I have been lurking on this site for a while, and a few months ago I began to post some of my own thoughts here. Within a short span of time this site has begun to play a very important role in my everyday life. It has generated a wide-range of emotions from me, especially the SP-Chat.
Through this place I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life while at the same time it has caused me much emotional and mental anguish. I’ve become quite addicted to visiting this site, reading posts, hearing the ideas and emotions people are expressing and learning from them. I’ve begun to form bonds with some of these people and often I forget the true purpose of this place: to discuss our own deaths. I’ve begun to see some of these people as friends, which only leaves me in more hurt and frustration when I am unable to properly help them with their struggles. I am unused to any company at all, so naturally I am unaccustomed to their departure as well.
It pains me to see them leave, which is irrational, for that is the very purpose of this place. To learn and share feelings and then to move on with whatever they have decided. Whether that be living life with new found inspiration, finding the strength to get help or finally deciding that death is the only thing that will relieve them of their hopelessness.
Sometimes I wish I could leave this place, but I crave the knowledge, comfort and solace this site often gives me. It has become my crutch – something to lean on when I am hurt – but at the same time it has slowly begun to cripple me.
I read a comment here sometime ago: “Trust is easy to build online but it’s unreliable- in real life you have to work to get trust, and that’s how it should work because that’s how you know it’s real. It’s easy to love and care for someone online when you don’t have to deal with them every day.†If only I possessed the ability to relate and talk to people in real-life!
“Take it from me, getting attached to these people will only end in disaster because they can and will drop you like a dead weight as and when they feel like it.â€
I’ve realized how truly isolated I am from the world outside of SP. Unable to express myself properly without the use of the internet as a medium. I have no social-skills what so ever and only ever use vocal words when my job(s) demands it of me. This is not a “Woe-is-me†scenario, it is purely my fault I have no one to connect and talk to. I am unable to trust or relate to people and quick to push them away. I’m sullen and hostile when in the presence of another human being. I wish I weren’t. I am inadequate social material. In any kind of relationship, be that friendship or beyond requires a balance. I’m quite good at demeaning myself which really only ever creates an imbalance of power and tension with others. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly derogatory towards themselves and hopelessly pessimistic.
6 comments
You’re an amazing person online, and what you think, the way you express yourself is closer to who you are than any real-life exchange could define.
Internet relationships (even here) are just as valid and real as any other relationship. The distance between two people is a constant that does not change, be it in person, or from miles away, mediated by electronic devices.
If you want to relate to people in a more healthy way (if you feel you don’t now), then that is one step in the right direction.
I’ll be amazed if any of that makes any sense at all. I need to sleep for a week before trying to string thoughts together. 😛
“No one wants to be around someone who is constantly derogatory towards themselves and hopelessly pessimistic.” Thats me in a nutshell.
i see your points
The strange thing about communicating with people online is that you get to know them “from the inside”. You can’t read facial expressions or body language, you can’t hear tonal inflections in peoples’ voices when they speak. You can’t make eye contact. People convey their innermost thoughts through the written word. I think that level of anonymity can allow people to be honest in a way that is impossible in real life; it can also create an illusory sense of comfort because the “people” who “get you” are nothing more than pixels on your computer screen.
The people writing the words that you read probably are flesh and blood human beings. (I don’t think the reptilians have gotten to this site yet). But they’re people you will more than likely never meet, who have their own obstacles to overcome. This site is called Suicide Project-chances are this isn’t a haven for the well adjusted.
I guess if you’re able to glean some sense of comfort, camaraderie, or relief from coming here, then you’re doing allright. I’ve been here for awhile and I still haven’t figured this place out yet. I’ve also tried to leave, but this place is a quagmire; it’s like an online Bermuda Triangle. Whatever. Best wishes.
Lucy that was well put.
I wouldn’t know