I wasn’t as angry today. But I did feel dread. My advisor finally called me. Said “he’d keep his eyes peeled” and “good luck”, but not much else. Said the company was probably not looking to hire. I already conditioned myself to expect nothing. So I wasn’t as disappointed. But that was honestly my best shot. Now I’ve really got nothing. Can’t say I expected anything from him. Was never a good research assistant. Provided him nothing like papers or anything like that. So why would he help me out? Life is give and take and I have nothing to give so I have no right to take.
I looked up if I was legally allowed to buy a gun. Surely my hospitalization shouldn’t be that big a deal in Texas. Turns out it needs to be a court ordered hospitalization. Mine wasn’t court ordered. I went in semi willingly. Guns are as cheap as $300. I got that easily. It’s just a step by step thing. Probably will need to get licensed, but that shouldn’t be an issue. Texas. I need to carry this momentum with me before I change my mind or something. But I need to wait until the weekend. But why should I? It’s the only thing you can really control you know? The job applications are decided by someone else. The funding issue was decided by someone else. Every person who looked over me on those dating apps was a choice done by them, not me. Every single aspect of my life is dictated by someone else. You could argue that that’s not the case. That you have some control. But this one act is purely you. Nobody can take it from you. Nobody can tell you no. Nobody can reject you. It’s you rejecting everything else.