I’m drowning. I keep trying to come up for air – trying to find some hope, but no matter what I do, I’m being pulled under. And the reality is… it’s only a matter of time before I drown.
I’ve been trying so hard to tread water. But this ball and chain tied to my foot – this ball and chain of physical and emotional pain – it keeps pulling me down.
I do have a life jacket on. It’s composed of friends, my doctor, and my mental health counselor who all really want to help. But it just brings false hope. They don’t seem to realize that the weight of the pain is pulling me down faster than they can pull me up.
I am so tired of hurting. I can’t keep fighting the inevitable. Unless someone can physically remove the weight that’s relentlessly pulling me down – that constant pain that was once only physical, but now has also become so emotionally distressing – I know what’s going to happen sooner or later – I am going to drown.
Part of me feels so relieved to have accepted that, knowing my struggle will soon be over. But part of me wishes that if I would just hang in there longer, keep swimming with everything I’ve got, someone will find the right tool to free me from this fate. But even if I was set free, wouldn’t there be another ball and chain just around the corner?
I’m so tired of holding on to false hope. I’m choking on the water. I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t keep struggling to stay afloat when I’m being pulled down so forcefully. I am tired of trying. I am tired of fighting the inevitable.
Drowning is not the way I expected my life to end, but I didn’t put that heavy ball and chain on my foot. I didn’t ask for this. It’s just what life handed me. Life is so very cruel. But life always comes to an end, and that thought itself is comforting.
3 comments
Hey JennyA 🙂
Your post is very interesting. I’m not sure what it is that you are feeling or what exactly you may have been through that causes you to feel the way that you do, but I hope that for some reason, you can try to see the light at the end of tunnel (which is sometimes so hard to see when darkness fully covers the tunnel). I know that my writing encouraging or enlightening words may only fuel whatever it is that you are going through or feeling, but I can’t help but want to understand what you are going through. Perhaps if I can walk in you and some of the other peoples shoes for a day, I may be able to say the exact words needed to comfort you. But its so hard, because truth is I never will and no wise words will stop your pain. But I hope and pray that eventually something really great happens to you and that you experience all of the love, joy, peace, happiness etc. that this world has to offer. i have faith that one day your fate will change and you will see that there really is something better for you somewhere out there.
P.S. Your friends, family and doctor seems pretty nice. It’s amazing how everyone always wants to help but it never seems to lol. May peace be with you Jenny:) angeloflight91@hotmail.com (If you ever want to talk)
hi Jenny,
your stood out to me from the rest, but mostly because i’ve been through something so similar it felt like i was reading something i would of wrote when i was there. Although up til today, i really dont know what exactly got me there but i felt alone more than anything, i mean i had friends but i felt like i couldnt tell them anything or like they would give me pitty, and i wasnt looking for that. i didnt like being with anyone, i broke down alone i did a lot of things alone. I never felt like doing anything but lay down in the dark and my parents would give me nasty negative comments for being “lazy” which only made it worst but they didnt know. i spent quite a while like that, around 3 years actually and i’d always imagine what it would be like to just end it but i never did i just cut myself. it became a nasty habbit at one point, really nasty. Then this year my parents told most of my teachers to “help” me because my grades were suffering, since my mom had been diagnosed with “uncureadble” cancer. i felt worst because i had all my teachers trying to help but they asked me questions that made my feel like what i was feeling was an illness, it made me feel defected, or like i should be taken somewhere special. just recently we started going to church, and i know how this might sound cause i used to this church was dumb and didnt help or that god didnt care or couldnt help but after 2months of going (by force) i decided to “pray” and see if he did care. no more than about a month and a half or so i didnt feel that weight on me, the one that would constantly pull me down and isolate myself. so i prayed again for him to help me and the weight kept getting lighter so one day i decided to listen to the preaching and remeber the pastor saying that if your going to ask god for something ask for the whole thing not just parts of it, so i asked him to save me instead. i do not kid you, the whole weight was gone, i busted out crying, i was just sobbing. i dont know what you might be thinking about this but it really does work, i kid you not it does. Its been roughly six months since ive felt that weight, and i constantly thank god for it. I used to laugh when people said that god saved them from something, i just thougt it was luck but it happened to me. and i know it will happen to you too. I really hoped this helped, I’ve never been brave enough to say what ive been through but your story made me feel like i just had to tell you this 🙂
hey jenny i wanted to tell u sumthing tht the hope tht u r looking for is in christ he is wht ur lookin 4 all u need is him listen to this song by skilllet called the last night it will change ur life it changed mine my life is fucked up 2 if u ever want to talk contact me at rw06605@gmail.com im here for u. i have this quote for u tht jesus said he would never leave or forsake u. nd u r fearfully and wonderfully made god cn help u out of any whole trust me. ill tell u want my life has been like my father nearly killed my mum whn i was two he locked me in the closet everday for an hour he stole lot of money from my mums side of the family he rejects me i was held bck at skool ppl dnt like me girls reject me ppl who r think r my friends reject nd dont include me in thier lives there have been times where i jst cry for a couple hours at nite knowing hw pathetic my life has become so i knw hw u feel