I’m going into this thinking that I’ll seem stupid or that people are going to shit on me. Trolls seem to exist everywhere and they’re probably on this site too. Also, I ostensibly have a great life, and if/once I can manage to get my act together, I’ll probably be a very happy and successful man. No history of sexual abuse, no awful violence, little to no economic hardship, etc. I went to a good college and, until recently, was in decent jobs that provided me with living wages. Under the surface, though, I feel like I’m losing my head and I’m not sure what I’m capable of doing.
I’m not entirely sure what happened, but as long as I can remember, I’ve been unhappy and felt like I was near-obsessed with killing myself. I was unhappy enough when I was 10 that I told my parents that I needed to see a psychologist. Since then, things have been so chaotic in my head that everything feels like such an unnecessary battle. I was diagnosed at age 19 with low-grade depression and anxiety, but I wonder if it’s worse than that. Again, things haven’t gotten so bad that I let things get too bad, but a lot caught up recently. A few weeks ago, in both my part-time jobs (one at a prestigious university center, and one at a prestigious foundation) I was confronted by my supervisor for focus and time management issues and put on probation. At one of the jobs, I resigned to avoid being fired. At the other, I may still get fired, I have my final review in a few days.
This is something I can definitely bounce back from, but I have problems at work in part because I’m so unhappy. At my desk, I spend a lot more time fucking around and thinking bout how much I hate myself that I can’t focus. It caught up IN THE SAME WEEK AT BOTH JOBS. Principally, I don’t really think about much other than how I could kill myself and how it would look. I’ve thought about it quite a bit since I was in high school. They often revolve around me writing a long, angry and detailed note that tells everyone who made me miserable why I was doing this. But don’t get me wrong, this isn’t just about revenge – after all, it’s not them who would give a shit, but my family and friends who would be totally devastated. I try my best to pull it together for them, but it’s really difficult.
At some level, I wish it were allowed for you to kill yourself for any reason at all. Liberals in this country (and I’m a liberal so I’m not hating on them) always spit the game of rationality over faith-based principles (with stuff like the abortion debate, birth control, etc.) so why wouldn’t they allow state-sanctioned, non-traumatic suicide too? They have something like that in Switzerland, though there it’s more restrictive. The government doesn’t want to fix the economy so that people can have worthwhile jobs, provide the things that people want so they can be happy and fix society so it can be damn-near perfect, so at the very least they should allow people who want to check out the right to do so. I’m not sure how disjointed this is, but that’s how I feel. I’m tired as hell. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. We’ll see.
7 comments
Good Morning SomeDuder,
Yes there is every chance that you will run up against trolls on this site…or any other for that matter…it’s life. For the most part we try to keep each other safe from that sort of thing…but even I have lost it a time or two…hahaha.
I suffer from a severe depressive disorder and GAD among many other things..haha…and it has been lifelong. Just a random question or 50? How old? M/F?
And have you had a recent event that would be considered traumatic either emotionally or physically? Just curious.
Here if you want to talk
Peace
Amakua
Amakua,
Thank you for reaching out, and sorry for the delayed response. And thank you for the reassurance.
For the record, I’m 23 and male, also a POC (of South Asian origin). As for recent events…I don’t know that there was some massive trauma that precipitated the depression. I was bullied when I was in junior high but I more or less got over that. For recent events, the confrontations from both bosses in one week was very intense, but I don’t know if I can call that traumatic because I wasn’t abused. About a year ago I had a herniated disc in my spine, which was really intense as well but again, I don’t know if it was traumatic.
I assume you have other questions? haha.
Thanks,
Sameer
Hey Sameer,
Old and slow here…good thing I’m not too embarassed to ask questions eh? So…what is POC…sorry. I dunno…there is usually something that precipitates the onset of anxiety and depression…whether trauma, fear,stress, illness or hell…even hormones…but you are a little old for atleast most of the latter…the sex hormones anyway…hahaha.
Okay another random question…haha…do you believe in God and do you affiliate yourself with any particular religion or culture…just trying to a) understand and b) not insult your beliefs. Also…do you believe in life after death? You might think these are random questions…but I usually have a reason for most of them. And last but not least…..have you recently lost someone? Okay…I think that’s it for now.
And no I’m not a cop…lol
Peace
Amakua
Amuka,
Thanks for the assurance. POC means “person of color.”
I figured that there’s something precipitating it, but I’m not sure what it is quite yet. I do believe in God, specifically in the Hindu faith although I’m not entirely well-versed in the scripture. I definitely believe in reincarnation. I recently lost my dog (about a year and a half ago) and there was another death in the family of someone not close to me, but a child who was distantly related to me and who I met once as an adolescent. But that was about a year and a half ago as well.
I really hope you’re not a cop or someone like that haha.
Sorry Sameer,
Lost my server last night…damn Rogers…ah well, I must have needed the sleep. Okay…maybe I should put that anacronym in my tool box…POC…hahaha. So what colour?…Just kidding…don’t really care actually…well unless you are orange or purple or such..hahaha. I would have asked my daughter if she was around…she would have rolled her eyes at me, sighed and asked, “Are you really that stupid?” But atleast I admit it. My daughter is a POC…hahaha.
Okay moving on…this is the feeling that I have…that there is something behind it…were you perhaps abducted by aliens? Just kidding…hahaha. But it really is strange. I know a young lady whose depression and suicidal ideation was precipitated by the loss of her cat…so I guess we could go with that one. Really…anything that makes you seriously question your own reality and the impermanence of life can be a trigger. Let’s just say that for the sake of argument that you had never really understood or even thought about death until your pet dies…then you realize that everything and everyone dies…and you realize that you are going to die someday too….but when? ahhhh…and what will it feel like? and what is the point in working towards a future that holds nothing but death. Okay…I’m gonna not grow up…and then I won’t have to worry about it. Or something like that? Don’t mean to trigger a panic attack…hahaha…but do you see what I mean?
The only other possible explanation I can come up with is perhaps a Spiritual Crisis…which is why I asked about your beliefs. Humour me perhaps…and look up the symptoms of a spiritual crisis…they are very similiar to the symptoms of depression…but a little different.
So if none of these fits? I’m gonna have to go with the alien abduction theory…hahaha
Peace
Amakua
Thank you so much Amakua. And don’t worry about that, I’m not sure how common the acronym actually is.
That is all really good food for thought and I will definitely keep it all in mind. I don’t think death set me off, I sort of knew about death when I was younger because my grandparents passed when I was a little boy. It wasn’t totally tangible at the time, but it was certainly impactful because, in a sense, I didn’t grow up with grandparents.
Perhaps I’m in a spiritual crisis. I think about that a lot, for sure. I listen to a lot of Marvin Gaye, and that music is laced with his own spiritual crises. But I will look into it as well. Thank you so much.
Peace,
Sameer
Hey Sameer,
If you are questioning your own existence…then that would be a Spiritual Crisis. Google the symptoms of Spiritual Crisis…as well Google the symptoms of Spiritual Awakening. Might get an idea of where you are in the cycle. Or don’t…hahaha
Marvin Gaye eh? Ever listen to Curtis Mayfield’s New World Order? Assuming you wouldn’t mind a little funk with your soul…hahaha It was his final album…he recorded it lying on a table after he was paralyzed in an accident during a concert. My favourite song from that particular album is “The Got Dang Song”.
I’ll be around if you want to yak
Peace
Amakua