s boring. It sucks. If you’re reading this far, it’s better to stay ignorant to these things. You lose a part of yourself that you can never get back, and your eyes are opened to a world that’s infinitely better than this one yet equally impermanent and inaccessible. Not to mention, I think my lungs are permanently scarred from all the smoking I’ve done. Regardless, don’t try drugs kids. I pinky-promise you it’s a rabbit hole that’s not worth going down.
Another part of me that I’d like to get off my chest is that I think I was (am?) a really twisted kid. What I mean by this is, I was really into watching gore when I was younger – my brother introduced me (thanks!). I’ve seen things on the internet that have really, really fucked with me on many levels: Animal abuse, cannabalism, executions, cartel violence, rape, beastiality, accidental deaths, suicides, etc. It makes me sad that I was in middle school and barely a freshman in high school watching the shit that I was. My motivation for watching these things was that it would make me tougher. It didn’t. Though, now I’m unfazed by basically every fucked up thing that anyone could ever see. That isn’t toughness, it’s numbness.
In writing this post itself, I feel a kind of relief. It’s nice to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper (aka the screen). Anyways, I know that I inevitably will be in a place where I want to die again – and really soon at that. If you have any, any advice for me at all for me I’d be very thankful. Really. I’m literally open to anything. I’m seeing a therapist right now, they’re nice and I just talk about the same things that I shared above. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like school, why would I go to law school then? Yet at the same time, there’s no alternative. I can’t be a bum and live at home and do nothing either. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t like the gym. I don’t like anything, really. I just live and go through the motions but I’m reaching a point where I’m about to sink.
3 comments
I’m sorry things are so hard for you. It may seem like you have it all, but when you lack a purpose it’s all very empty. Finding that purpose is the toughest thing. And even when you do, you might not be able to obtain it. You seem like a smart put together guy on the surface. If you can find that purpose whatever it may be, I think you’ll be able to achieve it. Also yeah you should probably stay away from the gore and drugs. Hope writing here makes you feel better and that things do get better.
That’s quite a story you have. I’ve actually experience depression at its worse around ur age. I’m 31 now, so 10 years ago
It’s pretty common to lose interest in the things that you really like to do. You have to try to slowly get back into it and maybe try new things for coping skills
Therapy was a hit or miss for me. I gave it a shot 5 years off and on, but it wasn’t for me
I thought they would be saved as long as I did everything they told me to do. Man was I wrong on that. Some conditions are just so hard to treat. I gave up therapy after that and never went back to it
Everyone is different, so it might actually benefit you. It’s good you’re giving it a shot
If I have any advice to give is this: Take it slow, get back into doing stuff u love, like the gym, and stay consistent
It won’t be easy and it may take months or even years, but it’s something to give a shot
I’d say music in general was my passion. I stuck playing my horn and making music. In a way, I was able to express myself and tell my story
1- Welcome to SP!
2- Have you always felt “empty”? Have you always not felt strong emotions for things? Like as a kid, did you laugh, cry, throw tantrums, felt joy, felt anger, etc? (prior to your drug use)
3- People who are depressed are usually missing something- do you have family that love you? do you have friends that you actually like and care for (not just casual going out or party friends). Do you have any meaningful deep connection with anyone?
4- I know quite a few people IRL who doesn’t feel much of anything on either side- neither happiness nor sadness. Their emotions for everything is kinda….muted. Like not non-existent, but all their emotions- happiness, anger, etc- are all dialed down. They just feel much less of every emotion than the average person. And like you, are quite bored. They do all the logical things they should do, but nothing brings joy. But on the same token, they also don’t get “broken-hearted” or pissed off about things as much as the average person either.
5- Have you seen Robin Williams’ interviews? In those, he talks about how his extensive drug use caused him to find the real world intolerable- too quiet, too boring. He said when he was off the drugs, he felt dead. Maybe it’s all the drug use that’s caused you to feel this way too? Maybe it’s worth watching some of those interviews or science documentaries on drug use and how it causes lack of emotions?