I’m home alone, the only thing I can hear is the clocks ticking and my heart beating. that’s not entirely true, I hear my thoughts. my awful thoughts that tell me that I’ve had enough. the thing is I’m scared to give in. I’m scared to give up.

I was watching a movie with my family the other night, and I remember what one of the characters said to another, “Fear is what keeps us alive” right about now, I’m assuming that’s true. that’s the only thing keeping me alive. I want to die, but I’m afraid of what will happen to everyone else. leaving behind everyone I love to live with the fact that I committed suicide.

I remember my god-mother told me once, that “suicide is for cowards” I asked her why she thought that.she told me that her niece had committed suicide a few days before her university graduation. they didn’t even go to her funeral!

when she told me that, I was astounded, and I immediately got upset about that, she then told me that “god doesn’t like suicide”

So. I don’t know where I’m going with this story, my mind is in two different places. my mom is kind of hovering over my shoulder. so I can’t complete the first thought.

but, When my god mother told me that, I started to hate her. who thinks like that? “suicide is for cowards, we (her family) don’t honor that kind of death”

but yeah, I guess Fear as of right now, is the only reason why I’m still here. still breathing. still alive.