Hi, my name’s John. I’ll have to start from the beginning for this to make sense.
I’ve been suicidal for a while. I’m 18 now, and I’ve been thinking about killing myself since I was about 16. See the thing is…I think I may have screwed myself over.
It started off with the usual stuff, depression, thoughts of suicide, we’ve all heard the initial story. So anyway I got put on medication, 20 milligrams Lexapro for about 2 weeks. No change at all. I also got set up with a therapist, but I wasn’t learning anything that I hadn’t already analyzed myself so I cut the sessions off. A week before I ended things with the therapist, I started cutting myself. First it was light cuts on my left arm and right leg, but eventually at one point I was literally stabbing my butterfly knife through the first layer of skin on my leg and dragging it across. I got, for some reason, happy and possibly a feeling of relief when I saw the blood gushing down my leg. I did this every two nights for about a 2 weeks. The scars are still there, but I’m not surprised and I don’t really care.
Then I tried to kill myself. not pills, not hanging, I don’t have access to a gun or i’d almost certainly be dead by now. I slit my left wrist. While this may seem inadequate, my plan was to slice open the initial layer of skin and thread a bicycle pump needle in between my tendons into the artery in my wrist. I got past the initial skin layer…there was a lot of blood even then…I remember smiling, the pain washing over me and I felt relaxed. I saw a bit of membrane or muscle…couldn’t tell which for sure…pulsating with the artery just underneath it. I took the needle and tried to stab it into the artery, but it hurt so much that I almost blacked out before I gave up, slit my wrist some more, and lay there on my bed with my blood soaking the carpet to the left of my bed.
since then, i’ve been obsessed with death. Also my emotions: gone. Most of my family sucks, but I like my dad and if he died tomorrow I know I wouldn’t shed a damn tear. so again. I hate this. What the hell is happening? does this get any better?
9 comments
Give it some more time. Antidepressants take more than two weeks to work. So does counselling. In the first two week you are just getting to know each other. I always thought I knew everything about myself, yet I learned so much. It takes months though rather than weeks, longer still sometimes.
As far as your numb emotions, that too is part of being deeply depressed. Once your depression lifts, that too will go and you will be able to feel again. I’ve been there! I know it feels horrible, but there is every chance it will pass.
thanks, but I went to the therapist for about 2 1/2 months and i didn’t get anywhere 😛 ah well
Try a different therapist, they are not all the same. I had a really lousy one years ago, and I think he actually gave me some very bad advice, which made matters worse. The psychologist I am seeing now is brilliant, and was recommended to me. Maybe someone you trust can recommend someone to you. Just don’t give up, please 🙂
life is better then it seems. you have something to live for. think about your family and think about your friends. think of people you love. ending your life is not all that great. ive been through hell and back more than once and i can tell you life will get better i just got off my anit-depressants even though i still have thoughts and i see two different councilors they will help you. you just have to put trust in them.. im in college getting my masters for counciling…and i know i can make a difference in someones life even if its talking to them just once.
Hey John, the name is David. You’re tough as nails kid and it’s going to get easier. Truth is you’re probably just going to get tougher. You don’t have to, you can be whoever you want to be. But you need to identify when you’re feeling something that’s appropriate, and when the hurting starts out of nowhere. Focusing on pain is almost as effective as ignoring it, but you can only do either for so long. Physical pain isn’t the worst outlet. Just survive.
John, for anyone who spout the CRAP that life will get better – bull! I’m going to be straight with you! You’re 18 (that does not take from how you’re feeling, but it does help explain why you are filled with so much angst). You have not yet tasted life, and the bit you have tasted thus far has been bitter, and therefore you are afraid to taste anymore! I have no idea of your circumstances, or of your current state of mind, therefore I can’t tell you it will get better, but I CAN tell you, you are not going to die, not today, not tomorrow, not anytime soon. You have no choice but to live… so choose, make a choice. Do you want to just exist within the confines of your body, or do you want to gain maximum experience from life – that’s both the good AND the shit!
OK so we’re stuck with the fact that you’re living, so what are you gonna do? You have a nickname indicating a desire for military service… why not excel at that? f**k it’s one sure fire way to have a good shot at ending your life! What are your goals/ambitions? Do you want kids? a partner? a good friend? You’ve proved you’re not stupid, you seem to know your anatomy fairly well… so you have potential.
Can I ask you something John… when you sliced into your wrist, did it take away your pain or add to it? Trust me John I’ve been there, done that, have the scars to prove it, but yet I’m still here… and I’m not gonna lie, it sucks balls, but I AM here and as a result I have to make a choice… live life or simply exist… because trust me even if I feel onto a cyanide capsule – i’d be the poor unfortunate unlucky one, who’d survive!!!
Look John, I can only tell you some harsh truths, ones people skirt around with boolocks of life getting better, and oh isn’t life wonderful if only you tried harder… but the reality is, LIFE IS BLOODY HARD and for the most part it hurts like hell… but look for the moments that don’t, and they can only be found when you choose LIFE! I DEMNAD to hear from you John, that in a few years you’ve dragged your sorry ass to college, you’ve graduated with honors and you’re kicking ass in your chosen field, because if you could apply the determination you have to destorying yourself into something creative, trust me, I’m looking at the next creator of ‘facebook’ or the nest Bill Gates!
Come on John, what do you say… and fuck it, if that fails… there’s always booze, drugs and hookers… but hey at least your still alive! 🙂
hey i can help you out. Your about three years older, but i think i can help. I was like you, almost like u. But, if you just need to talk, heres where you can contact me
huyhuy121@aim.com
marine, i can’t say i can identify with you, since we come from two different situations, but i do want to ask you why you are suicidal? Is there anything you can change to make things better? It is worth it if you can change it may be harder than you can believe but it would be worth it!
If i had the chance to change i would take it! You may be luckier than some of us, take advantage of that.
I won’t suggest therapy or medication or any of that bullshit because i have been through that and it is very fake.
And i don’t know you besides what you have said you sound extremley depressed, one thing that made me happier for awhile but was unexpected was going to a mental hospital, where i actually made a friend that had cut his main artery in his arm while he was in solitary in prison and just to have friends who you can relate to and really talk to made a lot of difference for me, maybe it could for you as well?
Though it would be taking a chance.. you might find someone there you can really relate to. Or it could really suck, i have been there a few times over severe depression and anger and it all depends on who is there with you, not the workers or the garbage therapy, lol.
Anyways i hope this helps i really hope things get better for you and you can find happiness
SandraD77 – thanks a lot that really helps 🙂 and yes cutting, short term, took away some of the pain but overall I think it may have added to it, though i’m not completely sure
Caleb87 – yes i’ve thought about doing that buut my parents don’t know about my attempt and I really don’t want them to.
everyone else, thanks for you advice!