I should stop keeping track. I really am just setting myself up for disappointment.
Where to start? Today would probably be classified as a good day. Played cards for a couple of hours. Had a sushi dinner. Watched the new Pixar movie. Didn’t even try to look for jobs today. Ran out of steam. People would say that these are the days that make it worth it. That’s what they would say. But I don’t want that. They are just mindless distractions. Things that make you forget about how much you hate yourself. Forget about how you couldn’t reach your purpose no matter how hard you tried. Forget how you grind away at a soul sucking job you feel nothing for just so you can reach this state of numbness the distractions provide you. And it worked. I forgot about it when I was playing cards and when I was eating sushi and when I was watching the robot beaver. But then I come home and start writing this post and realize nothing has changed. I’m still here.
Surprise surprise my advisor’s company never got back to me. My advisor never got back to me. I’m following up on Wednesday because some stupid fucking rule of professionalism says I have to wait until then. People would probably tell me to use my network more to find a job instead of just shooting in the dark like i have been with applying online for random companies. But I don’t want to do that. Those people can’t do anything for me. I already had more former manager suggest me some jobs. I probably only got as far as I did with Vecna cause I mentioned his name when I applied. But even then I didn’t feel great doing that. I don’t want to beg anyone to give me a job. And I don’t want to drag anyone down when I do get hired cause of them and then my employer realizes that whoever referred me fucked them over cause I suck so bad. And I know they don’t want to help me. I wasn’t a good intern or assistant researcher. They’re not going to want to deal with me.
I had to call my mom to ask about some tax stuff and I slipped how miserable I was. I can never bother to try to fake being happy. Never saw the point of it. But sometimes I feel like I’m just subconsciously begging for someone to intervene. Which I find kinda pathetic. She of course got worried but I just told her I had a long day and left it at that. Then she texts me at like 6 in the morning when I working about how much she loves me and to talk to her etc etc etc. Again I just tell her I had a long day and that I love her and that seemed to placate her. I know most people would kill to have that kind of support and I should appreciate it more. I guess that makes me a bastard that I don’t. I just don’t want to talk to them. Talking about it won’t solve anything. Pointless empty platitudes won’t change my situation.
By Saturday I feel like I calmed down a bit. I wasn’t feeling the dread as hard. I was acclimating. But I don’t want to acclimate either. Acclimating means becoming complacent. It means accepting your situation and standing still. It’s already bad enough that I haven’t worked up the motivation to apply for jobs as hard as I was a few weeks ago. But accepting being a technician is just… I can’t do it. I’d rather blow my brains out than allow myself to be ok with never reaching my purpose. So there really is no solution. I don’t have what it takes to get what I want and I don’t have the stomach to accept where I’m at. That’s why my brains screams at me to just die already. It’s a no win situation so I’m leaving the game early.