I’m feeling worse every day. With every breath I feel emptier. I’m doing a lot of shit for trying to survive, because I’m hurt and empty and that fucks me. That’s why I’m so self-destructive. My strategy for survive every day makes me feel more empty, but calms my pain temporarily. I don’t even know why I am hurt. I mean, my whole life is so normal, my family problems and all that stuff are really common. Everybody have problems and I think I’m too dramatic so I hate myself for that. No one fucking cares, I talk about all this with a few friends and they also can watch how self-destructive I am and they don’t do anything. I feel so insignificant. My strategy for living is: promiscuity, cigarettes and art. But I use promiscuity and cigarettes more than art. I’m thinking all the time about how to cause me some illness. I drink a lot of water after I eat expecting vomit, and it works sometimes. I like hitting myself and I’m always dreaming with hitting myself so hard that I start vomiting blood. I dream with causing me overdoses just for getting really sick. I don’t do it because, about hitting, I’m too weak and about the overdose it’s because my parents could get notice. I don’t want that they know, ’cause they can help me. I feel bad. Think something is wrong inside my mind. I’m becoming in some kind of slut, I’m not even attractive but I do anything just because I feel empty. I’m even getting a little worried about my own behavior. This is cruel and selfish, but I want to kill myself while pregnant. I don’t want to survive. If I survive I want to grow up for being a prostitute or an addict. I hope with that I could die earlier.
Please, if you’re going to comment don’t come to fuck me because of the shit I write.
2 comments
I’m glad it’s not posthumous. I read your entry the other day about your family, particularly your grandfather or uncle or whatever. I admit that you have been through experiences that I have never encountered, so I can’t offer you any advise based on experience in those matters. I can say that reading about others who have problems offers me solace at times. I admire you for your strength and courage and at such a young age. I think that if you hang in there, you are bound to obtain whatever it is you are seeking from life. You are definitely a fighter and I think your entries give more inspiration to others, than you realize.Many, many of us engage in relationships and actions that we know are bad for us, out of a need for acceptance and compassion and love. If you’ve made mistakes and some of them are permanent…join the club. I know sometimes life seems hopeless, but I bet there have been times when you felt better by reading another post on here, or having someone on this site listen to your problems, so you kinda’ owe us that. :)Hang in there. And if you would like to talk and I’m not on here, try:http://www.facebook.com/nolenthebeckoningIt's the facebook page for my book, but I’m on there much more than here. Again, I commend you for your courage, thus far.
@Nolentwohundred: (don’t know how to reply correctly the commentaries) Wow, I almost cried reading your comentary. No one have ever talked to me this way. Do you think I’m strong? I always thought that I’m the most coward person in the world because I want suicide. As I wrote, I think all that I’ve been through is common or really soft. I would love to talk to you, I dying for talking to someone, but I never use my facebook account (I started to hate social networks). Thank you, a lot. I feel a little better now. But I still think I’m weak.