It’smy son’s 17th birthday today. For his sake, for his birthday, I dragged myself out of bed to talk to him before he went to school. We were talking and laughing even though I was screaming inside with pain. He is such a handsome and wonderful young man, and the thought of leaving him without a mum is unbearable. At the same time, the thought of living on is equally unbearable. Nothing but pain. Who else is out there who lives _only_ in order to spare his/her loved ones the pain. My plan is still to kill myself in a few days, and today I will both pick up my son’s birthday present, and buy myself a helium tank – what irony. My insides feel like they are burning with hot coal, that’s how intense that pain is.
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Well, that’s not really irony, first off. Not to be an ass. It’s just morbid. I’m just going to say this as a youth who’s father attempted to kill himself by shooting himself in the head. Just be a man. You have responsibilities and are lucky to have those responsibilities. A reason to live is a commodity rarely afforded to people.
Normally I am apt to sympathize with people who want to kill themselves, it’s a terrible struggle for someone with nothing to live for to try and scrape by. But, you have a family that no doubt depends on you. You should try to find motivation in your depression. It’s a struggle for you to overcome as a man. Go back to some sort of primal survivalist instinct. Take it as part of the flaws of being human and embrace it. But don’t kill yourself.
I really hope you stay strong enough to fight through this pain. For yourself and for your son. Your son needs a mother. Think about the grandchildren you will never meet. Think about how hard it will be for your son to live without a mother to support him throughout his life. Many mothers walk out on their children for countless reasons, but your son has you, and from what you said, I can tell you love him dearly. Don’t leave your son, please seek help and fight through this. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. I am thinking of you <3 you are not alone.
hello my name is cody. when i was sixteen i walked into my house to see that my mother had ended her life. as a son i was devistated. i was left confused as to why she never even said bye or didnt say she loved me before she did. as im typing this i am sobbing. im not trying to make you feel sorry for me but to request that beforeyou make your choice please tell your son its not his fault and you love him dearly. it will make the loss of a mother a little bit easier because he has heard a goodbye or a last i love you. please give him what i never got.
Yes, I see the dilema, Abused. I know exactly what you mean, however others do not deter me from killing myself in the least. No one should exist for someone else. No one should only live to “serve” someone else. It’s up to you. Do you feel that the pain is worth being there as a mum? That’s what it really comes down to. Also, bound by the pain, how good of a mother are you? Don’t listen to any of that nonsense about “being a man.” That’s just a silly principle someone made up that has no real meaning and no practicality; especially if you don’t care for it. I’d like to hear you reply to this.
I like your response Tom, more people should defend like you do. Well done x
GOOD GRIEF!!
With the responses from these people: (Nyarlathotep, You are stronger than this, cody) – is it any wonder that this poor man never came back on here? He’s no doubt dead now and making this post was his last attempt at finding some understanding and possible help but these savage and ignorant people constantly do this sh1t on here of making already mentally tortured people even more tortured!! These people are the most cruel and IGNORANT people and most definitely should NOT be posting on this very serious website just to pass time in their own shit and ignorant lives.
HERE HERE!! This place just seems to attract these vultures that have nothing to do put preach their egotistical ignorance on to the vulnerable to give their lives ‘meaning’ selfish bastards, it really makes me sick. They literally may as well go and stomp on a dying man’s head.
Hey folks, “abused” is alive as far as I am aware and I couldn’t agree more with the comments on people attacking other peoples posts. I have seen so much of this in the short time I have been on here.
Oh yeah FYI – “Abused” is female – hence saying about leaving her son without a mum – if your going to slate posts at least read them properly first.
I don’t know what the solution is to this constant problem. This is a public forum and so of course (ignorant) people use that as some form of excuse to say what they want to whom they want. This sort of person can’t make any rational decisions of decency even if it involves a person life or death. I agree that it is highly egotistical, they are so consumed with their own sad stories that they truly believe that entitles them to ‘advice’ (or in these cases viciously attack) another person.
It’s so painfully sad.
Art – check your post from the other day also….
Time: Hi, I can’t see my post anymore, how to I bring it up? (sorry to sound dumb) don’t think I’ve quite got to grips yet with this site :-/
s’ok, try this…
http://suicideproject.org/2010/08/am-i-going-insane/
not sounding dumb at all, takes a bit of navigating as there are so many posts 🙂
Wow, what a discussion. Just to assure everybody, I am still alive, and thanks to some very good comments have at the moment at least every intention of staying so. Thanks especially to “time”, I think you saved my life. I will be back later, I’ve gotta go now as friends are coming over.
Me again. If I don’t post for a while it’s because I am probably in a very different timezone from most of you – I think – I am 8 hours ahead of GMT. Cody, I am so, so sorry about what happened to you. Even in my darkest moments I never imagined to go without a goodbye note, an explanation, and an assurance that I loved my sons/husband/friends. And I would have made _very_ sure that they would not be the ones to discover my body.
Tom Davies, I do get what you mean, it is terrible only to live for someone else, and I have been doing this now for about a year, where I have _only_ stayed alive because I have two sons. I know what I am talking about, but I don’t think it is wrong, it is part of what makes me human, it just sometimes is very very hard and painful. When I am in a lot of pain I also know that I am not the best mother, you have a point there, but I have made sure over the years that my boys are embedded in a network of good friends. And after most black days or weeks I do surface and can be there for them again, whereas once I am dead I never can do so again.
Nyarlathotep, I already know I have responsibilities towards my family. When you have children, you become responsible for their wellbeing, I put them into this world, it is not my right to desert and hurt them like this.
In understand both sides of this discussion. I accept that I have a duty to continue to live for my children, but I also am compassionate and understanding for anybody (including myself) whose ability to cope might run out. Depression, PTSD, etc can be so painful that it overrides all else.
Compassion and understanding help, accusations don’t.
For the moment, I am glad that the darkness has lifted enough that I have shelved my plans. I will cancel tomorrow my order for the helium, to reduce temptation, maybe I can even get my money back 😉 not that that is important in the bigger scheme of things.
I am not well by a long shot, if it was not for my kids I would still go ahead with it without a seconds hesitation. But, as it is, I have to hang in there for a bit longer.
All my best wishes to you who struggle similarly!
A lot of people hate me. They all called me an attention wanting selfish vulture. And if you go to the posts called “Listen Guys” on page “4” and “G1974” on page “9” –Some guy named David1 really attacked me and two other girls. All because I said I was a little jealous of splinter. I mean here he is making a difference and here I am, just boring old me sitting on my ass at the computer. But I wrote an apology about it saying that I was sorry, but I never said anything bad about him. I just said he was the talk of the site and I didnt know why. And then a crap load of people start attacking me and calling me a vulture and a selfish *****. One girl even said that my attitude was making her depressed. I dont even really know what I did to make her depressed. And if I did I was sorry. I admit I was dramatic when I said I wanted to stab myself but I apologized for acting like a crazy *****(I REALLY dont want everyone here to hate me and Im not trying to complain or be a ***** but heres what the People from the “Listen Guys” comment page wrote this:
Worthlessgirl: How can you come on here and offer advice to anyone? You who screamed at everyone that you are going to ’stab yourself repeatedly’ and moaned and moaned about someone getting ‘more attention than you’??
Someone like you gives people on here a bad name – you’re just a selfish and f@cked up b1tch, who tries to make good people feel guilty just for being themselves. I mean the SH1T you caused coz you wasn’t ‘getting enough attention’ on here and making good people feel bad coz they didn’t stretch themselves even further. You then make claims such as ‘I am going to stab myself repeatedly’ so that you PURPOSELY make those GOOD people feel bad. You had no intention of killing yourself, you just wanted to upset people AND you make a mockery of those on here who really do feel bad enough to kill themselves. Spiteful cow. You project your crap onto good people. And you have the audacity to come on here and do it all over again.!!!
PLEASE go away and find someone/somewhere else to project your hateful sh1t.
and the girls from “G1974”:
Worthlessgirl: The levels of a persons depression or suicidal feelings does not outweigh anyone else’s – but there is no need to ***** about the ‘attention’ someone else is getting and forcibly try to steer that ‘attention’ onto yourself (the very fact that you use that term to describe people’s reactions to someone just highlights exactly how you perceive this sight, and not the fact that it is here to help people not give merely ‘attention’).
I feel for your troubles, I really do, but I don’t care for your behaviour, it is depressing me, thanks! I notice that you yourself are talking more about Splinter in YOUR posts than anyone else is, only you’re talking negatively. You say this post is supposed to be people caring for each other etc – well heed your own advice girl.
You’re embarrassing yourself.
I guess it was only a matter of time before the vultures loomed for the leftovers.
Yeah, I guess I am the talk of the site now. Im now known as the selfish vulture attention-wanting ***** who forcebly tries to steer the attention off others to have it for my own. I want to make it clear that: I am NOT here to get attention, I just wanted peoples advice on my story on how to keep myself alive. All I wanted to do was at least try to make a difference, so on the “Listen guys” I was defending someone and giving advice and I guess I took it too far, I dont know, but I was only trying to change my ways of being a selfish *****. So I’m sorry if I hurt anyones feelings on here or made them feel worse, because that was NEVER my intention. I just wanted people to like me. But I guess I tried to hard. So to all the people who read this im really sorry for hurting your feelings if I did. Thats all I wanted to say. I kinda feel worse about myself but I dont care as long as everyone else is okay. 🙂
Im posting that as an apology. I really am sorry…