The present tense word meaning to injure or the injury. The spelling for the past tense of wind which means to twist and spiral. Wound up. In this case I’m using it in the sense of “wound up”.
Tomorrow the work week starts and I’m already getting wound up. My anger isn’t quite there yet and the dread hasn’t quite set in. But I know the second I step into that hell hole warehouse, my brain will be screaming. This can’t be the way things are. Hating 5 (in my case 4) days out of the week and feeling ok the other 2 (3) days isn’t some way to live. Yet most people in life do that. I googled how many people with a masters are underemployed and of course I hated the answer. Something like 60% or more are working a job that doesn’t use their degree. Most for years at a time. This only justifies my fears. I can’t do years. I’m fed up after 3 months. People would say that my situation doesn’t justify killing myself. I say what does justify it then? I know that I have failed my purpose and that’s all there is to it. There’s no other reason I need.
I ended up waking up at noon today. Last night I was tossing and turning and getting up. It was a fucking nightmare. Sleepless nights combined with 12 hour shifts are starting to wear me down more than usual. I “interviewed” with some research company yesterday. I say “interview” even though it was only an 8 minute call with an HR person. The went on about the position being on hold but certain people might be able to get in but she needs to talk to the team etc. etc. I’d have to talk to lead engineers if they even do agree to talk to me. If I get that far, that’s the part I fail at.
Don’t even have much steam to write my posts anymore. I feel like I have stuff to say, but it just doesn’t come out anymore. Maybe I’m getting close to mental shutdown? Or some sort of autopilot? Those people who just move through life like a ghost going and going until they die. I should be able to cut to the chase shouldn’t I?