It went exactly how I expected it to go. Or how I knew it would go at least. I had two conversations that lasted maybe a minute each. Both women seemed somewhat uncomfortable by me. I played two games of smash melee and then I left. That was around 150 bucks if you include the ticket, parking, going to do my hair, the over priced burger and fries I bought there, etc. I knew it wouldn’t work. It never works. But I deluded myself into trying anyways. Or at least say that I’d try and then just sit there staring at everyone else talking. I don’t know how to talk to people. Unless there is a reason for me talking to them, I won’t. Finding them attractive or because I’m lonely isn’t a valid reason. Doing things for work is a valid reason. Doing things for research is a valid reason. Needing help on CLARA is a valid reason. Relationships have never been a valid reason for me.
As depressed as I always am, why do I find myself generating delusions in my head. I was excited for this mixer. I kept imaging find the person who I could talk to. Finding someone who would want to talk to me. Having an interesting conversation. Getting a girls phone number. Hell even having a one night stand or something. Something extreme like that. Extreme for someone who doesn’t talk to people. I know what reality is. I said yesterday as I was having these delusions: 2 conversations, 2 minutes total, a few games of smash. That’s all that would happen. I knew it. So why did I let my imagination run wild? Is it like a man dying of thirst? The very idea that there might be water if he just keeps going pushes him along. But after walking miles and miles in a desert he is again hit with the reality that he’ll just die out there. Are depressed people like us prone to getting carried away with hope because we get so little of it in our day to day lives? At what point does that thing in our head break and we feel no hope for anything anymore? Maybe it’s just me though. Maybe something is broken in me where my mind won’t commit to being depressed be rejects any sort of happiness. That’s why I said I don’t want to be happy. I don’t want to be sad. I just want off the ride. No more anything.
I knew I was going to play this song on the way home, but I forgot. Listened to a politics podcast instead.