I’m pathetic. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I doubt anyone will ever read this, but if so, I just want to know…
…Currently I’m going through a state of pure isolation and depression, I have no future left for me, and a past I desperately wish to forget.
I have no life at all, no reason to continue pursuing one, and all the mistakes I’ve made and the opportunities I’ve missed out on haunt my every night.
Sometimes, when I’m in bed at night trying to sleep, I desperately pray to God to please let me redo my life, let me wake up in the past, to start again, to fix all my errors, amend my false judgments. I awake to the same nightmare we call “life” every time, feeling worse than the previous day.
I don’t even believe in a God, yet I still pray, I’m that desperate, there’s nothing left for me. The only thing that could save me is some sort of magical intervention. I can’t do it myself, it’s too late for me.
I am becoming progressively worse and worse as time goes on, trapped within a downward spiral of self-loathing, and the only entity at fault here is me. I’m the only one who should be suffering, and I am. But I can’t take it anymore.
I’m even too much of a coward to kill myself, as if I weren’t pathetic enough already. And even if I wasn’t, I can’t bare to think what my parents would think if I was able to, though they’re the only people I feel would actually care. I have no friends, no skills, nothing. The crippling loneliness and constant reminders of my failures are what crush me the most.
My birthday is arriving very soon, I’ll be 18, I’m getting too old to be as useless as I am. I don’t want to burden society with my this empty vessel I call a body any longer, I’m practically dead anyway.
It seems to be a common thought that everyone has a chance at life, that you shouldn’t give up, and it’s never too late. And so I present to you my case, to break that thought. Anyway, my question is:
Why should a man with no future, no present, and a past full of only mistakes, continue with life?
If anyone actually took the time out of their life to read this, well thank you very much for hearing me out.
16 comments
Why should a man with no future, no present, and a past full of only mistakes, continue with life? Answer is ~ Because he wants to. Everybody wants to live i guess.. Sometimes we yell about dying because we can’t tolerate the setting we r in nor we believe to possess the ability to change it. stop muttering that u r pathetic. u have a past full of mistakes…then u have enough experience to make ur future less buggy. have no future…then u can draw anything in that blank page. wake up from ur gloomy dream… TAKE CARE.
It’s a bad situation
When you talk about wanting to go back and make changes, you are describing a past, your past.
When you worry about what your parents will think, you are describing a future, your future.
At 18 you really do have your whole future ahead of you.
You are describing symptoms of depression and maybe someone can help.
At your age young people are busy trying to create an identity for themselves, your soul searching is pretty normal so don’t be so hard on yourself!
Giegue, you are only 17! I can’t believe you have had time to make all that many mistakes! You should consider my life…50 years old, bipolar, and with a long history of disastrous manic breakdowns and their awful consequences littering my past!
Having said that I know how real your feelings are to you, and how much it can suck when you are young and relatively unfamiliar with the feelings you are having. I agree with The Guardian that you are essentially describing the symptoms of depression which is a condition I wouldn’t wish on my own worst enemy. I feel deeply for anyone who has to endure it while still so young.
You seem to have empathy for your parents, recognising that they would be badly affected by your suicide. This shows that you are probably quite attached to them, and is a healthy response…some young people hate their parents or are just indifferent and would think nothing of the hurt their death would cause.
You say you have no skills, but from the way you write it is clear you are a thoughtful young man with quite a facility with words. You have described your situation quite vividly and articulately. That is a skill.
If you think about it hard enough I am sure you can pinpoint other skills you have learned in your seventeen years. And you have plenty more learning time ahead of you. Your life is so very far from over. Your past may be haunting you and that is common with depression but the reality is your future is full of possibility and that’s where you need to turn your thoughts now.
Take courage giegue. Small, small steps. Zoe x
Sweetie, you’re just starting at life. At 18 any mistakes you’ve made are minor and meaningless in the big scheme of things. You’re facing depression though and it’s brutal thing to deal with. I hope you soon find a way to fight it and get rid of it.
Louise50, I’ve had to also deal with manic episodes and their post disasters. Have had all kinds of irreversible loses because of them and all types of regrets for the things I did while on that state.
I’m 21 and I feel the same way you do! It’s like you were reading my mind when you wrote this post. My only advice I can give you is stop looking to change the past and stop looking for some giant change for the future. Deal with what’s in front of you as best you can and maybe in 3 years you’ll be telling some 18 year old how to survive as best they can too
@ black&blue,
Thank you for your time and comment.
I suppose in a sense, you are correct, naturally a human has the will to live. It’s just that recently I’ve been losing that will, and my mind has reacted by systematically disassembling my entire psyche, and reassembling it in a form capable of nothing other than self destruction.
I’d love to think of my future as a blank slate like that, like it’s something I can influence, but I can’t shake the feeling that I have no control over it. Though, I suppose I haven’t completely given up yet, I can still try.
@ the Guardian,
Thanks for taking your time to read this.
It’s just that I have this nagging feeling that it’s already too late, that I can’t change myself. And in my current state, I’m going nowhere fast. But I suppose if I try to look at it that way, maybe I can keep optimistic
Yes, I think I do have some form of depression, I’ve been medicated before, but that was many years ago, I’m no longer on medication. I’d get help, but I have a bit of an issue with doctors and medication, not sure what it is, but I just find it incredibly hard to actually reach out for help. Hopefully I can shake these issues and seek aid in the future.
I know people are saying you’re just 17 and all but I feel your pain. I too am 17 and will be 18 in two weeks or so, and I really feel like there is just nothing going for me. I feel like a burden to my parents, and dealing with this depression jsut makes me feel like, I need to be gone to make things better. For myself and everyone. I cry every night, hoping and begging that things get better. Only for the next day to come and everything be the same. I’ve contemplated suicide, I was scared too, luckily three movies changed my mind. Hang in there, we can make it through this
@ louise50,
Thanks for taking your time to hear me out, and leaving your comment.
Ah, yes, I can understand where you’re coming from. Along with a good portion of my mother’s side of my family, I’ve experienced symptoms resembling bipolar disorder, though I’ve never been properly diagnosed. I suppose if you’re able to have dealt with these situations, I can look up to that, and hopefully overcome mine as well.
It’s reassuring to see that you guys can understand my situation. And I as well would never want any other being to experience depression like this, which is why I usually keep it bottled up inside, I don’t want to push my problems onto others. And sadly, yes, this affliction has been influencing me since a fairly young age (didn’t start getting serious until 15 though), which makes it all the more challenging to suppress.
Yes, I’ve always been close to my parents, which is one of the reasons my situations hurts me the most. I care about them, and they care about me, but I can’t find it in me to care about myself. If I continue life, I feel like my weakness and sorrow will only disappoint them, but I can’t give up either, for similar reasons.
Thank you very much for your kind words. Actually, I’d say I’m usually pretty awful at accurately explaining things, but I guess the severity of this topic is what pushed me to attempt to state my situation as clearly as possible. Not sure if I could ever do it again though, haha.
I think you may be right, I just need to forget about this mess of a life I’ve had over these past years, focus on what I can do, and look towards what I can still have. It’s just really hard, but I suppose if I can’t do anything else, I must at least try to reestablish my will to live, as long as I have that, I can get through this.
Again, thank you very much for your time.
@ Black Swan,
Thank you for reading this and commenting.
Yeah, I guess when you look at it like that, it may seem like I’m exaggerating, but some of these mistakes I’ve made over these years will inevitably affect most of my life, such as dropping out of high-school, or choosing to socially isolate myself. It’d be incredibly hard get back into a normal situation when I’m so far behind like this. Though, I must thank you for your words, and your hope, every bit counts.
@ justwhatiam,
Thanks for taking your time to respond.
Heh, I guess I’m not completely alone then, though I hate to think there are others going through my situation.
I’ll try my hardest to heed your advice, and hopefully I will overcome this situation. The thought of someday being able to help someone else going through the same thing is nice, hopefully I can use that to push myself to change.
@ forlorn1,
Thank your very much for reading my post and commenting.
It’s very reassuring to hear that I’m not alone in this situation (despite how lonely I feel), I’ve never really had anyone to relate to before. I do feel the exact same way that you do, pretty much word for word, your comment applies directly to me. I’m really glad to hear that you no longer contemplate suicide, I just hope you can overcome all of your other issues as well.
I’ll try to stay strong, for both our sakes. If you can do it, I need to at least try as well.
You’ve all been incredibly helpful, I want to take my time to thank you all for going through my massive post, and relaying your thoughts.
Just that you all took your time to do this, really means a lot to me. At first glance, the internet appears to be filled with hatred and ignorance, but after seeing all this, it seems there are a lot of great people around. The fact that strangers are so willing to help those in need is just remarkable. You guys are really great.
I’ll try to keep all of your wisdom in mind, I think it will help me a lot.
You’re welcome, and yes there are many people here to help. I’ll tell you, I personally feel safe here and this site has made me feel a little bit better. I hope it does the same for you! <3
@giegue,
i know this doesn’t necessarily help or change anything, but i swear, i am feeling the exact same way, almost everything you said applies to me. you are not alone. i promise. wow. i feel the exact same way. its really scary.