I’m 55 yrs old and male…that makes me somewhat unique on this site. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a full, complete understanding and empathy for the younger people who post here.
Last August I suffered congestive heart failure brought on by the extreme stress of my job…yes the very job people kept saying I was lucky to have. While in the hospital for the heart failure it was determined I needed a quadruple bypass.  The surgery was done on Veterans Day last November. In spite of all of the reassurances that this was going to make me better and that I would feel better than I had in years, I am actually worse. I’m in chronic chest and back pain, and perpetually numb in my left chest area. I have no energy. I feel this has all just been for naught.
In January I started to get depressed. February and March were truely terrible. I’ve made mental journey’s into my past and remember the pain of growing up as the misfit in my family and at school. I was bullied so much that as a teenager I tried to kill myself by taking a bunch of my dad’s meds. I was home alone and all it did was make me sick. I’ve never told anyone about this.
I have no life savings thanks to a divorce a few years ago and know that I can’t survive on social security (if it’s still even around in 8 years). I have to go back into the hospital tomorrow for another procedure. I’ve decided that this is it. Regardless of what happens tomorrow I will not let another doctor touch me. I’m alone and no one will really miss me if i die on the table (except the insurance company who won’t be able to collect beacause I have no money).
Every night I cry and pray that God will just take me in my sleep and release me from this emptiness and aching. I’m so tired of being alone. I am a failure professionally and personally. I live and work very close to the Golden Gate Bridge…….the tempation is always there. It only takes 4 seconds to hit the water.
7 comments
I’m so sorry for you and the pain and misery that you feel. I hope you find peace. I hope you keep trying and dont give up.
I don’t know you. And I don’t know what things have all gone on aside from what you’ve explained. But, I’m truly sorry. And I hope that you don’t give up. I am feeling the same way…I just want to get rid of myself so the whole world doesn’t have to deal with me. But, in reality, doing this would only make things worse… I know people who have gone ahead and killed themselves without a second thought… They’re the reason I’m here actually. I found this through a Suicide help site… Whoever you are, if God hasn’t killed you then there must be a reason.. But if it is too late, then… I’ll pray for you.
I am 53. I have not had a heart attack as of yet..but have lost three of my siblings in the past couple of years..two brothers in the past year. My parents are dead, as well. My youngest son died of suicide on May 27.
Is there any way that you can get some help for your depression? You need to be careful with the medications they put you on for depression with your heart. It is strange that you mention the Golden Gate Bridge, as I just read an article online about a young man that actually jumped from the Bridge and survived. He broke his back when he hit and said that he fell some 25 stories down…a sea lion saved his life and pushed him up and kept him afloat until someone pulled him out…he had enough time to decide he did not want to die while he was falling. He is now trying to get barriers erected to stop people from doing that. No one can talk you out of your feelings of hopelessness or failure. I only hope that you will stay in here with these wonderful people..so honest..and find a way to talk about your feelings and know that you are not judged in here. I went through a terrible divorce and am having guilt for my son’s death..he had my wedding album on his bedside when he died…I was separated from his father and divorce took a long time. I moved away a year and a half into the divorce to attend University. I never returned, but had my kids as often as possible..summers here and I would go there for Christmas. My son was 28 when he took his life. I agree with tedkramer7, I hope you do not give up trying. Bypass patients often have problems afterward and many have changes of personality afterward with severe depression..I am not sure why this occurs, maybe not getting enough oxygen to the brain when on the bypass machine or mixture is not right..please talk with your doctor about this. He should know about these problems as they are quite common after a bypass. Please, please hang on and take care of yourself.
connee501
I hope you are well.
I remember in one of your comments to one of the posts made by one of suicideproject members you had said you could adopt her. I’m sorry for asking this question but I’m a bit curious to know if you really adopted her?
We have the Golden Gate fantasy and the ‘failure’ thing in common, you and I. Your sense of powerlessness and bondage to the body resonates, and I feel a peculiar virtual brotherhood for you and your situation, for what it’s worth.
I live in Mill Valley, right near the bridge, and every day I get solace from knowing that I could call a halt to this nonsense whenever necessary. Like you, I am a middle-aged male; like you, I have this complex over ‘failure’ and a perceived inability to rectify the situation. As a highly specialized former professor, I cannot find work I can do – and every day I feel more powerless, especially as the rejections from crap jobs I would never want continue to roll in. Right when my formerly devoted wife demands that we have a baby or she’s outta here. Every time I see a homeless person, I know that I’m one step away from that point – from happy intellectual to utter lost failure with no hope of recovery in the span of a year.
Here is the sense – the torture will continue and I cannot find a way to make it stop. I used to be a good person, and would very much like to die for someone who is loved or who has a chance of living a valuable life. But as we know, there are no bargains, and this is just more drama, more nonsense.
bayareaguy,
you are a fucking INSPIRATION, I’m 19 and I’ve never even considered what it would be like to have lived for 55 years through an awkward fucked up time in human history. You know what, here’s some bullshit advice you’ve heard before, You don’t have to please those around you. Really think about that, you have no obligation to those who surround you, anything that makes you feel trapped or enslaved is of human creation; not nature. And humans are all just as lost and fucked up as me and you both. So the things making you feel trapped are unjustified.
As for your body, that is nature. Your only true obligation, and the fact that human stress has caused it misery is really messed up.
Just know this: for sharing your thoughts and feelings you have my respect, for finding the courage to continue living you have my respect, and for making it 55 years in this place you have my respect.
YOU’RE THE FUCKING MAN KEEP ON TRUCKING
@tired_wanderer
I have adopted her. We are talking on text and email. She is an angel to me and she is getting stronger and better so fast. She is a fighter and she says she feels now that there is a purpose to her life. She is helping me, as well by talking to me about my son’s suicide. Thank you so much for asking..you are very kind to ask. Kindness is a much underated trait nowadays….but such a wonderful one. How are YOU doing, by the way? I am happy you are still here every time I come in here, I look for what you say and I hope for you to find happiness walking along your path.