I’m a coward

I don’t even know if you could call me suicidal. I’ve never actually attempted it, but I have thoughts about killing myself so often. I’ve had an eating disorder for over a year, and over the past few months, I’ve started cutting. I feel depressed all the time now. I’m just never happy anymore, I make excuses so I don’t have to go out, and see people, I lie to my therapist, she thinks I’m getting better, when in reality, I have never felt more depressed in my life than I do right now. I have fantasies about slitting my wrists, or jumping in front of the subway, every time I go somewhere by subway.  I think about it so often, but I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. Is that normal? I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like I’m out of options