In the absence of humanity, drugs

Dec 15 was the last time I hit my drug stash, the hard stuff. Before that it was Nov 7. Before that it was every week and before that, every day.

Drugs aren’t the problem; life is the problem. I’m reading the book “War and War” by Krasznahorkai who describes the main character, suffering delusions that his head is literally about to fall off, being forced into a sketchy but inevitable path due to everything behind him burning up in flames. No choice. It’s essentially fatalism but fatalism by elimination. When all other “destinies” burn up, you end up with the only “destiny” left intact.

I’ve long, long, long given up on people. I’m not even talking about a soulmate, I mean I’ve given up on people relating to me, just as surely as they’ve given up on me relating to them I’m sure. Isolation is inevitable amongst creatures who think independently because by definition that means each mind will find its own independent path.

How many times do you find yourself hiking in the woods, looking over and seeing some stranger walking in exactly the same direction, same speed, same destination as you? I count never. And if you add to the scenario a raging forest fire & total panic situation which is the best way to describe my life, now what are the chances?

And suddenly in the middle of this raging forest fire there’s a random bottle of pills. These pills will launch me into the sky for a couple hours, long enough to get a breah of air above the smoke, before dropping my ass back into the blaze. Maybe one of these times my head will finally fall off.