Starving, but Living.

I haven’t eaten in 3 days now, the unbearable want to eat or drink has passed and I no longer feel hungry or thirsty. The lack of food and water has made my mouth extremely dry, I’ve been swishing water in my mouth and spitting it back out to keep from having my lips crack in a painful manner. I feel weak, every movement is slowly becoming a battle and I can feel every breath becoming more difficult. I feel peaceful though, strangely enough, I’ve come to peace with myself and I’m no longer afraid to pass. The most difficult part about waiting to pass for me is that my father lives with me in a small townhouse and the thought of leaving him rivals the pain in my stomach. He’s an older man, with a bright and cheery personality but my father has convinced himself that everything is fine, every time I have tried to reach out to him he has refused to listen or has brushed off my pleas and replaced them with words of his own. I feel guilty every time I look at him, and when he looks back and smiles at me he has no idea that I’m dying. I read a post earlier on here that a woman had written in hopes of saving us, but after reading her heartfelt words all I can remember is the first sentence “Think of who will find you”. There are people out there who have every reason to feel sad, the ones who suffer from loss, neglect and the ones who feel alone. The want to die is the most scariest feeling in the world, i’ve decided. It’s not something that anyone would wish upon a rival, or even an enemy. No one should have to feel like this and in those final moments before death you see what you’ve done in a different light, but it’s too late. I know all of this, and yet I sit here ready to die. Maybe everything will be alright in the end, I have 7 more days to live.