Half way through the work week. Two more days. I complained earlier to myself that the weeks were going by too fast. That I was becoming too comfortable with it and thus will become complacent. That flipped pretty quick. Last week or so has been so god damn slow. Like painfully slow. I can really feel the 12 hours in my shift. I count down the hours. Break them down into minutes and then seconds. Try to calculate the percentage of the day left. The percentage of the week left. I debated which was worse. Being bored out of my skull or rolling around on the floor beneath a conveyor for hours trying to get stupid bearings and rollers into cramped spaces. I think being bored is worse.
Someone is getting wise to me not wanting to be there. A senior tech that I’m on friendly terms with caught me looking for jobs on my phone a few weeks ago. Before that he learned that I have a masters degree. Today he asked if I would accept a job offer from them after my temp period was done. I obviously hesitated until he said “in the meantime of course.” I agreed then. I doubt he’ll do anything with the information. It’s not like he’s a manager and he said he understands. Said he’s looking for another job himself. But I’m not exactly happy with showing my hand to anyone. But I can’t say I’ve been too great at hiding it either.
I tried contacting my old advisor today. I said I was going to wait until March, but I’m starting to get more job interviews and on the extreme off chance I get an offer I don’t want to hesitate because I’m still holding on to WPI. I just want to rip the band aid off and have him tell me he couldn’t find any funding. I’m never seeing that place again. And it’s not like I deserved to be there anyways. I know this. But I can’t help myself from dreaming about it from time to time. Lately I’ve actually started researching international schools. And by researching I mean looking up their degree programs for about 5 minutes and then bookmarking pages. So much goes into leaving the country. Visas, the initial money just to get there, learning the language and culture. That’s on top of the usual challenges of applying for a PhD. Finding a soft robotics lab, getting an advisor to sponsor me, choosing a research focus and prepping a proposal on it. Like I said WPI was my one and only shot. And it was taken from me and I’m never getting it back. I’ve stopped thinking about putting a bullet in my head as much as I used to, but whenever I think about this situation the idea always magically pops back into my head.
I’m not entirely sure I’ve shared this yet. I feel like I must have, but I really like it so whatever. She has such a pretty voice.